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Yes, it would’ve. My alignment was off-center. If I swung a razor-sharp sword incorrectly, I could’ve seriously hurt myself. “Of course.”
Hands working magic on my foot, the general said, “I don’t want you to think you are unsafe. You are with your mate and will be surrounded by lethal hybrid males who would never allow one of our females to come to harm in their care. I agree it is inappropriate to be around humans this way; they will sexualize you and make comments that could drive me to violence. But hybrids do not covet another’s female. Unmated males only long for one woman’s song. They long for companionship. No male will think anything untoward about you. Only pride to see another well-cared-for female we can collectively adore and a healthy jealousy that they have not found their mate yet. As I have mentioned, you could use that jealousy to further your cause. Many will want to speak to you, simply because you look happy.”
Who said I was happy?
Digesting my expression, Cyderial said, “I know it hurt you a great deal our first time, but it would have hurt you a lot more if I had not diligently prepared myself to show restraint. Once your opening was complete, even when you were scared and fighting me, I didn’t cause you further pain. Some males shove in quickly and force a knot. Females heal at a rapid rate, but damage in that scenario is inevitable. Those mates do not come out of their nest for some months.”
Disgusted, I curled my toes against his grip. “That’s…. Why wouldn’t males want to prevent that?”
Ankle caught, he began to knead tender muscles, holding my eyes as he said, “Ask yourself this. Do you think Thayer will be cautious with Maeve? I recall what he said. He had zero restraint once he perceived her song. The man had his hand up her skirt in a public bar, trying to tease her open, where a roomful of excited men might watch. She would have been knotted while still suffering so he could stake his claim before another suitor might challenge him. But you could teach him to do better.”
My blood ran cold at the thought. “Why aren’t the males teaching this to one another? Why is this my job?”
“I will write my journal for the collective, but I cannot force anyone to seek it out.” More than happy to challenge me, he grew serious. “And before you suggest males receive sex education as well, that is a hard no. If we taught them how to seduce their prey, we would have greater problems on our hands at the academy. Boys need firm restraint, or the young, unmated girls will not be safe.”
“Is that what you will write your journal on? Ten years of restraint?” Considering how insane it had driven him, his depiction of that era might be something even I would want to read.
Nodding in agreement, he said, “I’m sure there will also be a chapter or two on how much you love it when I lick your cunt.”
Face flaming, I jerked my foot in an attempt to pull it from his grip. “Don’t you dare!”
Chuckling, he gave me an impudent grin. “I also must mention how sensitive you are in that sweet spot behind your ear. One kiss there and you spill slick.”
Flush and annoyingly aroused, I ground my teeth. “Please keep private things private.”
“If all the men kept what we learned private, I wouldn’t have known how to twist my tongue inside you while flicking your?—”
“Enough!”
God, he was enjoying this too much! Laughing, really laughing, Cyderial was a different person completely. “You are so cute when you blush.”
Fine, I was extremely modest and always had been. That was not a bad thing. Clearing my throat, I smoothed my robe and said, “Can we get back to the topic at hand?”
“I don’t imagine I will have the restraint to keep my hands off of you for at least a hundred years, and there are so many things I cannot wait to do to you. All of them, I read in journals,” he purred while playfully hooking my leg around his hip.
It would be a lie to pretend I didn’t desire to know what was in those journals he’d been reading… but there were more important topics weighing on me. “You told me what you wanted. Now I’m asking you to listen to what I have to say.”
“Of course.” Immediately, he pulled away, resuming an innocent foot rub and giving me his attention. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”
Way too much was weighing on my thoughts. A perfect mindstorm of what-ifs and confusion. “There wasn’t a day at the academy that I was happy. To be honest, I can't even imagine what consistent safety and happiness would feel like. There were moments when we all found joy, but they were very rare and almost always tied to breaking a rule that could see us killed. Such as sewing my dress in the dark.” Assured by his focus, I admitted, “Or playing with my stolen rock. You took me from deprivation and thrust me into this.” I gestured at the grandness of his room and all the glittering things within it.
He said nothing. Cyderial said… nothing. Biding his time, no doubt, and already formulating his response.
“One day, I was with a loving mother. The next, I was forced to kill a young vorec with a stick.” Trying and failing to brace against the chair, wishing I could be farther from him while also pressing softer parts of my body against him, I confessed, “We all quickly learn adults are not to be trusted. Mothers hand us over. Instructors exist to punish. All our guidance came from other children. Comfort was only offered by those who suffered with you. The academy is a lonely, terrible place for a kid. You want me to take a position within the academy, tempting me with the chance to make positive changes for my suffering sisters… by harming the youngest in the group. But I don’t trust you. The children, even though they know me, will not trust me. And I hated it there.”
I hated it, and the thought broke my hearts.
Softly, he said, “I know you did.”
And I would have no power to enact change. “Established instructors will have no reason to follow my suggestions. I am young, and my only credibility is that a general heard my song and I now belong to him.” And that was a hard fact.
He disagreed. “You might be surprised to find that not every instructor fell for your act. Some expect great things from you. You will not be unsupported, though it will be an uphill struggle with others. Altering the culture within the academy may take years. Your greatest adversary will be the constant threat of humans enacting an eradication protocol. They do not want happy hybrid children living joyfully in their city. They want trained slaves brainwashed into dying so they can live.”
That could not be completely true. “Before you took over, things were not as horrible. We were given an hour of playtime in the courtyard. Family visits were something to look forward to. Boys and girls intermingled, and?—”
“No.”
There he was, the imperious general I hated, and not the softer Cyderial I was learning could be kind.
