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“It’s complicated.”
“Young people think everything is complicated. Let me tell you something. One day, you’re gonna die.”
I jolt at her words, my lips turning up into a grin at her candor.
“In that moment before, you’re dragged through those pearly gates, you’re gonna look back at your life. And what do you think you’re going to feel?”
I’ll feel a lot, some of it good. Pride for what I do and happiness for when it all works out. There is sadness, too, and, of course, regret and fear. But the overall feeling I’m left with when I look up into her pretty, knowing eyes is loneliness.
“Take it from a wise old woman: living your life for others can be utterly fulfilling. But, sugar pie, you can’t stop living for yourself either. You have to treat yourself with the same love and kindness you treat others.”
Her words strike a chord inside me. I spend a lot of time teaching little girls about knowing their worth, and yet I’m constantly undervaluing my own. Perhaps it’s a lingering effect from my childhood. Maybe that’s how I let Creed and Hawk suck me into their orbit to begin with.
I always felt like I needed to pinch myself when I was with them. Every look thrown our way had me assuming people were judging my worth and finding me lacking. What could they possibly see in someone like me? I let my insecurities pick away at my seams, so much so that when I needed the strength to confront them, I unraveled instead.
Our whole relationship had been such a whirlwind that I felt like I could barely catch my breath. As with all storms, though, when the chaos passed, everything came crashing down around us.
I haven’t looked at another man since my marriage fell apart. I needed to retreat and lick my wounds for a bit, but could my nurse be right? Does Ev like me? Like, like me, like me.
“God, I sound like a teenager.”
“What was that, dear?”
“Nothing. I was just wondering if I could wash my hair. I know I can’t do it myself, but my scalp is super itchy.”
“Don’t worry. I’ve got you.”
She chats away as she helps me off the bed and watches over me as I walk to the attached bathroom, but I tune her out as I slip back into my thoughts.
I’m willing to admit, to myself at least, that E is hot. But it’s more than his looks. He seems like a genuinely nice guy, and I’m all too aware of how unusual that is. Not that I’m a man-hater—well, not all men anyway. It’s just hard living the life I do without feeling disappointed in the opposite sex all the damn time.
My nurse starts to hum as she helps me get cleaned up, and I moan in pleasure as she washes my hair, earning a chuckle from her. She’s quiet after that, and I get the feeling she knows her words have sparked a flame inside me.
Evander and I are a no-go, that much I do know. As captivating as the man is, I don’t see us having anything more than what we have. His friendship with Hawk and Creed will always stand between us. Hell, they’re not even my exes. They’re still my husbands, even if only one of them was legally so. It doesn’t change the fact that I need to move on. Not just physically and mentally, but officially too.
It’s time I got a divorce.
Something settles in me at that thought. It’s hot and heavy and not comforting like I hoped it would be. But then nobody said clarity would bring peace—only truth. And the truth is, my marriage has been over for a long time. Not because I left, but because they didn’t come after me.
Chapter Six
Creed
I shove the last of the supplies into the back of the truck before climbing inside.
“They buy it?” Hawk asks as I close the door and strap myself in.
“No reason not to. Zig asked what I planned to do with Avery while she was here, and I told him, nothing. I said I’d been to see her and thanked her for saving me, but that’s the end of it. I got the feeling he wanted to say more, but he left it alone.”
“It helps that they’re still unsure about her. If they were all on Avery’s side, like Greg and E seem to be, then this might have been a lot harder to pull off.”
A pang of guilt eats at me, but I push it aside. I don’t like lying to Oz and Zig, but this shit with Avery trumps everything else.
“Anyway, I told him it was a flying visit just to check in and collect a few more supplies. He expects us to be radio silent except for our weekly check-ins, so as long as we don’t forget, we’ll be fine for a while. Oz did jump in, though, saying that Ev wanted a family meeting tonight. But I told him what we were dealing with was time-sensitive, so he’d have to fill us in later if they think it’s necessary.”
“Good. I’m not sure I wouldn’t knock the fucker out. And that asshole Greg, too.”
“For being nice to Avery?”
