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I wouldn’t tell him I’d never done it before. I’d just wing it. Really, how hard could it be? Well, it turned out in a car that was jerking around and in our awkward position, it was actually pretty difficult. Still, I managed to not say a word to indicateI was having trouble not losing the condom or breaking it as I rolled it onto his rather large cock.
Was it going to fit inside of me?
“Are you wet, baby?” He pressed his finger inside of me, and I gasped. His smile told me that hadn’t been the wrong thing to do. “You are. And…make those noises when I’m inside of you. I’m begging you.”
I kissed him because I didn’t know exactly what to say.Noises. Yep. I hadn’t thought about that. What if I made some he didn’t like?Fuck.I didn’t worry about these things years ago, but then again, I hadn’t known just how screwed up I was going to get.
With his condom where it needed to be, I got up on my knees. It seemed like it would be perfectly obvious what I should do, but I wasn’t exactly sure at that moment. “Help me?”
Maybe he’d think it was the car that was the problem? He nodded, which made me hope that he did. It took some squirming, and I couldn’t believe that any of that was actually very sexy-looking, but then I felt him. A second before he jerked his hips and pushed himself inside of me, he was just suddenly there. There was this moment right before we were joined when I realized we were about to be that I caught my breath and thanked the universe I got to have this moment.
And then he was inside of me. It was a strange feeling. It didn’t hurt. I caught my breath and tried to appreciate the novelty of it as my body adjusted to the uniqueness. In books and movies, women just adjusted, they orgasmed. One two three done. It was remarkable. I wasn’t at all certain what to do, and I didn’t think I was going to just come because he was inside of me, although it felt good in a way I hadn’t expected it to.
We were joined. Body to body. I liked that element of it.
“Fuck.” He cursed in my ear. “You are so tight, beautiful. Hope, I’m dying for you.”
That was a good thing, and I liked how he said it. My cheeks heated up. Before I could think of something to say, he grabbed on to my hips and moved me. I might have been on top, but he led our bodies, and thank goodness he did.
Oh yes, I liked that. Each stroke of our bodies against each other made this better and better. I let my head lean back and closed my eyes. I could feel the buildup happening inside of me. Tears came to my eyes, but I pulled them back. I didn’t need to cry just because I could feel the pleasure. It was such a strange dichotomy of emotions. The fact that I could was enough to drive it away.
He picked up the pace of our thrusts, and I bit down on my lip to stop from crying out. Max bit my neck lightly, and I gasped. Yes, I liked that.
“Another time, and you’re going to give me all your noises. As loud as you want to be.” His voice sounded huskier, and it moved through me like he’d stroked me in the midst of all of this.
Truth was I had no idea what to say. Apparently, sex talk didn’t come naturally to me, so I was just going to keep quiet and try to be present in this moment. I had this beautiful man having sex with me in the back of a car as we moved through—or sometimes didn’t move through—traffic. It was a strange, bizarre moment, and although he’d likely never know it, a perfect one for me.
“Look at me.”
I did as he said because how could I not? We held our gazes together, and as much as I couldn’t read his thoughts, I was glad he didn’t know mine.
“Fuck. I want to make you come.” He kissed my mouth, my chin, everywhere he could reach as our bodies jerked together and sweat broke out on me. He slipped his finger against me, which meant with every movement we made, it rubbed against his thumb. But he’d found my clit. I often tried to pleasuremyself that way, but I usually ended up feeling hollow. This was so much better. The pressure was just right.
“That’s it,” he whispered in my ear. “Come for me. You know you want to, and I want you to. Now. Come for me, Hope.”
I gasped, my body contracting. I didn’t know that I needed that much pressure, but it was good. The sudden assault on my senses drove the tears from my eyes that I’d held off, and I came on a gasp that accompanied a sob. He drove into me, hard, before he came.
We held each other through the shakes as I forced myself to stop crying. A million thoughts traveled through my mind. I’d make an excuse if he asked. Sure, I always cried during sex. It was just what I did.
But as he drew me to him, kissing my face, where the tears had streamed and where my lips were swollen, he didn’t ask. For long moments, we stayed just like that—kissing and not otherwise speaking about what we’d just shared.
Eventually, it seemed like I was going to have to do something. The car had sped up, and we were going to cross a bridge. At fast speeds, this seemed less…okay. I pulled off him, and he winced but winked at me. We straightened and got dressed. I tried not to stare at him. What was I supposed to do in this moment? What would a worldly, sexually-fulfilled person do at this time?
He tugged me to him. I didn’t know what he’d done with the condom, but he was dressed again, as was I.
“You okay?” He kissed me again. “Next time, it won’t be so fast. I’m just…worked up, and you are so fucking hot.”
My cheeks heated up. “Thanks.” I swallowed. Nothing he said indicated he had any clue how completely inexperienced I was with doing this consensually. That was good. I couldn’t explain in that moment why it was so important, but it was. I’d hash itout in therapy at some future date when I convinced myself to talk about things again.
He ran his finger down the slope of my nose. “You okay?”
I nodded. “Sure. How are you?”
Max slumped down in his seat. “Much better now.”
I leaned my head against his shoulder. What had just happened was significant for me. It was the first time I’d had sex since…well,since. And I didn’t want to tell him. I got to keep my secrets the same way he guarded his own.
“What are you cooking tonight?” It seemed a safe topic. “Something delicious?”
