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“I know we shouldn’t be doing this. But I also know I can’t stop now even if I wanted to.” His fingers trail down my side, over the bare skin to my hip. He splays his fingers out and holds me there. “I never knew you hated me so much.”
I’m glad it’s dark because I don’t think I’d like what I’d see in his eyes if the heaviness in his voice is any indication of how he’s feeling right now.
“You walked away while Drew got sent away. It wasn’t fair.”
“My dad didn’t buy my freedom, Mads.”
“I knew you’d say that.”
He strokes my hips, his voice firm. “He didn’t. I swear to you. I asked him myself, more than once. I didn’t understand it, either. He said maybe the police went harder on Drew because he was driving. I told them I was the one who had the idea. I told them I broke into the car and hotwired it. I tried. I swear, I tried.”
He squeezes my hip and I hold my breath. My chest is not only tight but burning too.
“I know you lost your brother. But I lost my friend.”
Hearing Logan say it out loud hits me like a sledgehammer. He suffered as well. I never allowed myself to acknowledge that before. I was too focused on my own heartache and pain to consider his. I blamed him and disregarded any feelings he might have had.
He was the cause. The enemy.
“That doesn’t make up for what you did when he was gone.” My voice sounds strong, but inside, I’m trembling with the loneliness of memories.
“I promised Drew I’d look out for you. I’d do anything for him.”
“Except get locked up with him,” I snort.
Logan’s silent. He can’t argue with history.
“You followed me home and scared off any friends I could have made.” My strength wavers and my voice cracks.
Logan’s hand stills on my hip. “They were teenage boys with one agenda.”
“You don’t know that.” I push his hand away and immediately hate myself because I miss the warmth of his skin on mine.
“I didn’t know how to be a big brother, Mads. I just promised Drew I’d keep you safe. I did what I thought I needed to.”
“You weren’t supposed to be my big brother. You weren’t supposed to replace him. You were supposed to be my friend. And if you couldn’t have done that, then you should have just left me alone.”
Logan’s darkened silhouette rolls in the bed so he’s on his back. He brings his hands to his face and scrubs it with a pained sigh. “I’m sorry. For all of it. You were always so ready to fight me. I thought you got a kick out of it. I thought it was harmless.”
“You told half the school I had crabs,” I hiss. “And that was after Drew came home. You had no right to be acting like that. Whether you thought you were protecting me in some piss-poor fake big brother way or not. You laughed about it.”
Logan lies in silence next to me as the sound of my angry breaths fill the air.
“I deserve you to hate me. It’s the least I deserve. I was young and stupid. I went about everything the wrong way. I can see that now,” he whispers finally. “But Iamsorry.”
A million emotions hurtle around my body and weigh me down. If I accept his apology, it’s like admitting that all these years, hating him have been for nothing. That it’s been nothing more than a waste of my time and energy because nothing has come from it. I have nothing to show. And that would mean he gets away with it. He gets to rid himself of any guilt he might have and leave me alone to be the only one in this.
On my own. Again.
I’ve spent years hating Logan. I don’t know how to do anything else.
A strange sound leaves my throat, and I shiver, overcome with memories that still haunt me.
“Don’t,” Logan says softly.
“Don’t what?”
“Leave.”
