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My cramping bladder insisted I’d not make it back in time.
Nearly about to piss myself, I searched the ground until I’d found a branch to prop open the door, so I’d at least have a small bit of light. “Fuck it, good enough,” I muttered, jamming the stick of dry bark into the space above one of the hinges.
Even then, with the moon light shining into it, I still stared into the dark space like it was a portal to hell. I pondered squatting by a tree instead.
“Jeez, woman, stop being such a chicken shit,” I muttered to myself. “It’s just an outhouse.”
Not giving myself the chance to scare myself out of doing this, I’d rushed in and relieved my aching bladder, all while praying to a universal deity that nothing would pop up and bite me in the ass.
The moment I was done, I shook and stood, reached into the small tub of powder and, securing a hefty scoop, I tossed the particles in the hole. “Phew, that was a close one.”
I returned the scooper then stepped out and worked to dislodge the branch. “Come on,” I growled, tugging at the errant piece of wood.
Putting all my weight behind me, I pulled as hard as I could.
It suddenly gave.
The door slammed shut.
Thwack!
Awful, awful things happened simultaneously.
Something fell from the eves of the outhouse. I managed to duck my head and stumble back, but the chirping horror whacked into me all the same. I screamed, it screamed, I tried not to fall on my ass as it flapped in my hair, but in my panic, I stepped on something squishy.
More panic. More screaming. More chirping. More flapping.
“Let go of me, you son of a bitch!” The more I tried to pull the bat off me, the more it clung. I spun in circles, collided into a bird feeder, and locked gazes with the wild-eyed raccoon perched atop of it.
That motherfucker hissed and launched itself at me!
Wailing like a banshee, I took off running, with the bat still stuck to my scalp. I looked over my shoulder to see the raccoon galloping after me. Raccoons were supposed to be cute, cuddly creatures. Why did I have to meet a monster!?
My legs pumped as I blindly fled for my life, all while batting the vicious creature scratching at my head. “Fuck this!” I grabbed the squirming bat around its small body and yanked hard, sacrificing whole locks of hair to get ahold of the furry little beast.
Spinning back to the raccoon at my heels, I stopped short and flung the flapping rodent at the ferocious animal with all my might.
*squee-squee-thump*
The bat hit the bushy-tailed nightmare right in the snout.
The malicious raccoon snatched up the flapping bat in those awful claws and bit the bat’s head off. It seemed to nod at me and smile before scurrying away.
I shuddered in disgust and nearly fell over, dizzy. My head throbbed. My arms were scratched up. I spun in a circle, trying to remember which way I had come from. I was by the property’s tree line, I knew, but I couldn’t see the house from where I was.
An owl hooted nearby causing me to startle. Suddenly, rustling in the brush had me frozen in fear. I felt like I was being watched.
I held my breath as the snorting snarls of something huge barreled through the brush at a high rate of speed. Suddenly an ear-piecing scream shook the air like a hellhound’s bellow.
The devil himself burst from the bushes.
Huge tusks, cloven hooves, and all, he charged at me.
I saw my death in its eyes.
I could not seem to get my legs to move.
A loud boom sounded, and the squealing wild boar hit the ground and slid to a stop a few feet away.
