Page 77 of Regency Whispers: Scandalous Matches

Jane burst out of the double doors into the courtyard, gasping for breath. She felt as though she were suffocating and tried to suck in great lungfuls of air. The cool raindrops that landed on her face were a shock to her body and this seemed to help her, to ground her a little, and slowly she felt some semblance of normality returning.

Glancing up, she was grateful to see there were hardly any windows looking out over the courtyard. The last thing she needed was for Tom to witness her panic and come rushing down.

Leaning back against the wall, she tried to empty her mind of everything but the air going in and out of her chest. It took a few minutes but after some time she felt much calmer.

He loves me. Jane knew if he had told her this a week ago she would have been dancing with joy, planning out their lives together. Now everything was different. She did believe him. Tom wasn’t cruel. He wouldn’t tell her he loved her if he didn’t. Despite everything that had happened between them, she still knew he was a good man, a man who would never intentionally go out of his way to hurt her.

He loves me. Part of her wished she could ignore everything else—ignore the fact he didn’t want the responsibility for someone else, that if he had the choice they wouldn’t be getting married—but this was her life, her future, and she refused to go into it blindly.

Jane knew she had to listen, to hear what he had to say, and then she could consider whether they would be better together or apart.

‘I love you, Tom Stewart,’ she murmured, wondering if love was going to be enough.

Half an hour later, there was a delicious aroma wafting out of Tom’s room as Jane approached. Quietly she knocked on the door, not wanting to announce to all the other guests at the inn that she was going in to have dinner alone with a man, unchaperoned.

‘Come in,’ Tom said as he opened the door. He was dressed properly now, in a shirt and jacket. They were a little crumpled but fresh. As usual, he looked devastatingly handsome.

Someone had set up a small table and brought in another chair, placing it so it faced the arm chair that was already in the room. On the table were two steaming bowls of stew—the delicious smell she had detected on walking along the corridor. There was also a plate of bread and a selection of meats and cheese. Jane had taken some bread and an apple for her lunch from the inn she had stayed at the night before, but apart from that she hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and suddenly she realised quite how hungry she was.

‘That smells wonderful.’

‘I know. I had a hard time not eating both portions before you arrived and pretending they only brought bread and cheese.’

‘I applaud your restraint. Shall we eat?’

The stew was delicious, warm, flavoursome and filling, just what Jane needed after a long day being rocked in the uncomfortable and crowded coach. She felt herself relaxing and didn’t object when Tom started to talk about everyday things. He told her of his time in Italy and the skirmishes he and his friend Western had got into in the army. It felt good to listen, to not worry about the future for a little while.

Once the meal was finished, they placed the plates outside the door and Tom took her hand, leading her to the bed.

‘Sit with me,’ he said, his eyes holding hers. ‘Sit with me while we talk.’ Hesitantly, she nodded. There was a knot of nerves in her stomach, swirling and squirming. In the next few minutes, they would decide what their entire futures looked like.

‘I meant what I said earlier,’ Tom said quietly. ‘I love you. I didn’t allow myself to admit it, because it would mean confronting all the demons from my past, but it is the truth.’

‘I believe you.’ She hesitated, wondering how she could make him see it wasn’t his love she was questioning. ‘I know the heartache you went through with your sister. I know you still blame yourself for leaving her behind. I understand that is why you have never wanted a relationship where the other person becomes reliant on you, but if we marry that will happen.’ She paused and looked him directly in the eye. ‘If we marry, I will be your wife.’

‘I know.’

‘And the last thing I want to do is make you feel trapped or as if you have been forced into this.’

Tom reached out and took her hand. ‘I have been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days and I realised something you said to me a few days ago was true. I was a young man when I left for the army, a young man who had experienced nothing but cruelty and disdain from my father. If could turn back the clock and have my time again, I wouldn’t leave my sister there, but that is said with hindsight and growth.’

Jane felt a surge of hope begin to build inside her. This was exactly what Tom needed to see, needed to realise, but she hadn’t thought it possible, given how long he had been holding on to his guilt.

‘If placed in that situation again, I know I would act differently,’ he said, looking at her with affection in his eyes. ‘So I have to believe the same is true for my life with you and with Edward.’

‘I know you would always put that boy first and do your best by him.’

‘I would. I still feel guilty about leaving my sister behind, but I need to move forward in my life as the man I am now, not the boy I was then.’ He paused and then took her hand. ‘I am sorry it took me nearly losing you to realise this. For so long, I’ve felt so guilty. Any time the subject has come up, I’ve hurried to suppress it. I didn’t want to examine what had happened and that meant I was stuck in a perpetual loop of guilt and regret.’

‘I think everything you’ve said is true,’ she said, knowing it meant they might be able to share a future.

‘I want it all, Jane. I want you and I want love and I want us to be a family with Edward. I stand by part of what you overheard me say to Lady Mountjoy—Edward’s life will be much better with you in it. So will mine. We would be lucky to have you. I would be lucky to have you.’

‘I would be lucky to have you too,’ Jane said quietly.

Tom raised his head a little so his eyes held hers.

‘You mean that?’