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After Armando confirmed that Giana was, in fact, a spoiled rich kid, Sephie said, “When you live a life of extreme comfort, your understanding of good and bad gets skewed. When there really isn’t any bad, the good replaces the bad. People need both. There can be no good when there is no bad. Her bad consists of slightly less good, so the really good doesn’t feel right. Her soul knows that, which is why she’s wanting for something more. But she’s looking in the wrong places for that something. It has to come from within her. She’s the only one that can decide to be happy. Nobody else will ever be able to make her happy if she can’t make herself happy. That’s what you need to try to get her to see, Mando. She’s choosing to be miserable and insecure. No one else is making her feel that way. No one is going to be able to make her stop feeling that way. It’s all on her,”
I smiled, knowing that Sephie was exactly right, and that had Giana heard what Sephie just said, she likely would’ve been crushed until she could come to terms with it. Armando asked Sephie a question in Italian, which annoyed me. I enjoyed being the one that could keep everyone else in the dark when we spoke Russian in front of others. Sephie tried to laugh, but I saw the pain flash on her face quickly as she answered him.
My mind was wandering while Armando was still talking. Sephie had said that she wanted to go to the house a few days ago and we hadn’t been able to go yet. Maybe I should bring it up again, after Armando left. I didn’t know what it was about being able to go to the lake that helped her recharge herself, but it was obvious every time it happened. I could literally watch the stress melt off her as we sat and talked by the lake.
My gut instinct was getting stronger, the more I used it. Before, I would just get a feeling when something wasn’t going to go right. I would feel nauseous or feel like there was impending doom coming to indicate that an outcome was going to be negative. But now, I was starting to get indicators on good outcomes as well. Completely different indicators, thankfully, so I could tell the difference. As I thought about going to the house for a few days, I got goosebumps down my arms and across my upper body. It had only happened once or twice before, but I knew this was my gut instinct telling me we needed to go to the house. I would wait until Armando left and then suggest it.
I found myself looking forward to a long run with Sephie, too. She used to almost kill me when we went for a run at the house, but I’d been running with her long enough now that I could almost keep up with her at the house. I still gave out well before she did, but I was getting better. It had been a while since we’d been able to run anywhere. I knew if I missed it, she was definitely missing it.
Armando talked for a while longer, telling us that he was purposely leaving Giana alone for as long as possible. He made plans to go to his house for the weekend, which made me happy to know I wouldn’t have to see her for a few days. He finally stood to leave. I couldn’t help but feel relieved. I liked Armando, but I wanted him gone right now. I was having trouble getting my anger under control.
Once he was out of the office, I looked to Adrik and said frankly, “We should go to the house.” I might’ve said it a little too frankly, as both he and Sephie looked at me, clearly surprised. Sephie, however, grinned at me almost immediately. She turned to look at Adrik, a question on her face. He looked at her for a moment, like he was lost in thought. I’d never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at her. A small smile crept over his face. He looked back to me, silently asking again for confirmation. I nodded my head. He looked down at his watch, then back to Sephie.
“We should order food before we leave, so it’s waiting on us when we get there. I’m hungry,” he said. Sephie had leaned her head back on his shoulder, so she could see his face. The smile that stretched across her face was enough to make all of us immediately feel better. Suddenly my anger was dissipating and I was now excited to go for a long run with her tomorrow.
“Gazelle, do you want to go for a run in the morning?” I asked. I had switched from struggling to contain my anger to now struggling to contain my excitement.
“Don’t ask stupid questions, my adorable Russian guardian,” she said as she looked at me seriously. For a moment, I thought she didn’t want to and that I had offended her. She saw the look of surprise on my face and died laughing. “Misha, I’m sorry. You’re too easy sometimes. Of course, I want to go for a run and, of course, I love you for suggesting we go to the house. You’re my favorite. Don’t tell the others.” She winked at me, her wide smile still making the room brighter. The guys were all laughing at me and I couldn’t help but laugh with them. I think we all needed a break.
“Can we take the long route today?” I asked Sephie as we were stretching for our run the following morning.
She looked at me, a serious look on her face. “Misha, is something wrong? You’re volunteering to torture yourself now? Is there something I need to know?”
I chuckled, then shrugged my shoulders. “It’s been a while since we’ve been able to go for a run. I didn’t realize how much I’ve grown to enjoy it.”
She slid her arm around my waist. I was so much taller than she was that her head fit right in my armpit. I would usually try to get her to sniff my armpit whenever I could to annoy her, but this time I surprised her by wrapping my arms around her and picking her up. It always made her laugh and I really needed to hear her laugh right now.
When I set her down, she was still laughing. “We can go for as long of a run as you like, my adorable Russian guardian. But we should maybe tell someone that you’re going to need two lunches instead of one.”
“Maybe three,” I said, contemplating how far it was around the entire lake.
We didn’t usually talk when we ran until the end when we were walking back to the house to catch our breath. It was actually one of the things I liked about running with Sephie. By myself, I would always listen to music because I didn’t like the quiet. But with her, it was completely different. We were quiet, but it wasn’t the same quiet. It wasn’t a lonely quiet. I found myself thinking through lots of things when I would run with her where I couldn’t when I ran by myself. It didn’t make sense, really, but I felt like she was a calming force anytime she was around.
