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“He was the highest-paid winger in the world on the day an injury took his career away,” Asher protested. “It’s not fair. He should have had the chance to leave on his own terms.”
“You only prove my point, darling. One game was enough to keep him wealthy for another year. People struggle with far bigger problems than their legacy.” Eileen shrugged like she couldn’t see why we didn’t agree.
Dad mediated. “I suppose it’s highly subjective. Someone who values their image and doesn’t have to swim just to stay afloat would probably have a harder time accepting the new way of things. Partridge, for example, probably feels strongly about his career because it was all he had known for the last twenty years.”
Eileen gave a tired sigh. “I suppose.” She finished her espresso and I was reminded once again how much I wanted my morning dose of caffeine. As Eileen got up to leave, I followed and made myself the regular filter coffee instead of her fancy one. The silence was thick between us, but Eileen wasn’t leaving.
I had been too old to be properly adopted by her or to accept her as a stepmother. We’d never had friction between us, but I had already gone through the years of needing a mother before her arrival. The relationship was polite, respectful, and comfortable most of the time. But it wasn’t particularly warm and loving. “Jordan,” Eileen said carefully, and I knew this wouldn’t be one of those comfortable conversations. We had had some small disagreements in the past, almost exclusively about Asher. “Did something happen while you and Asher were alone up here?”
A feeling I didn’t have a name for made my neck warm, heat rising to my head. It wasn’t shame, exactly, and it wasn’t anger. She knew nothing. “Like what?” I frowned, thinking about the ways I would have replied if I hadn’t kissed the soul of her son’s mouth or rubbed his thick length with mine until he moaned like a slut. I gritted my teeth and reined in the thoughts that I had kept on a short leash all these years.
“A fight?” Eileen suggested with a note of a question in her voice.
“Nothing unusual,” I said. “Actually…we haven’t been fighting at all lately.”
That seemed to disappoint her. Or worry her, at least. She wrapped her arms around her slender body and hesitated. Then, slowly, she lifted her chin. “I wouldn’t ask this if I wasn’t worried, Jordan. And I never meant for it to be your job to keep an eye on him, but you boys are as close to brothers as you can be. I would hope you have his best interests at heart.” I had no way of knowing where she was heading with this, so I remained silent and refused to jump to conclusions. Again, she paused, looking for words. “All children should have a right to privacy, I know that, but a mother can’t help but worry. He’s quiet. He’s closed off. It’s not like him.” I couldn’t think of anything more like Asher than the quiet sulking he’d been giving me for years, but I let Eileen continue. “And if anyone would know, it’s you, so I don’t have a choice. And I hope you will do the right thing and tell me for everyone’s sake. Is Asher having problems? Has he made enemies? We know almost nothing beyond his SATs.”
I watched a mother worrying about her son. She didn’t have a clue what troubled him and I knew everything. But if I told her, what would she say to that? If I told her how we yearned to touch one another and burned with a lust that threatened to set the house aflame, would she be disgusted? Gutted? Heartbroken? Yes, she would. Dad and Eileen had always tried to bring Asher and me closer. They’d always tried to nudge us into forming a bond we both resolutely refused for fear of it becoming something much more devastating. And neither of us had known what the other had felt. “Asher’s doing fine,” I said in a calm, rational tone. “Better than fine. He’s staying healthy, exercising, and the team loves him.” He was also handsome and well-dressed, he was sexy, and he knew it, and he was as horny as a young man should be. I saw nothing wrong with him, but I decided to keep those facts to myself.
“Could he be in some trouble that you don’t know about? Could he be in debt? Or in love?” The last question stabbed me in the chest, but I just shrugged.
“I doubt it,” I said. “Honestly, he doesn’t go out that much. The team hangs out after games and the house is equipped for entertainment. We’re mostly there.” Those things weren’t exactly true. I wouldn’t know where Asher was every night. When I saw him around the team house, we didn’t linger near one another. And when I was out, I blocked Asher from my thoughts. Allowing him in had always been a dangerous thing.
Eileen placed a hand on my upper arm and I tried not to flex my biceps with the tension her touch instilled in me. “Thank you,” she said. “You have no idea what a relief it is to know he’s got you to watch his back. Even a little.”
It wasn’t his back I had my eyes on. Shut up, I snapped at myself, swallowing the bitter taste of dishonestly, and nodded. “We gotta stick together,” I said.
“You’re a good kid, Jordan,” she said, rubbing my arm. Then, she turned and walked away.
I didn’t think she was less worried about Asher, but she was relieved to have spoken to me. Even so, I needed to deal with this. Even misdirected suspicions were a danger to us. Where there was smoke, there had to be flames. And since I couldn’t dispel Eileen’s concerns without revealing things I didn’t want her to know, I had to approach this from another direction.
The opportunity presented itself in the early afternoon. I was keeping myself occupied with games while Asher and Dad laughed about something. Dad was telling him the story of the bathroom job he’d had to do on such short notice. I kept my ears focused on their conversation and caught my opening when Asher said he would head to the lake for a swim.
He did not invite me. And I did not offer to join him.
Instead, I gave him nearly an hour to blow some steam off and be alone. When I was done with the boss fight, I shut down the gaming console, undressed to my swim shorts, and tossed a towel over my shoulder. This morning had proved one thing I had never allowed myself to be aware of: Asher was struggling to resist me. He couldn’t look at me, but there was no shame in him. Only a firm resolve I was hell-bent on breaking.
I knew my stubborn little object of desire. I knew it would take work. And I wasn’t afraid to do the job.
I stalked out of the house, leaving Eileen and Dad in an attempt to kick back and relax. Just as I was leaving, Dad brought up the cost-cutting plans, and Eileen audibly held her breath. I slipped out before they delved into details, but I had to stand with Eileen on that one. My dad didn’t know how to pick a moment. A relaxing afternoon was no time to discuss their household budgets.
I hoped to find Asher swimming or sunbathing. If he was in the lake, I would join him, and we would speak in low voices so that the calm water wouldn’t carry our voices. And if he was sunbathing, I would lie next to him, and I would reach over and let the back of my fingers brush against the side of his torso. I wanted to feel that smooth skin under my fingers again.
When I crossed through the forest and reached the closer edge of the field that separated me from the lake, I spotted him. He wore his big, dark sunglasses, which fit him nicely, and his screaming yellow swim shorts. He had thrown his duffel over his shoulder and a towel was hanging around his neck. His windblown hair was a mess of wavy locks I desperately wanted to tangle my fingers in.
Asher was walking toward me. He crossed the field sticking to the trodden path before I could reach the middle of it. So I waited in the shade the edge of the forest provided. When he was close enough to speak in a low voice and knew I could hear him, he demanded, “What are you doing here?”
I wanted to tell him a million different things, but I decided on the most important. I wasn’t sure how much time I had with him before he hurried away and cut the conversation short. “You’re acting weird. Your mother is picking up on it.”
His eyes widened and he hurried closer, scolding me with his glare before telling me, “Keep your voice down.”
“I didn’t say anything,” I said, keeping my voice just where it was. “And you acting so guilty is what’s giving you away.”
Fuck.
I argued with him. I set fire to his short fuse and the firecracker was about to go off. “Oh yeah? According to you, there’s nothing to give away.”
“That’s not how I meant it and you know it,” I said accusingly. It hurt that he was so quick to bite my head off. “You need to stop panicking, Asher. You’re making a big deal out of it when nothing went wrong.”
