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Because we found better secret keepers who understood us on a different level.
“We were running around, playing tag, and then sat down to drink water. Where we had our talk, as we called it.”
A memory from twenty-five years ago flashes in my head.
Santiago puts away his water bottle and sighs. “I need to tell you something, Florian.”
My heart beats wildly in my chest, and I ask, “Yes?”
“I can’t be your best friend anymore.” My heart plummets, and I squeeze the water bottle harder until it cracks a little. He finally saw how broken I am? How dirty and scarred under this mask I show to the world. And he hates it. “I think Remi needs me more. He has no one but me.” Santiago sighs and half turns to me while I do my best to blink away the tears because he’s right, of course.
Remi likes us but adores Santiago, and he opens up to him way more than to any of us.
Still, why does he have to turn his back on me?
“Octavius needs love too. We can help them, Florian.” He places his palm above my free one, and our gazes collide. “You’ll always be my close friend. I’ll just spend more time with Remi.”
Forcing a grin, I nod. “Yes. I understand. It’s the right thing to do.” Even if my heart is crushed and it’s hard to breathe, as losing Santiago proves irrevocably that Death changed me.
The old Florian is gone, and I’m not sure who will like this new Florian.
“I hurt you on that day. I’ll never forget the pain flicking in your eyes before you covered it up.” Santiago’s voice pulls me back to the present, and I focus on him. He exhales heavily and looks at me again. “It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Pushing you away for your own good.”
“Because you connected with Remi more.”
One of the reasons we never really got along despite our close bond. Santiago’s choice stood between us, and Remi felt my resentment that slowly transformed into his own.
He shakes his head. “No. It’s because you needed Octavius more than anyone else.” A hollow chuckle escapes him as seagulls chirp loudly, circling around us. “Your kindness, empathy, love, gentleness…it grew in his company, and you showered him with these emotions. Protected him in any way, and while you did all that…you temporarily forgot about your own pain.” I swallow hard, bitterness filling my mouth because I understand now that he knows about what happened to me.
I should have expected that. We always know everything about each other, even if we never talk about it. Still, I hate it.
I hate anyone knowing about my pain that should have always been mine to bear.
“Something bothered you, but I didn’t know what it was back then. I couldn’t help you, but around Octavius…I could see traces of the old Florian. And as much as it broke my heart, I had to let you go.” My chest grows tight as the meaning of his words registers in my brain.
He gave up our friendship…to save me?
“Octavius would have survived without you. His home life was hell, but he’d hold on because he had Estella. He’d have found the will to live for her, even if he didn’t have your support.” Several seconds pass, interrupted only by the seagulls and the waves crashing against the rocks in the distance. “Remi would have survived without me because his revenge and desire to find his mom was stronger than anything else. I would have survived, as I had no other choice. I needed to avenge myself and my family.”
I inhale the ocean air into my lungs, wishing to cover my ears and not hear whatever he has to say next, but I don’t do that.
I can’t run from the truth forever.
“You wouldn’t have survived without Octavius. He was one thing keeping you sane and grounded in this world. Protecting him soothed the darkness slowly spreading through your veins. He gave you something Remi and I would have never given you.”
“There is no need to justify your choice, Santiago. You were right. Things worked out for the best this way.”
He ignores me, and continues, “And then Jimena was born. You bonded with her because you could give her what no one else did at the time.”
Instant anger washes over me. “If you’re implying…”
“No. I’m saying when you love, you protect. You stood by my family when I was gone. Took care of them emotionally and then watched over Jimena and made her feel loved. For that, I thank you. I forgot about that.”
“You don’t have to thank me. Our families were one. You’d have done the same thing for me.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “What?”
“How easy it is for you to devalue your character. No, Florian. Not everyone would have done what you did. How many seven-year-olds do you know who’d go to their godparents’ house to feed his godmother every single day because she wouldn’t eat otherwise?”
“You, Remi, Octavius.”
