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Three times in the air in slow motion before coming down with the kind of sound no one could ever forget.
My beautiful husband with the heart of gold had no way of knowing my heart had been slowly ripped from my body, the Grim Reaper’s claws finding their way into my chest, twisting until the organ was freed. Even after all this time, I could still hear the squeal of brakes and the brutal thud as the speeding car smashed into him. And the screams that I had no idea if they were my own or someone else’s.
And I never forget his lifeless body lying in the middle of the street, the man managing to clutch the small hot pink bag in his hand. At least he’d died on impact, or so I’d been told.
I brought my hand to the pin he’d purchased, the sterling silver heart with the single ruby, the last gift he’d bought me.
I didn’t understand at first until I’d found a letter he’d left me under my pillow that morning. He’d walked into traffic on purpose for the insurance money I’d be able to claim to help pay off the medical bills.
It was called survivor’s guilt, only no one else had learned that he’d committed suicide or I’d be forced to pay back the money from the policy.
I blinked back tears, unable to reconcile myself with what had happened even now. He’d been so selfless, refusing to allow me to suffer for any longer than necessary. The depression was real and it was killing me.
“Come here, Xena baby, and say hello to your daddy dog. Do you remember, sweet girl?”
Woof. Woof.
I wasn’t certain how I’d kept Xena by my side that day of the accident. Everything was still an ugly blur, but my beautiful furball had remained with me, the only creature I’d accepted comfort from as Finn lay dead in the street. And the fucking driver had never stopped, never been caught.
My beautiful Australian Shepherd bounded toward me, somehow managing to find a stick to bring to her mommy dog. When she leapt into my lap, I was able to laugh. “You’re a mess, baby girl. See. There’s Daddy.”
My pup always knew when I was talking about Finn. She’d stop whatever she was doing, tipping her furry head toward me, her one golden brown eye and one bright blue eye staring at me as I spoke. There was no doubt my very smart girl could understand every word I was saying. She’d remain by my side while I spoke about him, or when I couldn’t stop crying. Her comfort during the long nights allowed me to rest.
“He’s right here, baby girl. He can hear you. What do you want to say to him?”
She slowly turned her head, staring at the gravestone before pawing his name.
Woof. Woof.
“Good girl. He loves you too.” She was only a little tiny puppy when Finn left this world, but he’d adored her so, insisting on her name of Xena, Princess Warrior of Serenity. That’s what he’d called our little house in the woods, the one I hadn’t stayed but two nights in since his death. Of course, there were extenuating circumstances as to why, but being in the house we’d created from love was far too painful.
That’s why it made taking care of my father during his recovery a no-brainer. Erin was busy working as an emergency room nurse, while I was trying to help my father keep his business alive.
“Do you remember Big Mac?” I asked Finn’s spirit as I rubbed behind Xena’s ears. “Well, he finally popped the question to Fiona. I know. You said it would never happen. You should see the ring.” I sniffled again and held out my hand, staring at the diamond my husband had purchased after saving up for two solid years. He’d told me that nothing was too big or glorious for his woman.
I fisted my hand, barely able to breathe.
Xena licked my face, trying her best to dry the tears. I wiped my eyes and tried to smile. My husband had always said I was prettiest when I smiled.
“Oh, and Dad says hi. He’s doing much better now, even able to take a few walks. You know how he is, stubborn like you always said I was. But he’s improving. Enough I caught him taking a wee nip of his beloved whiskey.” My father had adored Finn, even though he’d given the fine-looking young man a hard time for the two years I’d been courted, as Pops would say.
If only I could go back to those amazing days just for twenty-four hours.
“And you should see little Aiden. He’s growing up far too fast, baby. He misses you. We all do.” I looked up at the sky, enjoying the feel of the cold rain splashing on my face. “I miss you most of all.” My words were barely audible, the ache increasing to the point I couldn’t stop sobbing. “I love you, my magnificent husband. I always will.”
How many times had I issued the exact words? How many prayers had I said? How many angry words had I spoken to God for ruining my perfect life? So many I couldn’t think straight any longer.
I allowed myself to sob as Xena woofed a few times, trying to lick away the sadness when there wasn’t a soul on this earth who could do so.
As the rain began to fall at a faster clip, I sucked in my breath, finally chilled to the bone. It was time to leave. I had work to do. I had a business to save. “I love you, sweetheart. You will be my one and only forever.” I clung to Xena for a few seconds longer, doing what I could to stop the rush of tears. When I finally climbed to my feet, I tried to make a promise to myself that I would and could go on without him. It was the same promise I’d made to myself countless times and I’d failed every single one of them.
Maybe today was the day.
Maybe I could learn to go on.
Maybe I’d finally remove my engagement and wedding rings, placing them in the beautiful black velvet box they’d been in when given to me. By a young man with a heart of gold and a verve for living.
And just maybe, I’d find the strength to go on.
