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“She’s not.” Jasper said bluntly, his stomach knotting. “It’s not about what I want—it’s all about what she needs.”
Liam tapped his hand on the bar. “Alrighty then. Give me a few minutes.” He headed off down the bar, pausing by Anarchy for a quick word before continuing to his waiting customers.
The submissive hadn’t moved, despite him being only feet away. She made no move to come toward him, just stood where she was with those damned eyes of hers fixated on him, ready to hurry forward if he made the slightest gesture.
Jasper turned around, leaning his back against the bar and studying the room, well aware her gaze remained on him. Ignoring the silent hum between them, he sought out the one man he had in mind for Anarchy. A man he loved like a brother, trusted down to his soul. A fierce Dominant, one with a strong hand, but whose kindness knew no bounds.
Anarchy needed those things. She needed to be guided and nurtured by someone who could return her devotion.
A sadist was no good for her. He was no good for her. The bastard son of a man who’d impregnated more than a dozen women in the name of science, so his bitch of a wife could raise the babies as an experiment. Training and studying them like lab rats.
That was where he came from. Sadism was ingrained into him through years of rigorous and extensive lessons. Years of learning from the hands of his father how to use pain as a weapon, how to wield it so effectively Jasper could bring grown men to their knees in tears.
He fought a constant battle between nature and nurture. Had taught himself, once he was free of the people who’d turned his early years into a war between who he was and what they wanted him to be, how to temper cruelty with benevolence and turn pain into pleasure.
Jasper shook off the memories of his past and focused on the giant of a man sitting with Braun and Bodie in the seating pit. Loki and Connie were with them, the Mistress’s head thrown back as she let rip with her deep, husky laugh.
His friends knew nothing of his past, his secrets. They didn’t know the same people who created the monster inside him were the reason why Bodie still had her feet. Wanting to be something more, someone better, Jasper had spent his twenties redesigning himself. Trying his hardest to eradicate the flaws within himself.
He’d taken courses in emergency medicine, had tried to become a healer rather than a harmer. He’d discovered being an EMT wasn’t meant to be after six months on a rig, dealing with injuries more horrific than even the likes of him knew how to create. Car wrecks, attempted suicides gone wrong, fires, and simple carelessness…they’d all worn him down, chewed him up and spit him out.
Without friends, without the strong network of support he had now, he’d burned out quickly and completely.
From there—
“If you’re sure this is what you want to do, Jasper,” Liam spoke quietly from behind him, disturbing him from his thoughts, “I’ve got two names.”
Whatever kind of man he’d tried to become, he still wasn’t good enough for Anarchy. Jasper turned back to his friend, schooling his face into calm lines. If Liam saw how much this decision cost him, he’d never hear the end of his stupidity. “It’s for the best.”
Gray eyes flicked down the bar again, back to Jasper. “I’d ask Atticus. He won’t let her focus on anything but him during a scene, and he won’t hurt her. I don’t imagine she’s going to be thrilled with this turn of events, but I doubt she’ll have a tantrum with him.”
Well, at least they were on the same page. It soothed the worry clustered in Jasper’s chest. Just out of curiosity, he asked, “Who’s the second?”
Liam lifted his shoulder in an easy shrug. “If Atticus doesn’t want to take her on, I will. Been a while since I took a sub on and Archie’s a sweetheart. I don’t mind playing with her, giving her something else to focus on for a while until we find her the right Dom.”
Stunned, Jasper blinked. While Liam was happy to play with both male and female subs, his preference leaned a little more toward men. For him to offer to take Anarchy on was friendship at its finest, a gesture Jasper truly appreciated. “I—thank you, Liam.”
“Don’t get all mushy on me. Check with Atticus first; I’m just the back-up plan.”
“Appreciate the offer. I’ll go talk to him now.”
Liam leaned over the bar. “Before you pull the Ice King routine on her, Jasper, remember what it’s like to be so into someone, they become your world. She adores you.”
Jasper didn’t want to be anyone’s world for longer than it took to send them flying into subspace and bringing them back home with aftercare. Once the aftercare was done, so was he. He just didn’t have it in him to do any more than that right now, even if it meant his life and his bed were pitifully empty. “That’s why this has to happen, Liam. I don’t want to hurt her. If she keeps hanging around me and I cave, she’ll know what pain is. This…this is a blessing, trust me.”
“If you say so. I still think you should give her a chance before you blow her off, but…” He offered Jasper a shrug. “Not my fuck-up to deal with when she’s off giving her everything to another Dom and you realize what you gave away of your own free will.”
He was already regretting it; he didn’t need another kick in the gut. “Make sure she drinks something, would you?” Without waiting to hear how badly he was fucking things up, Jasper walked away, managing not to glance at Anarchy as he strode over to the pit.
His temper spiked as he crouched behind Atticus, leaning down to mutter curtly, “Atticus. A word if you don’t mind.”
*
Something bad was about to happen, she could feel it in her bones.
Shifting her weight lightly from foot to foot, fighting not to break position, Anarchy bit her lip. Jasper was making a point of avoiding her tonight, which hurt. But the way he conferred with Liam in secret and the looks Liam kept giving her—as though he pitied her—made her stomach twist sickly.
Her feet were numb, the sensation creeping up her legs. Jasper had never made her wait this long before. She tried not to turn her head to follow his route across the social area of Avalon, but her eyes didn’t let him out of her sight.
