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“I told you. I need some time.”
His low laugh is surprised and annoyed. “Time for what?”
“To think. About all this. I think we should…have some space from each other sometimes. Like now. Like…maybe you should go and then I can figure out how to handle all this.”
Another deep, incredulous chuckle. “Baby girl, you just rode me like a fucking rodeo hero. I’m not leaving.”
“Considering everything that happened today…I think it’s best. I think you should.”
“Not happening, Texas.”
Some long-injured corner of me wants to lash out at him. He’s trying to drag this whole thing out, to get me to fall so completely in love with him that when he walks away, my heart will break into a million tiny pieces. “What I was trying to tell you before is that I don’t want us to keep seeing each other like this. Like, all the time.”
Despite the insane chemistry between us and the fact that we’re both still recovering from mind-blowing simultaneous orgasms, in this moment, I mean it. He can see this in my eyes and for a split second I can see that it hurts him very deeply. “Tex, I’m not fucking leaving?—”
“I know you will eventually and I want you to do it now. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have let things get out of hand again tonight. I just...I lose control around you and that’s the problem. I need my control.” I hate that I’m doing this, to shield myself. I want to be the one to tell him to leave and not the other way around. I want it to be my decision before it becomes his. “I want you to go now,” I say again.
“No. I’m not leaving.” His words are measured and outraged.
I know that none of this makes sense. I know I can’t see straight when I’m around him and I feel like I’m losing myself. Lines are blurred. My addled brain wants to compartmentalize. Us. The me and the him have become one thing.
So I grab a towel and dry myself. Then I find some leggings and a baggy sweatshirt from the suitcase that I still haven’t even started to unpack yet and pull them on. I don’t really want to lug this whole thing around New York tonight so I start shoving a few things into a backpack.
“What are you doing?”
“I’ll leave, then.”
He comes over and takes the backpack from my hands. “Stop this. You’re acting crazy.”
“Because I am crazy! That’s what I mean! You make me crazy and I don’t know how to slow this down.”
“Then don’t.”
“I’m sorry, Ace.” I’m heart-broken for more than one reason. “But you don’t understand anything.”
“I understand everything. I get that it’s been a long day. I get that a lot has happened very quickly. Let me take you to bed and I’ll hold you and calm you down and we can talk about whatever it is you need to talk about?—”
“No.” This is what he does. He makes me believe him and need him. He acts like his comfort is steady and unending, like he won’t ever pull it away.
I’ve never seen any kind of comfort that doesn’t end. It doesn’t just end but it ends badly. With the kind of pain I might not be able to handle.
If I let him convince me, if I let him wrap his warmth around me until I get so used to it I can’t bear to be without it, then what? Then he’ll take it away and I’ll shatter.
The only defense I have is to create some distance now, before it’s too late.
My voice sounds steadier than I feel. “Either you leave or I will.” I don’t mean what I’m saying as I’m saying it, but my scars are burning me. “I don’t want to keep seeing you. I can’t. I can’t have both you and the job and I want the job.”
“This is about the job?” It’s not helping that he looks so hurt. It just looks wrong on him, like his usual swagger has taken a hit.
“Yes.” It’s partly about the job. At least I think it is.
“Fucking hell, Tex. All right, then. If it’s between me and the job, then you’re fucking fired. Effective immediately.”
33
“What a complete and total asshole!” I can always count on my bestie to feel my despair as though it’s her own. “I mean, it’s not totally unexpected though, is it? He has a reputation, after all. Grumpy and power-driven and all that. He’s not exactly known for being nice.”
“No. I guess not.” Except in those quieter moments, when he’d smooth my hair and kiss me softly.
