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Was I that easy to read? I opened my mouth to say something and then closed it. Opened it to try again before closing it once more.
“Can you do what I’m asking?” I decided to avoid acknowledging what Monica had said and instead confirm what I wanted to be done.
“Are you sure?” she asked me.
“Yes.”
“Oh, and one other thing,” I told her.
Monica waited patiently.
“Never speculate on our future together with the press again. That was never a part of the contract. Stick to the terms of the deal or I will walk away from this, and if it’s not clear already, I’m done with all of this once the terms of our agreement come to a close.”
Monica frowned, but she gave me a short nod of acknowledgment.
I had never been more sure about a decision. I had spent the entire night staring at that check, thinking about how it could change my life. I could afford a nice high-rise apartment for many years with that money. I could buy myself a new car. I could get a new camera, expand my portfolio, and take classes. The possibilities were endless. But none of those things seemed worth it if it would put at risk any potential for a relationship that Tommy and I had. I wasn’t sure where he and I stood, but I couldn’t live with myself if I cashed that check. Even if Tommy turned me down and told me that maybe we weren’t the best decision—I knew my heart would be broken, but I would at least be able to look at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t monetize the time we shared together. It would only taint the happiness I had while we were together. My time with Tommy was more than a bunch of zeros on a check.
I stood up quickly, wanting to leave her office as fast as I could. There was still one more thing I needed to do before I could talk with Tommy, and it was probably the most important thing on my list.
Maggie
Ifound myself standing in front of Luke’s gravestone. It was the first time I had mustered up the courage to visit, which was mostly due to Tommy’s encouragement and Olivia’s pep talk from the day before.
It was four years since the accident took him from me, and the first year when it didn’t feel like my heart was dying inside my chest from guilt and loneliness. The past three months had given myself back and more. I wasn’t a shell of myself living out in the world and hiding behind my camera. This Maggie was the version I knew Luke would be proud of.
I sat down with my back against the gravestone and let out a breath that had been pent up inside me for the past four years.
“Hi,” I started. “It’s been a while, I know. But I’m not going to apologize for that because I know you’ve been around these past few years. I see you everywhere. I feel you when the crowds at the games get excited. I see you every time I fold my pizza because you were the first person to teach it to me. I hear you when I queue up our favorite album when you used to sing every word to me off-key. You’re never far, I know that.
“But I know it’s about time that I make the effort to meet you where you are. So here I am.” I patted the ground beneath me, feeling my chest start to constrict. “I promised myself I would get through this with no tears, but let’s be honest, that was a bad promise.
“After you left, I was different. I wasn’t me. I was so angry at the world because what happened to you wasn’t fair. And I know how angry you would have been with me if you watched the person I became. I’m sorry for that. I hope you’re proud of the person I grew into. I feel like I’ve been a phoenix rising out of the ashes.”
I swiped at a couple of tears that fell down my cheeks.
“I met someone . . . and I guess that’s the reason that brought me here today. Not to tell you that we’re happy or anything like that. We’re not even together. I guess it wasn’t really meant to be. But I really think you would have liked him. He’s a big reason why I came today. He made me realize that what happened wasn’t my fault. I felt guilty, and that guilt kept me from you these past few years. I’m sorry for what happened that night because it wasn’t fair. But I thank you for putting me on the path I am on now.”
With each word that left my mouth, it was like a weight was lifted off my chest. I had finally realized that I would never let Luke go. He would always be a part of me, but I had to learn what life looked like after him and I never would have done that if it weren’t for Tommy’s encouragement. He was the only one who understood that Luke couldn’t be this taboo thing that happened to me. The narrative had to change, and the only way to do that was if I finally faced the fear I had of dating and being truly happy with someone else after Luke. I had made up this irrational fear in my head that if I found another guy attractive or he made me laugh, I was disgracing the legacy Luke had left. But that would never be the case. Luke had taught me how to love and love hard. It was time I showed that to someone else.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I pulled it out to see a text from Olivia.
Olivia: You’re late!!!
I sat up like a bolt of lightning had struck my body.
Olivia: You have that event to shoot at the field. Don’t you remember?
I obviously didn’t remember the event because if I had, I wouldn’t be sitting in a cemetery instead. My legs were Jell-O as I pushed myself to my feet and took off toward the bus. I couldn’t afford to lose my job over being scared. I had just told Luke how much I had grown; it was time to suck it up and prove it.
The bus ride was agony as I watched the minutes tick by, making me even more late for whatever I had forgotten about. Whatever event I had so conveniently forgotten, I was in deep shit if May was here for it. I grabbed my camera bags from the seat before sprinting into the stadium, not even bothering to say hello to the usual people. My footsteps echoed as I ran down the tunnel, cursing myself every step of the way for having neglected any form of exercise for the past few years. The tunnel opened up onto an empty field, making me stop in my tracks.
Do I have the right place?
I pulled my phone out to check the texts that Olivia had sent me, telling me where to be. She did, in fact, say the field.
I glanced around, trying to spot either May or Olivia anywhere in the stadium. But nobody was there. I started to walk toward the infield, thinking that maybe they were waiting for me in the dugout and I couldn’t see them. Suddenly, the Jumbotron turned on and a series of press pictures of me and Tommy started to flash across the screen. They were then followed by the selfies we had taken in Tommy’s home, on the pier with Olivia in California, at the ice cream place right after I managed to get us there unharmed after my first time driving. It was like my eyes couldn’t tear themselves away as I relived some of the best months of my life. But then the slideshow ended and I was left alone on the field again.
Or so I thought.
