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All the movement makes my head pound more, but I don’t care. I need to see her.
Once I’m situated in the wheelchair, Sebastian wheels me out of the room and down the long corridor to the other end. It pays to have money, I see. The rooms are bigger, and the entire place is so quiet. Nothing like the raucous and loud rooms my mom is… was usually stuck in.
At the end of the hallway, we turn into another room, and I clamp my hand over my mouth when I spot her lying on the bed with her eyes closed. She looks asleep, and I can almost picture her green eyes opening, joy filling them as she smiles at me. But that will never happen again. I’ll never get to experience her smile or the glittering of her eyes. From now on, those things will be just a fragmented memory.
I glance back at Sebastian. "You moved her?”
He nods. "I wanted you to be able to say goodbye. I didn’t get to speak with her. The doctors called me, and by the time I made it here, she was already gone. When I realized what was going on, I left to get you. I know how much you love her. Why else would you work your ass off to help pay for her medical bills?"
I swallow around the tennis ball-sized lump in my throat and stare at the dull gray of her skin, the white half-moons of her nails. I'm looking at her body, but I can feel she's not here. No part of her is here in this hospital room any longer. Just the shell of her spirit remains. Time stands still, and it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.
Cold streaks trail down my cheeks faster now, and I cover my face with my hands to try to stop them. It can’t be real. It can’t be. A ragged sob fills the room, the sound both angry and sad. It takes me a moment to realize the noise had come out of me. My lungs deflate, and the throbbing behind my eyes intensifies. I think I’m going to throw up.
“I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but everything will be okay. I promise, and I don’t ever break my promises, Bel.” Sebastian tries his best to soothe me, but he has no idea what he’s saying. How can he think anything will ever be okay? My mother… our mother is gone. Dead. Nothing will be okay again. Nothing. Every single breath I inhale and exhale hurts as I try to grapple with the understanding that she's not coming back. That she’s not peacefully sleeping in that bed in front of me.
No more cinnamon toast on cold nights. No more drive-throughs where we have to comb the bottoms of our purses for enough change to cover the cost, all while laughing at each new thing we unearth from the depths of our bags. No more watching soap operas in the afternoon while I tease Mom about how cheesy they are. All the memories bottle up, threatening to choke the life out of me. I let out another horrendous sob. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to tell her how good of a mom she was. I didn’t get to tell her I love her more than anything in this world…
A pair of warm, rough hands grasp me, cradling my cheeks. Sebastian's face swims into view, his image blurry through my tears. "Maybel, breathe. Take a deep breath for me, or we will have to leave the room until you calm down."
I try to do just that, but it's like sucking air through a straw into my lungs. His grip on me tightens, and he squeezes my cheeks tighter, his fingers warm and damp from my tears.
"Come on, Bel. Breathe. You can do it."
I watch as he does it, breathing through his mouth before slowly exhaling out of his nose. I mirror his movements and suck in a ragged breath, then sob it back out. Over and over. I don't know how long I sit there drowning in my grief. Somehow, I make my way to the floor and let the cold seep into my bones. Sebastian’s strong arms hold me together, keeping me from shattering. The heavy thud of his heartbeat pulls me back to the present. He eases back, and I notice his cheeks are flushed and a little wet too. "Are you feeling better?"
I don't risk looking at my mother again, not when I can barely breathe as it is. I want to hold her hand and push the hair out of her face, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Not when I know she’s no longer there.
“Thank you for bringing me to her. I… I just can’t do this. I thought I could, but I can’t. I can’t stand seeing her like this. I want to go home."
He nods once and gently helps me to my feet. Then he glances at someone lingering near the door over my shoulder. "Can you have the doctor get her paperwork ready? I'll have a private doctor visit the house if she needs further care. I think being at home would help her heal better.”
“Of course. I’ll reach out to the doctor.” The voice matches that of the nurse who came to my room earlier. Sebastian gives her a nod, then helps me into the chair. My lip trembles as I bite it, attempting to hold back tears. Losing someone you love, there isn’t anything like it. It feels like someone stole a piece of who you are, and there’s no way to get it back. Anger and sadness battle it out in my mind as Sebastian wheels me out of the room.
"You can just wear what you have on. I'll order some clothes for you, or we can pick up what you have at the dorms later.”
I'm slumped in the chair, barely able to move, let alone think. I don’t want to go back to school. I don’t want to eat, sleep, or even breathe. I just want my mother back.
He continues talking like I'm actually participating in the conversation. "Don't worry about anything. I'll make the arrangements for her. Right now, I need you to worry about taking care of yourself. If anything happens to you…”
I zone out for a while, stuck in the deep, dark confines of my mind, hiding from the pain, anger, and sadness. I've lost everything. Mom. Drew. Jackie. I have nothing left and no one left to live for. What’s the point anymore?
A sudden jolt pulls me from my reverie, and I blink and return to the present, realizing that I’m suddenly in a car. When did he put me in a car? Disoriented, I shift in the seat and peer out the window. A huge mansion looms outside. This is definitely not home.
"This isn't where I live," I whisper.
"It is now. I'm sorry, Bel, I know this is a lot of change all at once," he speaks softly from beside me. "I can't protect you if you are off on your own. You'll have to stay at the family estate from now on so I can keep an eye on you. I don’t trust anyone right now."
I wave at the freaking mansion beyond the window. "This doesn’t even make sense. You don't even live here. You live at The Mill."
He lets out a slow breath from his nose. "Not anymore. When our grandfather died, I had no option but to step into line as the next heir. My place is here, managing the family affairs. I'll still finish school and do Mill functions, but from now on, I live here. And so do you."
His bossy, domineering tone has returned, but I don't have the strength to fight him. Not today at least.
He exits the car and jogs around to open my door. Gently, as if I’m made of glass, he helps me stand. My legs are jelly, and my knees threaten to buckle beneath my weight. I feel weak, so weak, but I can’t be. I can’t be weak. The pain in my head has subsided, probably from the pain meds they loaded me with before they removed my IV. If only they had a medication that could ease my heartache…
I hold his forearm but don't lean into him. "Just so you know, I can walk on my own.”
“Sure, says the one walking like a newborn fawn.” I grimace and glance at his face to find him smiling at me. It’s a genuine smile, the kind you give someone you care about.
