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There’s a long pause.
I might as well just say it. “But I don’t want you to see anyone else.”
Her lips curve up. She’s fucking beautiful when she smiles.
“I won’t if you don’t,” she says.
“Don’t be smug,” I scold. “It’s not an attractive quality.”
She laughs and kisses me. “Come on. Let’s go and have some breakfast before you fade away.”
*
We meet Jamie and Emma in the restaurant, and Jamie and I have a full cooked breakfast while the girls have cereal and fruit.
I’m pleased that Emma and Sidnie seem to get along so well. Emma has been really good for Jamie, and I can see he also likes the four of us spending time together.
We take our time eating, chatting about movies and music and books, and it’s with some reluctance that we finally agree to retrieve our bags and check out. Gus has been snoozing in our room, but he perks up when we return. We take him and our bags out to the car, and Jamie drives us to the airport.
Soon we’re on the plane returning to Auckland. Sidnie is fairly quiet, lost in thought as she looks out of the window. I’m sure she’s thinking about her father. It’s going to be a difficult few days for her. I feel a twinge of disappointment that I’m not going to be around much to help her through it. It surprises me. I’m not family, and I’m not her husband, or partner, or boyfriend. Am I? I don’t think two dates counts as going steady. And yet I told her I didn’t want her to see anyone else.
I didn’t think I wanted a relationship. And yet now, the thought of not being with her makes me feel bereft.
I’m so shit at all this. How do people negotiate these treacherous waters every day? How do they balance their relationships and careers? I know most people don’t work quite as many hours as me, but some must do. How do they make it work?
Maybe they don’t. The divorce rate is one in three, when it comes to it.
I think about my mother, the memories floating through my brain like rain clouds over a beautiful summer sky. Freud would have a lot to say about her influence on the way I am. But I can’t blame everything on her. I’ve been gone a long time, and at some point you have to take responsibility for the way you live your life.
Is it a good enough reason not to enter into a relationship because you’re worried it won’t be successful? I’m many things, but I like to think I’m not a coward.
Sidnie told me,I’m saying I could easily fall for you, if I haven’t already. And I know coming up there, spending time with you would be amazing, but it would make it so much harder to walk away. She understands. I told her then,What if I don’t want you to?At the time, all I knew was that I wanted to be with her, and that hasn’t changed.
We all have to grow up sometime. Kai’s words have really stuck with me.
“Are you doing Chinese algebra in your head?” Sidnie asks.
I look around to discover them all watching me, smiling.
“Why Chinese algebra?” I ask. “Is that harder than ordinary algebra?”
“All algebra is like Chinese to me,” she says. “It must be amazing to have your brain.”
“It must be amazing to have your boobs. Sorry, did I say that out loud?”
She and Emma giggle, and Jamie grins. I put my arm around Sidnie and kiss her temple. Stop worrying, I scold myself. You’re not your mother. And neither is Sidnie. Just take it a day at a time.
*
We take Sidnie home, and after she’s given Gus a hundred kisses goodbye, I walk her up the path to her front door.
“Thank you for such a lovely time,” she says. “Especially for all the hot sex.”
I chuckle. “You’re welcome. Good luck tomorrow. I hope the treatment goes well.”
“Thanks.” She blows out a breath. “I’m nervous, but it’s a good thing. It means hopefully he can start getting better afterward.”
I take her hands in mine. “If I don’t call,” I tell her, “it’s because I’m knee-deep in reports, and no other reason.”
