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I stride back to the car so fast that Aroha has to run to keep up with me. I own a Jeep as well as the Porsche, and when we arrive at it, I clip Leia’s seat securely in the back, then get in the driver’s seat, and Aroha slides into the passenger seat.
I sit there for a moment, holding the steering wheel, my knuckles white. Then I start the car, and I head for home.
We don’t say a word on the way. I’m too angry to talk, and she seems to understand that. Instead, she takes out her phone and examines it while I negotiate the traffic.
When we finally arrive back home, I park the car by the garage, get out, unbuckle Leia’s seat, and I carry her through to the house. She wakes at this point, and, without asking, I start preparing her a bottle, while Aroha unclips her harness, lifts her out, and gives her a cuddle.
When the bottle’s warmed, she takes it from me and carries the baby out onto the deck to feed her.
I make us both a coffee, then I take the mugs out onto the deck, place one in front of Aroha, take a seat in the chair opposite, and flop back.
I stare out at the garden. The sky has clouded over, and it’s raining lightly. Sue will be pleased—the lawn and flowers need it.
I take a deep breath and huff it out.
“You all right?” Aroha asks.
“Yeah.”
“I know you’re upset but try to calm down.” She arches her eyebrow. “Don’t glare at me. You don’t want another migraine, that’s all.”
I grit my teeth, knowing she’s right, but I’m furious. I want to smash my fist into the wall or yell until I’m hoarse. But I learned long ago that giving into anger makes a man weak. Instead, I lean forward, elbows on my knees, and press my thumbs into my eyes.
“Talk to me,” she says.
My chest heaves. “I feel as if I’ve let Maddie down.”
“Why?”
“She contacted him, and she was going to meet him. She must have decided to involve him in Leia’s life.” I clench my hands into fists. “I don’t understand. The guy’s a fucking arsehole. Why would she want anything to do with that wanker?”
“Maybe it was guilt. He is Leia’s father, after all. Perhaps she thought Leia deserved to know him as she grew up.”
I lower my hands and look at her. “Is that what you think?”
She studies Leia, who’s staring up at her adoringly as she sucks from the bottle. “I understand why she might have thought that. And I can see why she was attracted to him. He’s a charmer. One of those guys who thinks he can talk his way into any woman’s underwear.”
Jealousy flares inside me. “You were attracted to him?”
She wrinkles her nose. “I’d never go out with a ginger.” She hardens the ‘g’ and rhymes it with ‘singer’. That makes me give a short laugh.
But despair isn’t far away, and as it sweeps over me, I bend my head and sink my hands into my hair.
“What’s bothering you?” she asks gently.
“I feel as if I’ve fucked it all up,” I mumble. “I should do what she would have wanted. But I can’t be sure what that was. I can’t trust what Blue said about their conversation. What if she just contacted him to demand he contribute financially? I mean she didn’t need the money, but maybe she thought he should still do it for Leia? What if she didn’t want him involved in any other way? How do I know?”
Aroha’s silent for a moment. Then eventually she says, “Do you want my opinion?”
I lift my head and rest my lips on my clasped hands. I can’t trust myself to speak, so I just look at her.
She adjusts Leia’s dress. “Maddie’s gone.” She looks at me, her eyes gentle as she sees my emotion. “You can’t second guess what she did or didn’t want. She made you Leia’s guardian. That means she trusted you to make the right decisions for her daughter. You’re Leia’s whole world now. She’s relying on you to make the choices that will affect the rest of her life. It’s a huge responsibility, and I’m not surprised you feel overwhelmed. All parents feel like that, and that’s what you are, for all intents and purposes. For the moment, anyway. You have to decide what’s best for Leia, and what’s best for you. Forget everyone else. Don’t think about what anyone else wants or is advising you to do.”
I swallow hard. “I don’t know if I can bring up someone else’s child.” I’m embarrassed and ashamed to say it. I wouldn’t have said it to anyone else, but oddly, I feel as if I can be honest with her. I’m not trying to impress her, and I don’t have a reputation to uphold. And somehow, I know she’ll give me her honest opinion back.
She seems unfazed by my emotion. “Okay, let’s break it down. Let’s talk about you first. As I see it, you have two main options. Basically, you keep Leia, or you don’t.”
I nod. That much is obvious.
