Page 144 of Regency Whispers: Scandalous Matches

‘No,’ he said sharply. ‘I do not want you to expect such a thing.’

She turned to him, tears in her eyes. ‘In London, after I had been injured, I thought that maybe something had changed between us, that maybe there was a chance that you could love me.’

There was pain in his eyes in response to her words, and he pressed his lips together so hard they went completely white. She realised how close he was to losing control and tentatively laid a hand over his. No matter how much she was hurting, she did not want to see Simon suffer like this. He had suffered enough in the last twenty years to last a lifetime.

‘Can I tell you something? I know I have no right, but can I ask for your indulgence one last time before you decide what you are going to do?’ He spoke quietly, but Alice could see he had control of himself again.

‘Yes.’

‘For twenty-one years I have been in mourning, but for the past five years I have felt as though I do not deserve to be here. I have hated every step I have had to take in Robert’s shoes, every one of his duties I have had to shoulder. I have felt unworthy, and it has drained my very soul.’

Alice saw the anguish in his eyes and realised how much he had been suffering. She wanted to fold him in her arms and kiss him until he forgot the darkness, despite everything they had been through, but she knew he had to get this out in the open. Only then might he be able to begin to heal.

‘Added to that is the fear that I will be struck down by the same condition that killed my father and my brother. I didn’t want to die, didn’t want my life to be over, but I felt like it was inevitable given how two good men, better men, had already been taken.’

‘Not better,’ Alice murmured.

‘I have been hiding away, scared of dying but not feeling worthy of the life I had. The only way I knew how to cope was to push people away. Then I met you.’ He flicked a glance at her, and she gave him an encouraging smile. ‘That night at the Midsummer’s Eve ball, when I met you I felt something shift. I was happy for the first time in a long time. It was as though you wakened something inside me.’ He shook his head ruefully. ‘Then I reverted back to my old ways and ran away, thinking I was sparing everyone the pain I felt, not realising I was only causing more of it.’

He turned to her, and Alice gave him an encouraging nod. She could feel the tears running down her cheeks as the wind whipped at them, but she didn’t wipe them away.

‘When I returned I did not know how we would live as husband and wife, but as soon as I saw you again I began falling in love. I fell hard and fast, even as I tried to pretend I felt nothing.’

Alice felt her eyes widen. She hadn’t expected him to be able to say he loved her. For the first time since he had arrived in Northumberland, she allowed her mind to begin racing, to wonder if perhaps they had a chance at a future.

‘You were like a magic potion, Alice. As you drew me in I started to realise little by little how terrible I had been feeling, how badly I had been treating myself, and how badly I had treated you. It was liberating to allow myself pleasure, to seek out enjoyment in things and realise that the guilt I was feeling for surviving when my brother had not was irrational. You did all of that. You showed me what it was to love and be loved.’

He reached out and stroked her cheek, and Alice felt a warmth flood through her body. She wanted to kiss him, to embrace him, but she knew it was important he say everything he needed to.

‘When you were stabbed, I felt as though my world were ending. I didn’t know how I would cope without you, even though I could not admit it to myself. I got so scared at the thought of losing someone else I loved. I tried to push everything down, to deny what I was feeling. Then when that man approached us in the street, mistaking me for Robert, it was as if every worry from the past came crashing back. I was overwhelmed. Suddenly I felt like a fraud, as if all the progress I had made was not real.’ He shook his head. ‘I am so sorry for abandoning you then, Alice. It was the worst possible thing I could have done.’

‘Where did you go?’

‘I walked the streets for hours, and then the next morning I went up the Monument. It was a place I used to visit with my father when I was young, and I realised I needed to properly clear my head, properly address what had happened.’

‘That was when you came up with all of this?’

‘It was the start. The journey here gave me a lot of time to think as well.’

Alice fell silent, her fingers drawing patterns in the sand by her sides.

‘And now?’ she asked eventually.

‘Now I throw myself on your mercy, Alice. I love you with all my heart. Your smile lights up my world, and your laughter soothes my soul. I will do anything in my power to make you happy every day for the rest of our lives.’

‘You want us to live as husband and wife?’

‘Yes. More than anything.’

Alice felt her heart jump in her chest. Nothing was certain in life, but her main fear of giving her heart to Simon was that he would one day soon abandon her again. Now that he had acknowledged the reasons for his actions these past few years, she doubted he would act in the same way.

‘I love you, Simon. I fell in love with you on the night of the Midsummer’s Eve ball, and I have been pining for you ever since.’

‘Do you think you can give me another chance?’

Alice closed her eyes and thought of all the reasons it might not work, then pushed them away. She loved him and he loved her. That was all they needed. Anything else they could work through together.

‘Yes,’ she said, leaning forward and kissing him.