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“In my case, what happened afterwards destroyed them.”
She waited patiently, letting him decide if he wanted to continue.
“My parents were wealthy landowners on Karthika. Very wealthy. The orchards and cattle I told you about? That was just the beginning of their holdings. They owned mines, a fleet of trading ships, more. I had a happy enough childhood. They were not… affectionate, but I was well cared for.”
“By servants?”
He hesitated briefly, then nodded.
“Of a sort. My parents didn’t send me to school - I was tutored at home. On everything from fighting to dancing to etiquette. I can speak all three languages native to Karthika without a translator. I can even tell you the correct wine to serve at a harvest dinner when the moon is full.”
He sighed, looking out the window of the wagon into the darkness beyond.
“There were so many lessons that I didn’t realize at the time that they were actually very selective about what I was taught. My access to books and learning programs, even videos, was also strictly controlled. I was being very carefully groomed to take over their empire. They even had a mate picked out for me, one who came from an eligible family - and who also came with a dowry that would add to the family holdings.”
She didn’t like the sound of that at all. No doubt it had been some tall, elegant female, full of grace and poise. But it didn’t happen, she reminded herself, giving him an uncertain smile.
“It sounds very…”
“Privileged?” he asked, raising a brow ridge. “It was. And as I said, I was not unhappy. I just didn’t realize the cost.”
“What cost?”
“You remember I told you I used to spend my summers on one of our ranches? That was my favorite time of year. Of course I still had lessons, but I felt… freer there than anywhere else. Somewhat ironically as it turned out.”
He picked up her hand, looking at it, not her, as he played with her fingers.
“It was the summer after my eighteenth birthday. I was at the ranch as usual but I was feeling rather resentful because my time there was being cut short in order for me to return to the city for some meetings my father wanted me to attend. I started complaining about it one morning when I was out riding with Armsal. He was one of the hands, about five years older than me and I’d always looked up to him. He’d never given any indication that he thought of me as anything other than a companion, but that day he suddenly looked at me as if he hated me.”
His hand had tensed beneath hers and she turned her hand over so she could wrap her fingers around his.
“When I asked him why, he told me it was because his mate was being sold to another landowner and they were going to be separated forever. She was pregnant with his child.” His voice turned bitter. “I told you about all the land my family owned. I didn’t tell you about all the people they owned. I knew about it, of course, but I had been so carefully taught that until that moment, I truly hadn’t realized what it meant to the people they owned.”
He was clutching her hand now, his grip almost painful but she didn’t complain.
“I was horrified. I returned to the city, to my father. He sat me down and explained that it was a necessary part of our business, of our world. He prided himself on being a good master, in making sure that all of his slaves were well fed and well housed, provided with medical care and an appropriate level of education. Separations such as this were unfortunate, but couldn’t be entirely avoided. I remember sitting there looking at him behind his big desk, so calm, so rational, his conscience completely clear. I knew at that moment that if I stayed I would become exactly like him, exactly like he’d groomed me to be.”
His face was as tormented as if it had just happened, even though it must have been many years ago.
“What did you do?”
“Made a foolish, quixotic gesture. I took one of the space-going ships my family owned and returned to the farm. I picked up Armsal, his mate, and anyone else who wanted to come and left the planet. Do you know only a dozen people were willing to leave?”
“Change can be frightening. Better the devil you know.”
“Exactly. The authorities caught up with me eventually but Armsal and the others were long gone. My father had reported the ship as stolen,” he added, his face expressionless once more. “Fortunately, the patrol officer who caught up with me was sympathetic. He impounded the ship, but he let me go. He was the one who suggested I join the military. From spoiled heir to lowly recruit - it was quite a shock, but a good one. At least until the war.”
He finally looked back up at her.
“So you see, any happy memories of my childhood were corrupted by what lay beneath the surface. Any good memories of my early years in the military were ruined by that useless war.”
“The fact that you had the strength to reject that way of life and leave should be a good memory.”
“Is it? It didn’t feel like it at the time.”
“I think it is. You were very brave.”
“I was terrified.”
