Page 126 of Regency Whispers: Scandalous Matches

Alice would never admit how much it pleased her that he was still here.

‘What time is it?’

‘After ten. I checked with Miss Stick, and she tells me you have no engagements until your dinner party with the Hampshires this evening.’

Simon was fully dressed, and he showed no outward signs of his heavy night of drinking, although once he had poured the coffee he took a tentative sip before deciding to take a full cup.

‘I brought you the papers,’ he said. ‘We are mentioned in the gossip rag.’

Alice’s eyes widened. She had been featured many times before, but in recent months only small comments about what dress she had decided to wear or who she had danced with, nothing more interesting than that, but from Simon’s tone she could tell today was different.

‘Third paragraph down.’

She let her eyes drift over the first two paragraphs quickly, then read aloud.

‘Lord Westcroft made a return to London this week, much to the surprise of society and to his wife. Lady Westcroft was left looking shocked at the Livingstones’ ball when her husband waltzed in and swept her onto the dance floor. One has to wonder if the errant Lord Westcroft thinks of his wife at all—at the very least he does not seem to include her in his travel plans.’

She eyed Simon carefully. It was more a criticism of him than her, and not entirely untrue even if it was an unflattering view of the situation.

‘They are not wrong. I did just waltz into the Livingstones’ ball and surprise you. It must have been unsettling for you.’

Alice blinked, pulling the sheets up a little farther to cover her nakedness. This was what they were going to talk about now? After everything that had happened yesterday and this morning?

Pointedly she set the paper on the bed and looked at him expectantly. Simon sipped his coffee, pretending he didn’t feel her eyes on him and then sighed.

‘You wish to talk about this morning.’

‘We need to talk about this morning.’

Simon cleared his throat and then for a long time did not say anything at all.

‘Simon,’ she prompted him eventually.

‘I spent a long time thinking yesterday after our...discussion,’ he said slowly. ‘And I have to acknowledge that on many points you are correct. I do feel guilty about living the life my brother should have, and I shy away from following the same path as him in the parts that are not essential. I had vowed never to marry, but when we met we set into motion a chain of events that led us to the altar. It did not matter too much, for the marriage was not to be like Robert’s, not a love match.’

Alice hugged her knees to her, wondering if she was strong enough to hear what he had to say.

‘I am not trying to punish myself, or you, in any way, Alice. I know my father’s and brother’s deaths were not my fault, yet I cannot help the guilt I feel that I am still here whilst they are not.’

‘I understand that can be quite common amongst people where one person survives a tragedy when others close to them have died.’

‘It was hard hearing that everyone close to me had worked out what was going on in far better detail than I had,’ he said quietly. ‘I think that is why I was so upset yesterday. I thought what I was doing wasn’t affecting other people too much, but I was wrong.’

Alice felt like they were reaching some ultimatum, some declaration of how he truly felt and what he wanted from his future.

‘I cannot deny the desire I feel for you, Alice. I think that was obvious this morning.’

Alice felt her heart sink. As unlikely as it was, she had hoped for a declaration of love, a suggestion that they make their marriage a conventional one where they enjoyed each other’s company to the fullest. She chided herself for getting her hopes up once again. She was too naïve in the ways of the heart, and she needed to start protecting herself better.

‘What do you propose we do?’

Simon sighed. ‘I am not sure we can live in the same house and not end up in a similar situation as we did this morning.’

‘You wish to leave?’

‘No,’ he said quickly. ‘I do not. Yet I cannot offer you what a husband should in these circumstances.’

Love. He could not offer her love. Even if he stayed, he would be holding part of himself back, making sure he held her at arm’s-length to deny himself the happiness they could have.