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I wouldn’t cry. I wouldn’t do it. I’d rip my eyeballs out of their sockets before a single tear dropped in front of this man. I spun and walked out of his office, intent on going somewhere other thanhere.
I didn’t think he’d follow, but his footsteps sounded behind me.
“Being upset is a waste of energy,” he said.
I stormed back in his direction, staring at him as if he’d lost his senses. Or was he so inhuman he couldn’t fathom what a human life meant? It took every last shred of restraint I had not to grab his freshly pressed shirt and shake him.
“I’m going to live in a mop closet for the rest of my life and you think I should just accept that?” I asked, not caring that I was a foot away from him and on the brink of screaming. The reality staring down at me deserved at least that amount of rage.
He stood as calmly as ever as I started gasping for air.
“There’s no air in this place,” I said, breathing heavily. “Did you do something?”I reached out a hand, bracing it on the wall.
“You’re having a panic attack.”
He might be right, but nothing about hearing the words aloud did anything to halt it. Instead, I was gasping more.
This wasn’t me. I didn’t lose control and gasp and freak out.
But he’d just informed me my entire life was slowly disappearing. Screw holding it together. If there was ever a time to freak out, this was it. He was lucky I wasn’t sobbing, although considering my current lack of control, that might be coming next.
He leaned on the opposite wall, watching me gasp for air while his breathing was perfectly fine.
Nothing mattered at the moment but the fact that I had no job, would have no family or friends soon, and I would go to sleep at night with the fragrant smell of bleach and urine-soaked mops.
“You’ll eventually be able to live in Nowhere, or keep a place in Topside. It’s not as if this outpost is it,” he said, as if he’d sensed my thoughts.
Topside, a place where no one would remember me. Or Nowhere? That place? Where there were no laws, and it sounded like utter chaos that I dared not even go into yet? That was supposed to make me feel better?
I had to stop talking to him or the hysterics would only get worse, and I was a hair away from a full-blown meltdown. I’d never had one in my life, but that didn’t mean I didn’t recognize it running down the tracks toward me.
I didn’t respond as I focused on slowing my breathing, getting back under control.
I barely noticed the sound of other footsteps headed our way until Connor said, “Oh shit. She’s cracking. It’s the mop closet, right? I told Dice to put her in the suite, but you know he likes to save those rooms for his extracurricular.”
I didn’thaveto stay in a mop closet? Seriously? There were other options and no one had bothered to mention them?
By the time I straightened off the wall, Kaden was already in between us, blocking Connor’s view as I pulled myself together.
“We need a few,” Kaden said.
Connor’s footsteps retreated down the hall, away from us as he grumbled, “Not my fault Dice is a pig.”
Kaden waited another few moments, until Connor was completely gone, before he took a few steps in the opposite direction.
“Follow me,” he said.When I didn’t move, he added, “At the very least, this will make your stay, however long, more comfortable.” He waited to see if I’d follow then.
The idea of staying one more night with the bleach made my feet move.
He made a few turns, down a hall I’d yet to explore, and opened a door. The inside was about as comfortable and inviting as I could’ve ever imagined. Cozy, almost, and utterly unexpected. I felt like I’d just walked into an English cottage with a stone fireplace and a door that led to what looked like a separate bedroom.
“This will be yours until you’re ready to move somewhere else. Dice should’ve given you these rooms, but as Connor mentioned, Dice likes keeping this available if he has company and he doesn’t want to bring them to his place.”
I nodded, and then he was gone, as if he sensed my desperate need to be alone, or feared what he’d have to deal with if he stayed.
I walked into the bedroom, shut that door, and flopped down onto my belly. I buried my face in a pillow so no one would hear me crying, mourning a life I no longer had and the people who would forget me soon.
Chapter Eleven
