Page 60 of The Duchess Curse

“No. I was in the Americas on an assignment when it happened. When I left, my brother had still been alive. My cousin too. Though my father died many years ago. Many second sons are older when they join the order. Shadows are older in general. A second son is a spare to the heir until the heir himself has a son, so my father did not take up service until after my cousin was a young child. He died on an assignment for the Shadows when I was one and twenty. I don’t know how. These details rarely get out. Such is the nature of secrecy.”

“Why do they take positions so late in life?”

“When your whole life is dedicated to being a spare human, when your entire purpose is just in case, you crave something deeper. That is why my father enlisted me so early. He didn’t want me to feel like a spare. He wanted me to have purpose, to feel valuable.”

“How old were you?” she asked

“Fifteen when I began training. But I suspect my father began training me in his own way before then. My early education was a bit remarkable. By the time I was fifteen, I was well-versed in the everyday parlance of French, naturally, Russian, and German. I learned Greek later, during my official training. And, as a small child, I had been given as diversion, a myriad of puzzles, codes to break, problems to solve. And I had often been left in the dark and liminal places to think and to dream and to look.”

She stopped. “Look? In the dark? What is there to see?”

He stopped, too. “One of the most important talents a Shadow cultivates is the ability to see in the dark. It is really an ability to gather up all the little sparks and threads of light right in front of our eyes and use it to pierce the darkness. It is like having little fairy orbs for spectacles.”

“Marvelous,” she breathed.

He shrugged. “Useful.”

“Did you enjoy your training?”

“Mmm. But I missed my family.”

“Do you have any living family?”

He shook his head, scratched the back of his neck. “My mother died when I was very young, and it was only my father and me and my brother for a long time. The other Shadows became like a family to me.”

“I have noticed that, after a rather rocky beginning, you treat Hesperus like a brother.”

“He’s a good man. Though I wish you were more formal with him.” Jealousy was a viper, poisonous and lethal.

“You have never felt the same with Ned.”

“He’s not as good looking as Mr. Grant.”

She laughed and started walking again.

He followed just behind her. “Hesperus reminds me a bit of my brother. A good man, an upright man, he never would’ve lied to his wife for years about who he is.”

Her back stiffened. “It wasn’t just that. You were spying on me. I felt such… complicated emotions towards you. Emotions for me are deadly. I suppose you’ll say that your emotions were complicated too.”

He shook his head, rubbed the palm of his hands down his thigh. “Not complicated at all, unfortunately. Only the situation was that. Complicated.” A curse. All of this caused by a curse that was more fairy tale than reality. He’d figure that out later. “I would think you would be nervous about tonight. Facing the ton as Lady Guinevere and as the Duchess of Braxton. Standing in a room of men, some of whom have wanted you dead, whose wives have wanted your potions, and boldly claiming you are one of them.”

“I wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t have to. Royal pressure and all.”

“I wouldn’t do it either. But I must. Royal pressure you understand.”

“What do you usually do at balls?” she asked after a moment.

“I do not go to them.”

“Ever?” She peeked up at him.

“My life is with you. And you do not go to balls.”

She stopped for the space of a breath, then started up faster than before, and when she spoke, irritation laced every word. “Do you know what still bothers me?”

“Everything about me, I assume.

“First is how exhausted you must be from living a double life. Not that I care anything for your exhaustion but just thinking about it tires me. The second thing that bothers me is that you must not have given much attention to your responsibilities as Braxton in all the time you were with me. Yes, you would disappear some afternoons, some full days, but you always returned, and you were more often than not standing in that little corner of my office or following me about. And I paid you. What did you do with that money? You have no need of it.”