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There was something more in the way that she asked. Right then, right then and there I should have told her the truth about Caroline. About all of it. It was a lot for her to take. It would be a lot for anybody to take, but I knew that I had to come clean. She wasn't going to be okay with not knowing and me just never saying anything. She could already tell that I was keeping something from her. How could we ever be together if she didn't know about the little girl that I called my daughter? It seemed like I was the one that was being ridiculous.
I had that moment of clarity, where I wanted to say something, but then another part of me was convinced that it wasn't even an option. The only way forward was to just get through it and tell her the truth. So why was it so damn hard to come out with it then? Maybe I was just afraid that she would leave again. Was that it?
“I don't have an excuse. I just got behind and when people give you their money to invest, they want to know what's going on. They want to get ahold of you, they want to go to meetings where you tell them how you're going to make them rich. I haven't been doing that because I was occupied with you. I guess I just have to get my face back out there, to assure them that I haven't run off with their money.”
She looked away for a moment, and I knew that it was because I was trying to make it seem like she was crazy. Obviously, there was no reason for her to be upset. I was just working after all. While it was the truth, it wasn’t the whole truth and I felt properly guilty about it.
The very fact that I made her feel that way, actually made me feel bad. As much as I wanted to tell her the truth, apparently, I wasn't ready for it. Instead, I was ready to make her feel guilty, like it was her fault.
“Sorry, I guess I'm just not used to a guy disappearing like that. Everything was going so good, and then you were just gone.”
I showed her that it wasn't because I wanted to be gone. I would have much rather been with her, and I started to kiss her, hoping that she would remember the way we felt when we touched physically and forget about this bump in the road.
Before long we were on top of all the clothing swaths and not worried about anything else. I wanted to believe that whatever was going on between us would be fixed. I was eventually going to tell her about Caroline. I was just looking for the right time. This was obviously not the right time. Or I was obviously still being a coward about it.
“Do you really have to go?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“I miss you staying over. I miss waking up in your arms.”
I told her that I might be able to stay over later in the week, but I couldn't make any promises. She didn't like that answer, but since there was no other one to give her, I couldn’t say any more. That was all I could offer at this time.
I was putting my shirt on when I noticed the blue smudge on my sleeve and she did as well.
“What in the world did you get on your shirt? Do you want me to try to get it out before you go? I might have some club soda around here.”
I told her that it wasn’t a big deal. I knew that I was just going to throw the shirt away when I got home, but I liked how she wanted to take care of me. I wanted to take care of her.
“It is just a little ice cream. And Blue Moon. It's good, but it has so much food coloring in it, I don't think you would be able to get it out. I'll just get another one, no big deal.”
She smiled in response, but there was something now missing in her eyes. Some suspicion was back, and I didn't know how or where it came from. Maybe I was just seeing it wrong. Maybe I was just feeling guilty and I was projecting it out to her. That's what it was…
Amber stood up and let the sheet fall to the ground. I was stuck staring at her, almost biting my tongue, and she just smiled my way. What could I say to that? She was trying to tease me, and she was certainly doing a good job of it. I thought that I might bit my tongue off.
“Are you sure you have to go? If you stayed, I am sure that we would be able to work something out. If you just give it a chance.”
“Yeah, sure. If I could stay, trust me, I would. As fine as you're looking tonight, I definitely don’t want to leave you.”
“Then don't.”
She said it so simply and it certainly did sound like the easiest way to fix the situation.
“I'm sorry, Amber, but I have to go. Trust me, if I didn’t have to, I would slide right back in bed with you and right back inside of you.”
I gave her a kiss and it felt like she was holding on to me just a little bit stronger. I was never going to see her again. I don't know why that thought ran through my head, but it's all I could think about.
When I was leaving, there was another moment that I told myself I should turn back around and tell her about Caroline. Just tell her the truth. I was going home because I had a child there, and I needed to be there when she woke up. How hard would it be? All I had to do was just say it, just say the words.
For all the bluster, though, it was a lot harder to do than it sounded. I stood there with my hand on the door, ready to leave and out of sight already. All I had to do was go over there and tell her. Just tell her the truth and then see what happened. It's not like I could change anything, anyway. What was already going to be, would be.
I couldn't get myself to do it, though. As much as I told myself how easy it would be and how I just needed to do it, I couldn't bring myself to do it.
There was still just this huge part of me that was so afraid she was going to walk away. I had spent a week with her, which felt like a lifetime, and now I never wanted it to end. I was already messing it up because I wasn't telling the truth, but maybe it was better than nothing at all. Really, what were my choices?
On the way home I tried to play the scenario out in my head, me telling her about Caroline and why I had a daughter that I didn't tell her about. Every time I played out the scenario, though, it ended with her never talking to me again. Maybe I was just overreacting and she would be completely fine with it, but what if I was wrong?
By the end of the mental experiment, my answer was quite clear. Keep my mouth shut as long as possible.
