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“But,” Dad said, continuing, “he’s not doing it to punish you, he’s protecting himself. Men and women are both victims of cheating, but their reactions can be quite different.”
“Do you think my actions were inappropriate?” I asked, “please tell me the brutal truth Dad, I won’t be offended.”
He shook his head. “Your actions weren’t flirtatious or meant to hurt Alex. You socialized with friends as you normally would, feeling secure in your new relationship with Alex. But you do need to help him rebuild his trust if you want to be with him.”
“How? I told him I am a one-man woman, that he was the only one, and he’s already met my friends,” I said. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket again, but Dad and Mom were very anti-phones when in company. I knew it probably was The Russian – his game was on at one o’clock and it was now nearing eleven-thirty.
“Alex is probably very confident in areas he can control ... you’re not one of them,” Dad said. “So now that he is falling in love with you, it’s opened his wounds, he’s feeling very vulnerable.”
“We both are,” I said, agreeing.
“Before we discuss steps to help the situation, there’s a few things, darling, you need to be aware of for your personal wellbeing,” Dad said. “You can give him the ‘I won’t cheat on you like your ex did’ speech, and probably have already?”
“I have,” I said.
“Yes, well, it will take actions not words to convince him, and seeing those photos of you with other guys, as innocent as they were, has just triggered all his concerns. He’s not only been cheated on, but cheated on very publicly, and had to try and look stoic. Each time she’s returned to him, he’s forgiven her or accepted her excuses, and meanwhile his own self-worth has suffered.” Dad stopped to sip his lemonade.
“He’s such a dynamic and confident guy though in every other aspect of his life. It’s completely out of character, he doesn’t act like he’s affected,” I said. “I guess she’s really worked him over.”
Dad listened and thought some more. He continued. “Be careful then, Carla ... you can’t be explaining your actions – you shouldn’t have to explain why you didn’t text him back immediately or why you didn’t answer his call straight away, or who that man was you smiled at; that’s not healthy either. You’ve said that you’ve fallen for each other very quickly; well, that speed isn’t helping, because he’s got nothing to hold on to ... no build up, no history with you. Suddenly he’s in deep and you might cheat on him or leave him.”
“Will we survive this?” I asked.
“Of course,” he said. “Will he seek counseling?”
“I doubt it very much,” I said, thinking of my lion. “He’s very alpha.”
“Hmm,” Dad said. “You may have to show more transparency than you normally would in a relationship, just until you are secure together – you know, tell him where you went and who was there, and make sure he knows those people. Give him a sign ... something that’s uniquely his.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, putting my glass down and leaning back into my parents’ old leather couch.
“Tell him that when you put your hand on your heart, you are thinking of him. So in those photos he saw, or if you are doing an interview, a quick placing of your hand on your heart will be a signal you are thinking of him in that situation. He’ll be looking for it, it will make him feel more secure and safe.”
“That’s cute,” I said, smiling.
“I’m full of cute ideas,” Dad agreed, and grinned.
“Tell Alex you deserve to start with a full bank account of trust and that it can overflow, it can be added to. So every time he feels safe or loved he tops it up. When he’s feeling insecure, he has to think of how much is in the account already. Is there enough there for him to draw on?”
I nodded. “Yeah, that’s good too. Makes him stop and think of his actions.”
“Exactly.”
“But most importantly, and I’ve learned this lesson the hard way, and so have many of my counseling clients ... the time he invests worrying about losing you and whether you are cheating on him is driving you away, and he will lose you. So he must try and be in the now. Every time you or Alex get worked up, stop and breathe. Invite him to talk about it, remind him regularly of all the great things he is to you. We must all remember to do that,” he said, with a glance to Mom in the kitchen.
“Thanks Dad. You can say no ... but if I talked him into speaking with you about this, instead of a psychologist, would you talk with him?” I asked.
“Of course, darling. But be warned, I’ll be asking him his intentions for my daughter as well,” he said.
I rolled my eyes and Dad laughed.
“Come on, let’s not keep your mother waiting.” We rose and I linked my arm through his. I had some work to do with The Russian. I was prepared to do it – I wondered if he was. However, I had my limits ... I won’t be called a tart or accused of fucking around when I didn’t do that. I was drawing the line right there. We entered the kitchen and Mom announced lunch would be ready in ten minutes.
“I’m going to go and call Alex and wish him luck for the game,” I said, and excused myself. I felt more secure in my own head now that I hadn’t done anything wrong – I just hoped he’d cooled down and thought about his actions too. I walked outside into the church grounds and checked the time – he was probably on the team bus on the way to the stadium now ... may be best just to text him.
I decided to check his messages first. I took the silencer off my phone and saw he had called three more times last night and three times since six a.m this morning. He’d left two messages in my phone message bank and both of those had been left earlier today ... that was probably a good thing. I was glad he hadn’t vented last night; I wondered if he’d learned from experience not to do that.
I put the phone to my ear and listened to the first message that he had left about six a.m.
