Page 114 of Regency Whispers: Scandalous Matches

Alice nodded slowly. ‘I understand that,’ she said, giving him a sad smile. ‘Although, I wish it were not so.’

‘It also means that I will not have children. I refuse to bring a child into this world who might suffer the same.’

He could see Alice had more to say, perhaps more to argue on this subject, but after a moment she pressed her lips together and nodded. ‘I understand,’ she said simply.

Looking at her intently he spoke a little softer. ‘I know this is not the life I promised you. I offered a year or two of comfort with your reputation intact, and then perhaps a few months of mourning before you could start looking for a husband of your own choice. A man you wanted to marry and who would give you your family.’

Alice looked away, but before she did, he thought he saw tears in her eyes. He felt like a cad, ripping away her hopes for the future like this.

‘I do not begrudge you being alive, Simon,’ she said softly. ‘Whatever that means for my future.’

They were kind words from a kind young woman, and for a moment he wanted to pull her into his arms, hold her close to him and tell her he would give her whatever she wanted, yet he couldn’t do it. Their lives were destined to go in very different directions, and as much as he liked Alice, as much as he desired her and could see himself being happy with her if they lived a conventional life as husband and wife, it wasn’t a path he could take.

He couldn’t bring himself to voice the other reason he couldn’t build a true relationship with her—it was buried too deep inside and he didn’t like to examine it too closely—but there was a part of him that felt as though he were stealing his brother’s life. He had the title, the properties, the place in Parliament, all the things his brother should be enjoying still. If he allowed himself to have a normal life with Alice, to treat her as his true wife, to have children with her, that would be a step too far in assuming the life that should have been his brother’s.

Alice took a deep breath and seemed to brace herself for what she had to say next.

‘I understand you do not want to have children, that you are concerned about passing to them whatever it is your father and brother were afflicted by. I also understand that means we cannot have an intimate relationship as is normal between husband and wife.’

He hadn’t expected she would be so direct, but he was pleased that there was no ambiguity in her words. The last thing they wanted was to speak in metaphors and then both leave with a different understanding of what the future would hold.

‘I am not sure what it is you do want, Simon. Do you wish for us to lead completely separate lives? For me to reside in Northumberland whilst you are in London, and then when you travel north we cross on the road when I am heading for London? Or do you want us to have a closer relationship, a friendship, a companionship? It is very hard to know what to suggest when I have no idea what it is you would be comfortable with.’

Up until he had arrived back in England, he would have said the first of her suggestions was the one that made the most sense, but now, even after spending just a few scattered hours with Alice, he wasn’t sure he wanted to move around the country like ships passing in the night, barely acknowledging she existed. Whilst he was in Italy, his marriage had seemed an abstract concept, something that was very easy to put out of his mind, but now that he had returned it was far harder to ignore her, and he realised he didn’t wish to.

‘I propose a friendship, perhaps with time, even a companionship. We do not need to be tied to one another, if you wish to stay in London when I go to Northumberland, then there is no issue. If I wish to visit friends, then I will inform you, but there is no expectation that we conduct every aspect of our lives together.’

‘That sounds agreeable,’ Alice said. ‘So we shall endeavour to at least keep the other person informed of our plans.’

‘Yes,’ he murmured. ‘I know I left rather abruptly a few weeks ago when I travelled to Northumberland. I should have informed you in person. I was overwhelmed by my return home, but it is no excuse for leaving without bidding you farewell. I am sorry.’

‘Thank you.’

They had ridden some way across the open grass now and were in a deserted part of the park. There was a good view over the green space up here, and for a moment Simon paused to take it all in. He felt a roil of emotion as he let his eyes take in the rooftops of London beyond the park. When he’d left England eleven months ago, he had thought he would never look upon this view, nor see his beloved Northumberland again either. His homecoming had proved more emotional than he had imagined.

‘I have brought some refreshment. Shall we pause here and toast our marriage with a glass of lemonade?’

‘That sounds lovely.’ Alice smiled at him, and for an instant he had the urge to throw away every caution and pull her into his arms, to hell with the consequences. Quickly he pushed the thought away: he had given in to his desire once with Alice, and that had upended both their lives. He must control himself better around his pretty wife.

Chapter Thirteen

Alice tried to push away the desire she felt as Simon wrapped his hands around her waist to help her from her saddle. It was an impossible situation, and she had to do everything in her power not to make it worse.

She considered his offer of friendship, companionship perhaps, and realised it was better than she had feared but not what she had secretly hoped for. It was ridiculous to even think about, but deep down she knew she wished Simon had come racing back to London because he had suddenly realised he could not live without her. It was so far from the truth of the matter it was almost laughable. He did not want to live with her as most men wanted to live with their wives. He would treat her as a spinster relative, with kindness and perhaps even a little platonic affection, but there would be no intimacy, no love.

Alice pushed away the disappointment. This way was better. She could continue with her life here in London, travel to Northumberland to see Maria and the children as planned later in the summer, take her trips to visit her own sister. Sometimes Simon would be at home when she returned, sometimes he would not. Her life would not change substantially, and perhaps with a little time she would grow to enjoy this new phase.

She was determined not to become reliant on Simon’s company, though. He had shown how quickly he could disappear and how little importance he placed on including her in his plans. She would have to conduct her life with this in mind, always wary that he could disappear at any moment.

With his hands around her waist, Simon steadied Alice as she slid to the ground. They ended up standing close, and Alice could not resist the urge to raise a hand and place it on his chest. Even through the layers of clothing, she could feel his heart beating, slow and steady underneath the subtle rise and fall as he inhaled and exhaled. She glanced up at him and saw him regarding her strangely, with an almost hungry look in his eyes, and she realised that desire for her he had shown on the night of the Midsummer’s Eve ball had not disappeared completely. He was holding himself tight, coiled like a deadly snake ready to spring out at its prey, and she realised with a rush of satisfaction she was making him feel on edge.

She was pleased not at his discomfort but that she was not the only one struggling to deny she felt something more than a desire for friendship between them.

Alice allowed her hand to linger for another few seconds and then withdrew, stepping to the side to move around him, trying to pretend nothing had happened. Despite being a married woman of eleven months, she was still very much an innocent in the ways of seduction. However, people assumed she had at least had her wedding night with her husband, and it meant she was no longer shielded from some of the more delicate conversations held between married women.

She had no plans to try to seduce Simon: not only would she have no idea how to go about it but also it wouldn’t be fair. She might not agree with his reasons for deciding not to have children, but it was his decision, and she would not trick him into any intimacy in the hopes that she might have the family she dreamed of. Instead she would work on making the life she did have as fulfilling as possible, and perhaps dreaming of her husband’s lips on hers last thing at night when they went to bed.

Simon lingered by the horses for a moment and when he turned to face her, he looked composed with no hint of the desire that had flashed in his eyes when she’d stood close.