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I was silent for a moment before I finally answered truthfully, “I used to thrive on it, but I’m not so sure I always do anymore. I think I’m a little burned out. This particular story was heartbreaking. What those children had been through just getting to Bajo Chiquito was horrific. Some of them had lost their parents or siblings during the crossing, and some of the females were sexually assaulted. And they were just kids, Torie.”
She took my hand. “You mostly cover humanitarian crises, Vanna. Anyone would be burned out from a decade of making those kinds of stories their life’s work with nothing else pleasant in between.”
I nodded because I knew Torie understood. “There’s no joy in my life anymore, Torie. Right before I left for Panama, I tried to remember the last time I’d done something fun and failed miserably. I know I’m doing something important by telling these stories, but my job has also eaten part of my soul because every one of those stories is about human misery. Living out of a suitcase all the time gets exhausting, too.”
At one time, that travel and thirst for a story had motivated me.
Lately, I was beginning to dread starting a new assignment right after the last one was finished.
She squeezed my hand. “You don’t need anyone’s permission to rest right now, Vanna, and I’m not talking about sleeping. I know you’re tired of doing that. I know how traumatic it is to be kidnapped. Take that piece of your soul back. Make use of Chase’s pool that he never uses. Watch a marathon of movies in his theater room. Take a glass of wine and watch the sunset. It really is okay to do…nothing important. You don’t have to be saving the world every moment that you’re awake. Save your sanity instead. If you don’t take a break, I guarantee that job will eat the rest of your soul. No matter how strong you are, the trauma of what happened to you will catch up with you if you don’t deal with it.”
“You know I don’t remember that much,” I said weakly, knowing she was right.
“What you do remember is bad enough,” Torie said, her expression troubled. “I also know how difficult it can be to wait a few months to make sure you’re clear of STDs, hepatitis, and HIV.”
“But they don’t think—”
“Don’t bullshit me, Vanna. We’ve been like sisters for way too long. You’re thinking about that, no matter what the doctors said.”
I nodded. “I can’t help it. Even though I know the chances are small that I was sexually assaulted, there’s also the needle situation because I was drugged so much. I know that seems crazy—”
“It doesn’t,” Torie assured me. “It’s normal after what happened. I know you remember me whining about it.”
I did, but her situation had been different. She’d known that she had been raped more than once.
She’d also been much worse off than me with her physical injuries.
It had taken her a long time to heal both emotionally and physically.
“Your injuries were so horrible,” I said in a tone full of remorse for all that Torie had suffered.
“That doesn’t make what happened to you any less frightening or horrible. It also doesn’t mean you don’t need time to heal,” she scolded. “I recognize post-traumatic stress when I see it, and you nearly jump out of your skin every time I enter a room behind you.”
I closed my eyes and released a breath. I should have known that Torie would notice anything that was different about my behavior. It wasn’t that I didn’twantto share with her. She was my best friend. I just didn’t want my experience to trigger memories of her own kidnapping.
She was so happy now.
I wanted her to stay that way.
“I was attacked from behind,” I admitted as I opened my eyes again. “My therapist said it will take a while for those knee-jerk reactions to go away.”
“Please don’t be afraid to talk to me, Vanna,” Torie said softly. “It took a long time, but I’m finally over my own experience. Helping you, listening to you isn’t going to cause me to have flashbacks. You were there for me. I want to be here for you. Everyone processes trauma differently, but for women especially, a lot of our experiences are the same. I jumped at every little sound I didn’t recognize, or every male voice that didn’t belong to my brothers. Has everything been okay here with Chase? I know you’ve known him forever, but staying with him could be a little different.”
I knew she was asking if the fact that I was staying with a man actually bothered me.
I shook my head. “He’s been amazing, Torie. I don’t think I could ever be afraid of him. Recognizing his voice in the darkness when he rescued me was the best thing I’d ever heard. I just feel more than a little guilty that I’m taking up space in his house. We were never exactly…friends. We were more like…friendly adversaries who loved to debate everything.”
“And now?” she asked quietly.
“He’s very generously offered his friendship and more,” I said honestly. “It took a while for me to realize what a big commitment it was for him to offer himself up as my advisor.”
“Oh, it is huge,” Torie said with a sly smile. “Jax Montgomery was Harlow’s advisor, and look wheretheyare now.”
I snorted. “They’re married. That is definitelynotgoing to happen. But being a Last Hope advisor is a responsibility that not every person would want to take on. Either that, or your brother takes the job very seriously. He makes sure I’m okay, no matter what I’m doing. He checks in with me emotionally about a gazillion times a day right now. You know me. I’m not exactly used to something like that, but I have to admit that it’s comforting. And he worries about every single injury I have. He arranged for me to haveeverythingI needed here. He even made sure that I got my suitcases and other things from my producer. He’s even slugged through my storage space. The man cooks like a professional chef just so he can tempt me to eat. All that, and in his spare time, he runs one of the most profitable corporations on the planet and volunteers his time to a private rescue organization. He’s disgustingly perfect.”
Torie lifted a brow. “He’s my brother, so Iknowhe isn’t a saint. He can be a bossy pest when he wants to be. So can Wyatt for that matter.”
I laughed. “I know that side of him a little, but you know it a lot better since you’re his little sister.”
