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“Say it,” I said.
“I haven’t seen you cry.”
“I know. I can’t.” Demos’s words had kept me from falling apart in that cell. “First rule of being a prisoner. You cry, and you’re done.” Unfortunately, I seemed to have clamped down so tightly on my grief, I now couldn’t cry. Because I was relatively sure that if I allowed even the tiniest trickle of that grief free…the ensuing flood would drown me.
Lorian frowned. “I’ll allow you to refuse to think about it for a little while. But eventually, we’re going to talk about this. And you’re going to mourn.”
I shot to my feet so fast, my vision blurred. “You’ll allow?” My voice was very soft.
I was doing the best I could. I’d shoved everything that had happened to me down deep where I didn’t have to look at it, and I was able to go most of the day without permitting my thoughts to fester. I had more than enough distractions to help me suppress the memories of the look in Cavis’s eyes. The—
No.
I brought myself back to the present by sheer force of will.
Lorian was watching me closely, as if he could see into my mind. And I recognized that cool expression on his face. It was the same expression he’d worn every time he’d pushed me to be smarter, stronger, faster. Every time he’d forced me to become a better version of myself.
But this wasn’t the same. I was holding almost enough pressure on a wound so deep, just the thought of it overwhelmed me. And if I removed that pressure, I’d bleed out.
Lorian’s brow lowered, and he slowly got to his feet. “You don’t have to talk about it today. Or tomorrow. Or three months from now. You don’t even have to talk about it with me. But you won’t spend the rest of your life ignoring what has happened to you, Prisca. Because one day—likely a day you won’t get to pick—you’ll be forced to face it. All that pain you’re hiding away will be as fresh as the day you decided to turn it to rage. And right when you need to be strong the most, that pain will cripple you.”
I wanted to scream at him. But that would only prove him right about the rage part. So I waited until I was sure I could speak without my voice trembling with fury, and I met his eyes.
“I don’t need this from you right now.”
“Did you think my love for you would dull my claws?” He gave me a grim smile. “Now I know exactly what I have to lose. And I refuse to lose you.”
The fury drained. Replaced immediately by the numbness that continued to creep into my limbs, and I welcomed it.
Lorian seared me with a look I so rarely saw from him. Disappointment. “Death will come for all of us, Prisca. Do you think this is what Cavis would want? For you to let his death poison you? You think it’s better to lock it all down? To attempt to feel nothing?”
“I just need…time.”
“Then you’ll have it. But don’t take too long.”
He was letting it go. For now. My breath shuddered out of me, and his expression softened just enough that I crossed the room and leaned my head against his chest.
But we didn’t have the luxury of time. So we readied ourselves for the day and made our way outside, waiting for the stable hands to bring out our horses.
Lorian was acting strangely. We needed to leave, but he seemed to be dragging his feet. And as I watched, he waved a stable hand away and insisted on checking my mare’s hooves. Again.
He must have felt my eyes on him, because he glanced up, the slightest frown etched between his brows. Rythos muttered something about time-wasters beneath his breath.
Slamming my hands onto my hips, I gave Lorian a beady stare. “What is it?”
He glanced behind me, and his face smoothed into relief.
Someone sucked in a breath, and I turned. Telean had stepped into the stables.
My breath caught in my throat, and I felt my chest contract. My aunt just smiled at me. I let out a choked sound and darted straight for her, launching myself into her arms. We squeezed each other tightly, and when we finally let each other go, her eyes were wet.
“Never again,” she said. “Never, Nelayra.”
“Never again.”
It was a promise I might not be able to keep. Both of us knew that. But I said the words anyway.
Oneglance at Lorian told me he’d made this happen. And that he’d wanted to surprise me. He was watching us with a faint smile on his face, and my heart tumbled in my chest.
