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Tommy stood up and walked over to my side of the couch, closing the distance between us that had felt like miles moments before. He wrapped me in his arms, and I tried to bury the guilt back down as I huddled closer to him. The air was draping heavier around us as I waited for my tears to dry. Tommy’s arms were like armor around me, giving me some of the strength I needed.
“The driver got life in prison. They were drunk.” Pain flashed through Tommy’s eyes, and I knew he was remembering when he told his story. He must have realized that it could have hit close to home for me because he began to open his mouth like he wanted to apologize.
“It’s okay, Tommy.” I pulled back so he could see my face to know that I meant it. Tommy’s eyes danced between mine as he tried to decide what to do next. He must have come to the conclusion that he believed me and was going to allow me to continue as he stayed quiet. The next truth was the one that weighed the heaviest on my heart.
“I spoke at the visitation, but I couldn’t bear to stay for the funeral and watch him be buried. I’ve never visited his gravestone.”
Once the words passed my lips, it felt like a lock had been released off my heart. I had never told anyone that before. It felt wrong of me to still be here when he was buried six feet under dirt, his body being offered up to the worms like a sacrifice for my wrongdoing. I couldn’t bear to see his gravestone; it would feel like a final confirmation of what had happened.
“I always wonder if I hadn’t been looking at him, maybe I would have seen it coming.”
Tommy held on to me. He didn’t tell me it wasn’t my fault like so many others had. That line always fell on closed ears. He hadn’t been there that night and wasn’t going to tell me something that could be false just to make me feel better about myself.
“He sounds like he was a great guy,” Tommy whispered once my tears had dried.
“He was.” That angry beast inside me reached its claws around my throat again, dragging my attention back to that article. “I never wanted this part of my life to be public. It was already so hard living through it the first time, and now the entire world gets to force me to live through it again.”
“We’ll face it together.” My head snapped up, my eyes racing to meet his. It was like everything he was doing was exactly what I needed, and it was so unexpected. I’d rather he do exactly what I didn’t need, like everyone else. It would make it so much easier to remind myself of the contract binding us together.
“You don’t have to help me with my problems.”
“But I want to.” One of Tommy’s hands came up to brush a piece of hair that had fallen in front of my eyes behind my ear. “Plus, you’re not the only one who has a fucked-up past. You’re in this mess because of me.”
“I’m not sure it’s the same thing,” I whispered, my eyes dropping away from him.
“It may not be, but both are clearly heavy on each of us.” Tommy glanced over the photos on his bookshelves, like he was rethinking every moment of his life. It was my turn to stay quiet as I watched him sort through where he wanted to start. When I imagined finally telling Tommy the truth about Luke, I had no idea it would turn into this.
“I stopped drinking after that night I told you about, but that wasn’t the end of my rough patch. I was dating someone at the time that I thought was the love of my life.”
I remembered the beautiful model, Sutton James, I had seen on his social media page. Tommy had looked at her like Luke had looked at me, like she was what his world spun around. I thought about how he had left all of those pictures of the two of them up on his page and she had erased him like he had never existed. It was hard to erase someone from your life that you cared that deeply about.
“When I started getting in trouble with San Diego and my contract was on the line, Sutton started to pull away. Later, I realized she was seeing someone else already as a safety net in case I was dumped from the team and couldn’t provide her with the same lifestyle.” I reached out to squeeze Tommy’s arm.
Who would do something like that? Date someone for their money? My stomach dropped as the check May had given me flashed through my mind. Every night I walked through the door of my apartment, I saw that check lying on my kitchen counter. I had yet to do anything with it, the guilt of cashing it too strong. But that didn’t stop me from thinking about all the ways that money would change my life for the better. But at what expense? Tommy’s trust? Was I no better than Sutton?
A pained look crossed Tommy’s face as he remembered one of the lowest moments in his life when all of his decisions had left him with almost nothing. I bottled my own guilt up and pushed it down to evaluate at another time. But a voice in the back of my mind still sang out, You are no better than she is.
“The part that still tears me up inside is that I used to think I would forgive all of that if she decided she’d choose me.” Tommy dropped his head. “I was so used to her being with me that I was scared to let her go and lose a home we’d built together. Even after I realized that the home we’d built had been made of lies.”
The two of us sat in silence again, letting our flaws and baggage sit out on the ground around us, too messy to ever be put away again. Tommy may have been right that our baggage was drastically different, but that still didn’t change how heavily it weighed on us individually. We weren’t here to compare whose life was the worst. We were two people who desperately needed to unload some of the weight for the first time in a long time and finally found someone who was trustworthy enough.
“So is that why you don’t have a car?”
A laugh pushed through my body at Tommy’s question. It was so innocent and broke the angry cloud that had been hanging over us. I snuggled back into him, feeling less like I was trying to hide from something and more like I wanted to appreciate the man whose arms were around me.
“It was obviously totaled, and I didn’t have the money to replace it at the time, but I also didn’t want to drive again after that.”
“What about now?” he asked me. His chest vibrated against mine and sent shivers through my body all the way to my toes.
“I’ve thought about it,” I admitted. It would definitely help my problem with being chronically late. I could leave the days of riding the bus behind me forever.
“Would you let me help you?”
I looked over at him like he had told me he wanted to marry me, completely confused and utterly surprised. Tommy’s face was genuine as he waited for my answer.
“Like buy me a car?”
“No, just help you get comfortable with driving again,” Tommy clarified.
