Page 140 of Regency Whispers: Scandalous Matches

Now he had stopped he was aware of the ache in his legs and feet. He was an active man, often walking for hours in the Tuscan hills in the last year and enjoying long, physically challenging rides on horseback as well, but he realised he must have been walking for at least six or seven hours. His mouth was dry, and he longed for something to quench his thirst. In the distance he could see the smartly painted swinging sign for one of the inns that were dotted along the main routes out of London to provide shelter and refreshments for weary travellers.

It only took him a couple of minutes to make his way to the inn where he was welcomed by a middle-aged woman with a smile and the offer of ale. He ordered and was thankful when the drink arrived, downing half the tankard as soon as he raised it to his lips.

Thankfully the inn was quiet, and Simon had found a corner table to himself so he was able to nurse the rest of the ale in peace, undisturbed by the few other patrons.

After a moment he closed his eyes, feeling awfully weary. He could not quite believe he had been walking for so long.

‘Alice,’ he murmured, thinking of how he had just abandoned her in the middle of the street when he was meant to be escorting her. It was inexcusable, yet he had been unable to act in any other way. When the man had approached them, mistaking Simon for his brother, he had felt as though he had been shot through the heart. Every day he woke up wishing his brother were alive, feeling guilty that he got to continue with life when Robert did not. Ever since his talk with Maria, he had spent each day fighting so hard to push the feeling away, to convince himself he was something more than an imposter living the life his brother should have had. Then the feeling had come rushing back in an instant with one innocent little mistake.

For a minute Simon cradled his head in his hands, trying to unpick the tangled web of thoughts and mess of emotions jumbled inside him. It had been one of the reasons he had walked for so long: as soon as he stopped, the sorrow and despair threatened to overwhelm him, but he knew the answer wasn’t running for ever.

He took another large gulp of ale and motioned for the barmaid to bring another over. He would only have the one more—the last thing he needed was to lose control of his senses.

Simon sat back in his chair and watched the other people in the room for a moment and then drained the last of the ale from his tankard. He knew he had to let his thoughts in, to acknowledge the pain he was feeling, the doubts, but part of him wanted to keep pushing it away.

‘Here you are, sir,’ the barmaid said, placing the ale down in front of him. ‘Anything else I can get you?’

‘No, thank you.’ He tried to empty his mind as he stared into the full tankard of ale, but his thoughts were still racing. These last few weeks he had been pretending everything was all right, that he wasn’t about to fall apart any moment. He had felt real happiness with Alice, a sense of contentment that he now feared he did not deserve.

His mind brought forward an image that he often saw in those quiet moments when nothing else was happening. It was of Robert and Maria at their wedding, coming out of the church with their heads bent together. The image was as clear to Simon as if he were looking at a painting, even down to the blissful expressions on their faces.

He’d felt that same bliss when he’d been walking arm-in-arm with Alice, that same contentment. In his mind he had been planning what their future might be like, pushing aside the doubts that plagued him about how long he would live.

Deep in his chest he felt a throb of pain. For the last few weeks he had been lying to himself, pretending he was worthy of something he was not. If he pursued a relationship with Alice, he would be seeking that same happiness his brother had enjoyed, that same ideal of family life. If he followed his heart, he would be stepping into Robert’s shoes completely, choosing a contented, domestic life.

‘I can’t be you,’ he murmured, low enough not to attract any attention. ‘I can’t take your life.’

Morosely Simon stared into his ale, not knowing what was for the best. He couldn’t just abandon Alice—that would be cruel—but he didn’t know what he wanted from his life. He could either pursue happiness and lead a life plagued by guilt or accept that he couldn’t be with Alice, despite falling for her these last few weeks.

Twenty-four hours later Simon was not back, and Alice’s mild concern had turned to devastation and anger. After everything they had been through, he had left again, disappeared without a word. She understood the strong emotions he felt around inheriting his brother’s title, and if he had been here in the house she would have given him space to work through how he was feeling.

The problem was he wasn’t in the house. He hadn’t even sent a note to let her know where he was or how long he was planning on being absent. He could be halfway to France by now or boarding a boat for any part of the world he desired. The last time he had felt overwhelmed, he’d run away, fleeing the country. She wasn’t entirely convinced he wouldn’t do the same this time.

‘I will not stay here, perpetually waiting,’ Alice murmured, and decisively she crossed to the corner of the room and pulled the bell cord to summon the maid.

A minute later she appeared at Alice’s door, bobbing into a little curtsy. ‘What can I do, my Lady?’

‘Ask Miss Stick to have my trunk brought up to my room and to get Drummond to ready the carriage and the horses.’

‘Yes, my Lady.’

Alice began pulling her dresses out and quickly started to fold them. She did not care that they would be creased in the trunk, she could have them steamed when she arrived in Northumberland. All she cared about was getting away from London and away from Simon.

‘Alice, the maid said you were packing to leave,’ Maria said as she came into the room.

‘I am planning on returning to Northumberland immediately.’

Maria raised an eyebrow in question.

‘He’s gone, Maria. Yesterday when we were out walking, an old acquaintance of Robert’s thought Simon was his older brother. It upset him, and he left almost immediately. I thought he would walk about for a while to think about things and then he would come home.’

‘But he didn’t return?’

Alice shook her head miserably. ‘I have no idea where he is or if he is ever coming back.’

‘Of course he is coming back, Alice. He loves you.’

‘Does he? He has never told me so. He looks after me, treats me as an equal, but he has never been able to say that he loves me.’