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Wow. Where did that thought come from? And damn if the thought didn’t lead to me make the mistake of glancing at his hands. Strong hands with long fingers. Was I really so pathetic that studying a man’s hands was turning me on?
Yes, yes I was.
Because his amazingly capable-of-giving-a great-two-fingered-orgasm-looking hands were inspiring all sorts of sexual fantasies. And clearly, being inebriated had given me a one-track mind.
“Juliette?” he prompted, taking a seat across from me.
Jesus, I needed a cold shower, stat. Refocusing, I put out a disclaimer. “See, the thing is I’m not sure if I’d be comfortable with a professional or not. I mean, you’re the expert, but I don’t know if this is my thing. I hope you understand. It’s nothing personal toward you.”
“Uh, okay. Maybe if you told me the problem, I could decide whether or not you should talk to someone. It doesn’t need to be me. It depends on the type of issue you’re having. We all specialize in different fields.”
“Right. That makes sense.” Just because the guy was a therapist didn’t mean he specialized in my brand of crazy. “Haylee seems to think you’d be good for me to talk to. She credits you with ensuring she and Josh made it to where they are now.”
His handsome face turned pink under the twinkling lights, but he appeared genuinely pleased to hear the compliment. “That’s nice to hear. They are both great people, and I’m lucky to call them friends.”
“Yes, they are. So here’s the thing.” I took a deep breath and dove straight into the deep end.
“My soon-to-be ex-husband is a piece of shit. Maybe I should feel bad saying those words out loud because he’s Tristan’s father, but this is a man who chose drugs over both me and, even worse, his baby son. One, I can get over; the other, not so much. Haylee said you specialize in grief counseling and depression, but those aren’t my issues. I’m kind of known as being upbeat and not letting anything affect me—ya know. So I’m not sure if you’re the correct person to speak with since this might not be your specialty, but it kind of feels good to get this off my chest, so maybe your field doesn’t matter as much as my being comfortable enough to talk to you.”
“I think you have me confused—”
I held up a hand, not actually listening to him. I was on a roll, convinced that drinking and therapy really went hand in hand. “Turns out that, in addition to Rob becoming a shitty husband over the last few years and, if possible, becoming an even shittier father, he’s also a shitty cop. One who is about to be arrested on a slew of charges.”
Damn. And there went two, nope, now three more dollars into the swear jar.
“And once he’s charged, all those people he put in jail, even the real criminals, could appeal their cases. Both my private investigator and divorce attorney—cuz I have one of each now—worry that Tristan and I could be in danger once they release his name. And the thing is that, although I hate him being a drug addict and soon-to-be felon, those facts help me in the long run to keep full custody of my son.” I took another sip of my water. Despite his stunned expression, I was not even close to being finished.
“Anyhow, I realize being an only parent isn’t easy, but I pretty much have been a single mother all along. And I can’t regret being married because I wouldn’t have Tristan. Obviously, once upon a time I loved his father, but then he changed, almost overnight, which I presume can be attributed to the drugs. At least that’s what I tell myself.”
“Juliette, I’m not—”
“No, let me finish. Haylee is convinced we’d click. Although I thought at first she was trying to set me up with you on a date.”
“What?”
I laughed. “Don’t worry. She meant to set me up with you to talk. I don’t think I’m ready for the other. Hell, after this experience, I don’t have a clue how I could ever trust someone again. Sometimes I just feel broken. Too broken to ever have a relationship with anyone normal, someone who wouldn’t run the other way upon hearing my baggage.”
I was off on a tangent, but I couldn’t seem to stop voicing all of my insecurities.
“I’ve only ever been with Rob, you know, sexually. And if I’m being honest, it wasn’t all that great. Not that I have anything to compare to, but he should at least be better than my vibrator, right? I can’t believe I said that out loud, but who better to talk to about this kind of stuff, I guess. Although if you think about a vibrator, maybe it’s not fair. I mean a man’s fingers can’t buzz like something battery operated. But can you imagine if they could?”
I barely took a breath, the words erupting now with unstoppable momentum, random, drunken thoughts mixing with real insecurities which had been building for years.
“Anyhow, the thought of being with another man physically is paralyzing. But I’d love more kids. Someday down the road. And I think I’m a pretty good mom, despite what my ex might say. Hell, I’m even happy to waive child support if it means he’ll stay out of the picture permanently.”
“You’d let him off the hook for paying child support for his own kid? That shouldn’t happen.”
His indignant response made me smile.
“It’s the only reason he may not fight me for joint custody, so he wouldn’t have to pay. And although doing it alone sucks, the thought of having another man in my life or in Tristan’s petrifies me completely. What if I pick another loser? Honestly, I should probably stop thinking about a relationship and maybe date casually at first. Don’t you think? Maybe eventually I’d meet someone, but what if I’m not any good at sex, either? What if I simply want a guy to skip the foreplay and fuck me in the dark, then leave the next morning before I wake up? Or does that idea mean I’m completely cuckoo for cocoa puffs? Which incidentally is such a great cereal. Instant chocolate milk to drink after you’re done eating it. What’s not to love, really?”
I studied him for a moment and realized he was even cuter when he was blushing slightly.
I took a sip of my water. “Haylee didn’t mention: are you single?”
“Uh, I—”
Holy inappropriateness Juliette. “Oh, fuck me. I mean, not literally. In case you were thinking that ‘cause it was on the heels of asking you about your status— I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hit on you. And I wasn’t propositioning you, either. And after talking about the vibrator and sex, what you must think of me.”
