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We both know, though, that it’s not the same as being able to call in for coffee.
“What about Huxley?” Pen asks. “Have you told him?”
I suck my bottom lip. “No. And it’s a bit more complicated now.”
“Oh shit, of course, you went away didn’t you?” Her eyes sparkle. “How did it go?”
I hesitate, meet her eyes, and then we both start to laugh. “It was amazing,” I admit. “But I came back to the news about England, and now I don’t know what to do.”
“So… you could be pregnant?”
I bite my lip and nod. Telling her about my plans to get pregnant was a difficult conversation, because even though we’re close, her infertility makes it a delicate issue. But when I told her, she hugged me and said she understood. She’s been nothing but supportive, and now her face breaks into a big smile.
“Are you going to tell him about England?” she asks.
“I have to.” I know Mack or Titus will tell him even if I don’t.
“What will you do if you’re pregnant?”
“I don’t know. It’s turned out to be a terrible mess, and it’s all my fault.” Whatever I said to Mack, I know I’m to blame for the state of affairs. I should have said no when Huxley said he wanted one night with me. I’m not stupid. I wanted him, and I wasn’t strong enough to say no.
We sit quietly for a while. I’ve opened the window that overlooks the harbor, and the late summer breeze drifts through, bringing with it the faint scent of the ocean.
“How serious do you think he is about you?” she asks eventually.
“He jumped off the Sky Tower for me. I guess that’s pretty serious. I’m still not sure whether he just did it because he wanted to have sex with me. Mack says it’s more than that, but I’m not sure. I think I’m a distant moon he hasn’t yet discovered, you know?”
“I bet he really enjoyed planting his flag, though.”
That makes me laugh. Then my smile fades. “I knew the sex was going to be great. But I don’t know what happens now. I guess the first thing I need to do is wait and see if I get pregnant.”
Her brow furrows. “Even if you don’t, the fact that you knowingly slept together to make a baby changes something between you. It’s intimate and wondrous and magical. It connects you, and it binds you together in a way that can’t be undone.”
I look at my latte, feeling a complex mix of emotions. “I wish he’d agreed to be a donor. That’s all I wanted. I didn’t want this. And now… There are bigger things at stake. This is hugely important research, and there’s a lot of money involved. I feel like I have a responsibility to see it through. And I want to. It’s important to me.”
“Elizabeth,” she says softly, “you know you don’t have to do it for me, don’t you?” I just look at her, and she reaches out and cups my face. “You’re so sweet,” she murmurs. “But you mustn’t sacrifice your own happiness for me.”
“I know what you’re saying, and I do want to do this for you. But it’s not just about me and you. I want to make a difference, Pen. It’s my chance to do something big, you know? It could change so many lives. Every woman should be able to bear a child if she wants one. I have this opportunity to help all those women who’ve struggled with infertility. And if I turn my back on that, what kind of person does it make me?”
She gives me a pained look. “But you can’t put it before your own happiness.”
I don’t say anything, because that’s exactly what I’m planning to do. “I’m seeing Huxley at eight,” I say. “I guess we’ll talk about it then, and maybe things will become clearer.”
“All right. Will you call or text and let me know how it goes?”
“Yeah, of course.”
She changes the subject then, talking about Mum’s birthday and asking what present she thinks we should get, and then shortly after that she says she’d better get going. Nymph and I see her to the door, where we have a hug, and then she heads off, promising to let me know what Paul thinks about the idea of going on vacation for a while.
I close the door behind her, and go and sit on the sofa. Nymph jumps up beside me, and I bury my hand in her fur.
What’s Huxley going to say? Will he understand my predicament? Or will he think I’m being deliberately obstructive? I remember his reply when I asked him why he didn’t marry Brandy all those years ago:Because I wanted you. How much truth is in that statement? Was he just saying what he thought I wanted to hear? I can’t believe that somehow, because one thing he’s not is insincere.
But in the end, it doesn’t matter what our feelings are for each other. I have this wonderful opportunity to help people. How can I face myself in the mirror if I choose my own happiness over that?
Chapter Sixteen
Huxley
