Page 120 of Regency Whispers: Scandalous Matches

‘I thought we had come to an understanding in the park.’

‘Friendship?’

‘Yes. A decision we would both live our lives independently, but with consideration of the other person.’

She looked at him then, a fierce intensity burning in her eyes, and for a moment he thought he saw a flash of desire, but then she pressed her lips together and inhaled sharply.

‘You chide me for not trusting you, yet trust must be built, as must a friendship. I thought that was what you were doing, accompanying me to the orphanage, trying to build some common ground between us, but perhaps I was wrong.’

‘You were not wrong, Alice,’ he said, sitting back and running a hand through his hair. ‘God’s blood, I’m trying. This is difficult for me as well.’

She snorted and shook her head, and he felt a swell of anger rise inside him.

‘I grant you it is more difficult for you, to have me return alive when I had promised you your freedom, but I too am trying to navigate an impossible situation.’

She leaned forward, jabbing a finger in his direction. ‘Do not imply I want you dead.’

‘It would be far simpler for you if I were.’

‘You think I am that cruel?’

Simon felt the momentary anger simmer and then die away inside him, and he lowered his voice.

‘No,’ he said quietly. ‘Of course not. Forgive me, that was unacceptable.’

Alice looked at him, her eyes narrowed. ‘Just because you do not think you deserve to be alive doesn’t mean I would ever agree with you. I went into this marriage with my eyes open, and although it may not be exactly what you promised, I would never, ever wish you were dead so that I could have my freedom.’ She paused to draw in a ragged breath. ‘You are not a victim here, Simon. You get to dictate how our lives continue. You have the position of power. You say we cannot have a normal marriage,’ she said and snapped her fingers, ‘so we do not have a normal marriage. You say we cannot have children—’ another snap of the fingers ‘—no children. You say we will work towards a friendship.’ The third snap seemed to pierce his very soul. ‘Friendship it is.’

Her words cut through him, and he gripped the seat, trying to anchor himself as the world spun around him.

For a long time they were silent, and the carriage was travelling through familiar streets before Simon was able to speak again.

‘What do you mean, I do not think I deserve to be alive?’

‘It is true, is it not?’

He shook his head, but even to him the movement was unconvincing.

‘When you left, your mother and your sister-in-law were devastated. It was as though they were in mourning, and for two women who had lost so much already, it nearly broke them.’

Simon closed his eyes for a moment, knowing this was going to be hard to hear. He had known his departure to Italy would be painful for those who loved him, but at the time he had thought it would ultimately protect them.

‘Your mother couldn’t get out of bed for a week.’ She held up a hand. ‘I do not tell you this to punish you, to make you feel guilty, but I think it is important you realise the impact of your actions on those who love you.’

‘I knew it would be hard for them, but I thought it better than the alternative.’

‘When your mother was up to having visitors, I went and sat with her every day, and she told me all about you and your family. She told me of how you idolised your father, how he was a wonderful man who both you and your brother looked up to. She told me of how his death had ripped you apart. A boy of twelve needs his father, and you lost yours in one of the worst ways imaginable.’

The carriage was beginning to slow as they approached the house, but Simon knocked loudly on the roof and stuck his head out the window, telling the driver to loop around until he was instructed otherwise.

‘You mourned him deeply, but you still had your brother. Your mother told me you loved Robert more than anyone else.’

‘He was the best of men.’

‘And she said you slowly were able to put your father’s death behind you.’

‘With Robert’s help.’

‘Robert, with the beautiful wife and the incredible daughters. The earl, the beloved landlord.’