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He pulled his lower lip between his teeth and shrugged. “I figured I might make an effort. Three courses, huh?”
“Four if you want some cheese first,” I said and pulled a napkin off a tray of sliced hard cheese. “Why the effort?” I asked with honest curiosity.
Something danced in Asher’s eyes. “I could ask you the same.” He looked at the dining table.
Because I want you to think I’m nice, I thought. Whatever I’d done to inspire this look, I felt two conflicting things about it. For one, I was deeply grateful. I could feast my eyes on his smooth, bare chest all night long. I could devour him with my eyes. I could memorize every line and crease of his shirt and every curve of his body. But on the opposite end, I was terrified. Why did he have to be so provocative? He didn’t even know what he was doing to me, yet he was leaving me stunned every time he blinked.
“Take a seat,” I said softly. I didn’t want to sound too commanding with him. He had some mild issues with authority that I was becoming aware of. It was yet another reason I was never meant to do anything more with him than what we had already been doing. I was a pretty authoritative person in any situation, but even more so behind closed doors and with the lights off.
As was becoming a custom, I popped the cork out of a wine bottle and poured us each a glass. Suddenly, I felt awkward wearing my course jean shorts and a low hanging sleeveless T-shirt. “Gimme a sec, alright?”
Asher nodded and became interested in the label on the wine bottle.
I hurried upstairs and rummaged through my wardrobe. The house was cool unlike the outside, the AC humming perpetually all day long, so I found a pair of dark green chinos and a light cream shirt. I strapped on my wristwatch to show off, tucked my shirt in, did all the buttons up except the top one, then undid one more. The shirt was tight, and so were the pants, but I decided to put up with it for the sake of good looks. Why? I didn’t want to consider it. Maybe I just didn’t like being outmatched. Maybe I wanted us to be on even ground. And maybe I was pushing my luck and testing the limits of how far I could take this thing before it looked like flirting.
I returned downstairs slowly. The closer I got, the more unsure I was about this. What did all this effort say about me? What did it mean to panic-change into my best-fitting clothes when I saw how unmistakably hot he was?
But I didn’t have long to consider it. I descended the stairs and turned left into the dining room to Asher’s surprised look.
“What do you think?” I asked and feigned casual confidence by outstretching my arms and giving him a spin.
He took a moment before replying. “That’s a nice fit.” His hand walked the table to his wine glass. He lifted it without taking his eyes off of me and pressed the edge against his lips. He took a long sip before speaking again. “You look great.” There was something awkward about the way he said those words, so I hurried to sit down.
“I hope dinner’s not cold,” I said and cleared my throat. I couldn’t resist shooting him another glance over the candles and letting my eyes take in the sight. His fine chest, his pronounced Adam’s apple, his defined jaw, his high cheekbones. How could anyone look like that and be single at the age of twenty?
“This is good shit,” Asher said eloquently about the wine.
“Good. We’re going to deplete the cellar,” I said.
He chuckled. “Honestly, I can’t believe you’re not throwing a hissy fit that I’m drinking.”
I held my breath for a moment or two. “Frankly, I’m surprised, too.” That made him laugh, although I hadn’t completely joked about it. “Here’s the thing. There’s no avoiding booze. They don’t exactly have tight policies at the Thinker and we’ve all been freshmen at some point.”
Asher pretended he was shocked while chewing a bit of cheese. “Are you telling me the great Jordan Mitchell broke laws in his heyday?”
I snorted. “My heyday is still ahead of me, kid.”
“Call me that again, and I’ll kick your ass, dear brother,” he said. And even though I knew he was joking, I tensed and felt a wave of panic wash over me. Brother. I drank to hide the shock on my face. We were not brothers. We were not even stepbrothers the way others were. I had made sure of that. On paper, yes, but not even an iota more than that had happened to form any such bond. The years of distance and the efforts to suppress my longing to bond with him in any way seemed so pointless when he spoke those words.
“Let’s eat,” I said dryly and served the starter. Though delicious, the food did nothing to fix my mood or my pounding heart. We ate quietly and Asher made small talk a couple of times. I engaged a bit, but I couldn’t focus.
He was not my relative. And despite Dad and Eileen’s efforts, Asher was not my stepbrother. When I had looked him in the eyes one night and told him he was nothing to me, it was a lie. But it was better than the truth. You are my everything. You are all I want and can’t have. You’re the dreams I dream and the song I hear in total silence. You’re my happy place, but I can’t let you find that out.
Asher went quiet after a time. He praised my cooking, as he had every night before, and drank more than with any dinner so far. Then again, I was drinking, too. I opened the second bottle while we snacked on the berries but left my bowl half-finished and suggested we go to the smaller terrace behind the house.
He followed silently through the kitchen and out the back door. We set the freshly opened bottle on the wooden table and crashed into the matching wooden terrace chairs with soft cushions. The air was still warm and humid, but occasional gusts of wind rustled the leaves in the massive forest that surrounded us.
The music Asher played us from his phone blasted loudly as we drank.
“I was joking,” he said in a tight voice. “About kicking your ass.”
I snorted and looked at him. “For real? I was shaking.”
He pouted and my heart tripped. How could he be so cute when he thrust his lips out like that? What arcane hex was this? “You got all weird,” he pointed out. “Besides, I could stand my ground against you.”
I threw my head back and laughed. “Don’t tempt me, Asher, or I’ll wrestle you this instant.”
“In these fine clothes?” he gawked.
