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She turns to face me. “Don’t do this for me,” she whispers.
“I’m doing it for her.”
After a few seconds, she nods.
Four days before Christmas,we get the news. The cancer is spreading again. It’s no surprise to me, and this time, I can see from Amelia’s composure that it’s no surprise to her either.
“I have the same options for you as before,” Dr. Faber says, folding her hands in her lap.
“Let’s do the chemo,” I say with a firm nod and fake smile.
“Do you want to discuss it?” Amelia rests her hand on my arm.
I shrug. “What’s there to discuss?”
Her forehead wrinkles while her teeth dig into her lower lip.
“We can start right after Christmas or wait until after New Year’s.”
“The sooner, the better,” I say.
Dr. Faber nods. “I’ll walk you out and get everything scheduled.”
I stand, and so does the doctor, but Amelia doesn’t. She stares at her lap, hands gripped to the edge of the chair.
“Coming?” I hold out a hand.
She’s expressionless. When she glances up, her vacant eyes find mine. Without taking my hand, she stands, and we follow the doctor.
We schedule future appointments.
We drive home in silence.
My mom greets us as soon as we open the door. “How did it go?” she asks, wringing her hands together.
I can only imagine what she must be feeling. No parent wants to lose a child.
“Well, the cancer has spread again, but I’m lined up to start chemo after Christmas. So, all we can do is take it one day at a time.”
Lips pressed together, she nods several times, tears building in her eyes.
I hug her. “It’s not the end of the world,” I whisper.
She sniffles. “M-my boy. You are my world.”
Amelia wipes her eyes and jogs up the stairs.
As my mom pulls away, she digs out a tissue from her pocket and wipes her nose. “Why don’t you go away again? Whatever you did before worked, right?”
“It’s not sustainable. It’s not fair to leave Amelia and Astrid again. And for how long? This is my life here. I’ll do what I can here.”
“I hate this.” She blots the corners of her eyes.
“I don’t exactly love it, but it’s part of life, and I’m at peace with whatever happens. I will enjoy Christmas with my family and deal with everything else as it comes. One day at a time.”
She gives me another hug. “I love you. I love you more than anyone. And I can’t have you leave this world before me. Do you hear me?”
I can’t fucking speak, so I nod.
