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“I’m not scared.” Her eyes widen. “Itismy fault.” She jabs a finger against her chest. “Mine. No one else’s. Brett was out looking for me. He was run over because of me. Dad had a heart attack because it all got too much.”
“No.”
“Yes!”
“Brett was looking for you because Gareth was a shit to you. He got hit because some driver was speeding and not paying attention, too wrapped up in his own life to care about anyone else. Your dad had a heart attack because life is just fucking unfair. Not because of you!” I drop my head into both hands and pull at my hair, relishing the sting as I pull the roots. If only I could tear the idea out of her head that she is to blame. Tear it out as easily as I could the roots from my head if I only pulled hard enough.
“No,” she whispers.
“Yes.” I drop my hands and spin my head in a rush, pinning her with a wild gaze. “Yes,” I say again, my voice forceful and loud. “You watch horror movies because it’s easier to see it. To detach yourself from it, instead of having to look at yourself. Use the fucking mirror I sent you, Rose.” I suck in an angry breath, my chest shaking with the effort to rein in my anger.
But it’s not anger aimed at her. It’s anger aimed at everything. The way she blames herself. The tightening in my chest that renders me almost breathless when there’s hurt in her eyes… in her voice. The way I left Jasmin alone for two and a half years. The way I’m supposed to be a free man, yet my life feels less like my own than when I was locked up. The way I can’t touch her. Not in the way I want to. Because she doesn’t deserve to be dragged into my shit. And it’s anger for the way her eyes linger on me sometimes. It’s anger for the way my heart somersaults when they do. The way it screams out for me to touch her. To see just what those lingering looks mean. See just how far she would let me take it.
But I can’t give her what she deserves.
I shouldn’t be losing myself like this. I should be talking to her. Trying to stay calm. But I know her well enough now to know that will never work. She will never listen. Not until she’s ready. If I want her to move on, then I must give her time.
“What good is looking in a mirror going to do me?” Rose moves forward so she is kneeling next to me, staring at me, searching my face for answers. She’s so close. Close enough that my eyes shutter closed as I inhale her scent with one deep breath, clenching and unclenching my hands where they rest on my legs.
“You need to see what everyone else sees. You have to see it and believe it.”
“And what is that?” she cries. “Because all I see is a mess. Someone who ruined so much.” Her voice breaks, and she screws her eyes shut, but no tears come.
That familiar tightening wraps around my chest like a vise, and I reach forward and grab her, pulling her into my arms until we fall back onto the soft grass together, me on my back, her against my chest.
“Don’t.” Her voice is muffled as I hold her into my side. “I don’t deserve your sympathy. I don’t want it.”
The tightening is joined by a burn as she melts into me like she was always supposed to fit there.
“You think this is for you?” I press my lips to her forehead. “This is for me, Sunbeam.”
“Shut up.”
“It’s true.” I sink a hand into her hair and dip my nose into it, inhaling slowly. “It’s all for me. You think you’re fucked up? You’re the perfect person for me to hold, because you won’t see just how fucked up my life is.”
“It’s not.” Her voice softens and she wraps an arm around my waist.
“You have no idea. You have no fucking idea.”
“So tell me,” she breathes. “Tell me about you, Dax. I want to know everything.”
No, you don’t, Sunbeam. Not everything. Trust me.
My arms stiffen around her, and she looks up at me, her eyes dry and red. If laying a little of my shit out for her to see distracts her for a while, then it’ll be worth it. Anything would be worth it to not have this unbearable burning in my chest when she looks at me like this.
“Jasmin told you Mom and Dad died,” I state, because she knows this already. “After they died, our grandparents got in touch. They must have found out about us somehow. We’d never met them before. Mom told me they were dead to her.”
“Why?”
I relax a little as Rose’s face softens and she watches me, waiting for my next confession.
“Mom said they were controlling. Overbearing. Nothing she did was good enough. No one was good enough. She told me when I was older that Dad wasn’t my biological dad, only Jasmin’s. But it didn’t matter to me. He’s the only dad I needed. He was there since I was a baby. But Mom told me she had another boyfriend once. And she knew my grandparents would never approve. His family had no money. My grandparents ran the distillery. It was hugely successful. They moved in different circles. They were snobs. So Mom lied about her surname so he wouldn’t know who her parents were, and she was planning to run away with him.”
“That must have been so hard for her. To make that decision.”
I blow out a disgusted breath. “Not as hard as when he fucked off and left her pregnant and alone. Left her with a baby and no relationship with her parents. No support. No family. Nothing. She moved away, like they had planned to do together. She did it all alone. A single mom. She needed that freedom from her parents. She was stubborn. It’s where Jasmin gets it from.”
“She didn’t go back home?” Rose looks up at me, her eyes already having lost their earlier redness.
