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He nods. “Okay, well, I’m here if you ever need me.”
I get a call from Phil, confirming that the rest of the strays have been retrieved. I’m expecting instant relief, but it doesn’t come.
Instead I still feel tense. And like I’m suffocating.
Sam saw right through me, and I don’t like it. All these years, I thought I was hiding things a lot better.
“Thanks for the adventure.” Sam turns his horse out to pasture along with mine. “I need to get back to the bakery and clean up.”
I nod. Sam wakes up even earlier than me, which is saying something. Some mornings he starts baking at midnight, which means his day is over before noon.
“Hey.” He claps me on the shoulder. “I meant what I said. If you ever wanna talk… or not talk… I’m here.”
There’s a lump in my throat, and I suddenly feel queasy. Not trusting myself to talk, I just nod.
I already know I won’t be bringing up my complaints with my life. Like a good man, I’ll be stuffing my emotions deep, deep down.
No one made me take on this ranch. It’s not like my father held a gun to my head. I did it of my own volition, and complaining about it would be pointless.
Sam heads out, his truck kicking up dust in its wake. Pulling my to-do list out of my pocket, I look at the item at the very top.
New wheelbarrow.
Perfect. Going to the hardware store will give me the excuse to disappear into town for a little bit.
As I drive down the straight country roads, my thoughts drift to the reasons why I feel so suffocated in my life. It’s not just the ranch and the endless work, although that’s certainly a part of it.
No, it’s something deeper. It’s the emptiness that I feel, the sense that I’m not living up to my potential. I had dreams when I was younger, of going to college and doing something important with my life. But those dreams died a death once my dad retired and I took over.
The ranch has become my life, my identity. For a while, that alone was enough to keep me going, but now I’m not sure it is.
I can feel the weight of my responsibilities pressing down on me. The ranch needs me. My employees need me. But what do I need?
Downtown, I park in front of the music store and bar, a good several blocks away from my destination. I’m in no rush to hurry through the errand since it’s not every day I get a break from the ranch.
As I step out of the truck, I feel a warm breeze that carries with it the scent of flowers. It’s a welcome change from the dusty and dry air of the ranch. Walking down the street, I pass by the town’s main park, where children laugh and play. It’s strange to think that there’s a whole world outside of the ranch, where people have lives that don’t revolve around fixing fences and herding cattle.
I push open the door to the hardware store, and the bell jingles overhead. A young woman with long, curly hair and a friendly smile greets me from behind the counter. “Hey, Josh. How are you?”
I tip my hat at her. “Morning, Maddie. I need a new wheelbarrow.”
She leans against the counter and bats her eyes at me. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you in here.”
I nod, avoiding eye contact. It’s no secret that Maddie has a crush on me, but I’m not interested.
I’ve dated here and there through the years, but none of the women in Fort Williams have really done it for me. They’re girls with simple lives and simple hopes. Most of them are happy settling down with a small family and making the annual Fourth of July parade the highlight of their year.
I want more than that.
But where do I find someone who feels the same?
At this point, I’m accepting the fact that I might just die a lonesome bachelor.
“It’s been busy at the ranch.” I flash a quick smile, hoping Maddie will leave it at that.
But she doesn’t.
“Well, let me know if you ever need some help with all that work.” Her voice drips with suggestive undertones. “I’m always up for a good workout.”