I managed to keep up with her the entire time, which was a huge confidence boost for me. I had struggled to make it the entire way the last time we took the long route, but this time felt easier. Maybe it was because I was missing it more.
As we neared our stopping point for the walk back to the house, Sephie looked at me, grinning. Her smile was infectious.
“Misha, I’m so happy that you suggested we come to the house. And I’m even happier you wanted to take the long route this morning. I didn’t realize how much I needed this,” she said as she turned toward me with her arms open for a hug. Seeing the smile on her face made me so happy. I bent down and picked her up into a bear hug, making her laugh again.
“It makes me happy to see you happy, gazelle. This week has been rough for you. I’m really glad I could give you at least a little bright spot,” I said, spinning her around. I loved hearing her laugh.
As I set her down, she said, “It’s been a rough week for everyone, not just me. I clearly saw the pain on your face after I fell asleep in the office and started talking in my sleep. Misha, I never meant to put that on you, or any of the other guys.” Her smile faded and she looked at me seriously as we walked back to the house.
I was trying to find the right words to say to her. I knew she didn’t like to open up. I understood. Her story was not a happy one. “Sephie…” I started to speak, but she cut her eyes over to me.
“Uh oh, it’s serious. You used my name instead of calling me gazelle,” she said smiling.
I cleared my throat, looking at her as seriously as I could manage, which arguably wasn’t that serious. “Sephie,” I said, trying not to smile. I put my hand on her shoulder to stop her. I wanted to get this out before we got back to the house. I wanted to capitalize on my alone time with her. She looked at me, surprised, but she stopped and turned to face me. I continued, “Sephie, I look up to you. Maybe more than I’ve ever looked up to anyone in my life. You might be younger than me, but you’re leaps and bounds more mature than I am. Even before I knew anything about your past, I thought you were amazing. You’re smart, you keep us all laughing, you catch on to things so quickly, and you bring the brightest light into my life. Now that I know what you’ve been through and that you’re still, well, you, it makes me want to work harder to be worthy of your friendship. To be even half the person you are. I look at you and Boss and I’ve never seen anything like what you two have, but I know I want my own version of it. You do so much for all of us. I just want to be able to give back and be able to be the same for you that you are for me.”
I could see the tears welling up in her eyes as I talked. I felt my own tears threatening to fall, but I needed to say this. I needed her to know how much she meant to not just me, but to all of us. Guaranteed, every single one of the guys had thought about having this conversation with her, if they hadn’t had it already. Now that I’d started to tell her what I’d been thinking about, I wasn’t sure I could stop it. “It’s hard for us to hear about what happened to you in your past, not because we can’t handle it, per se. Although I must admit that I’ve wondered if I could’ve survived everything you have and still been able to see the humor in the world. I can’t imagine what it was like to go through everything you’ve been through, but it hurts knowing you had to endure it. Simply because you mean so much to me, to all of us, and we want nothing but the best for you, always. Hearing that you’ve had to go through what you have is frustrating, like Andrei said, but only because we know there’s nothing we can do to take that pain away from you. What I can do, however, is always be here when you need someone to talk to. Or not talk to. Or to take the long route with. Whatever you need, Sephie. Whenever you need it. I’ll be here. So will the other guys. I love you and want to always see you happy, if only because of the joy you bring to my life when you are happy. I know the other guys feel the same way, if they haven’t already told you.”
She had a few tears falling down her face as she listened to me. For once, she looked like she didn’t know what to say. She just smiled and wrapped her arms around me, resting her head on my chest. She took a deep breath, but didn’t let go, so I kept my arms around her. “Misha, you only ever have to worry about being you. Each of you has a special role to play in my life, just as I have a special role to play in yours. You bring your own uniqueness to my life and I couldn’t imagine my life without that now. It seems silly to say. I haven’t even known you for a year yet, but I can’t imagine my life without you and the other guys in it. You guys always say I’ve brought so much to your lives, but I can say the same for you. You’ve all brought so much to my life. I can’t even begin to tell you what it means to me to always feel safe with all of you. That right there is worth more than anything to me. But you’re so much more than that. You love the fuckery as much as I do and quite frankly that’s my favorite thing about you. Your intuition is quickly becoming unparalleled too. I saw your faraway look right before you ordered Adrik to come to the house,” she said as she looked up at me, grinning. “It’s starting to work on positive outcomes too, isn’t it?”
I just shook my head. “Of course you would notice.” I grinned down at her. She kept one arm around my waist and I kept one arm around her shoulders as we started walking toward the house again. “It hasn’t happened as much, but I get different feelings when it’s a positive outcome. It’s helpful, really. It makes it clear, so I can tell the difference.”
“So, negative outcomes are still like a feeling of dread or nausea?” she asked. I nodded my head. “What are positive outcomes then?”
“So far, it’s been goosebumps over my arms and upper body,” I said.
