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“Luke…”
“I know.”
“Why?”
“Because…” He had to pause and chew on the words before they could be said out loud. Josie stayed quiet and gave him the space to speak in his own time.
“Because I was jealous,” he said finally. “I’ve always been so jealous and it was rotting inside of me. I think it started after Mom died, you know, and I felt like I could never leave the housewhile he was never in the house. I blamed him for everything. For leaving and for being successful and for being so happy all of the time. But I don’t think he’s actually been all that happy. And it’s not like I ever reached out to him to ask how he was.”
He rubbed a hand over his face. “Sawyer made a mistake. It got around town that repairs weren’t finished when they actually were and it may or may not have impacted a possible sale. Either way, I went apocalyptic and I shouldn’t have. I drove him away. How screwed up does that make me officially?” he finished with a sad smile.
“A fair bit,” Josie said with a smile of her own to take the sting out of the words. “And I’m not being funny, but Luke, maybe you need to see someone. Like a therapist, okay? I think that would be a good idea.”
He nodded. “Sandy suggested the same thing.”
“Me and Sandy are always right, so I don’t know why you’re surprised.”
Luke chuckled at that, and the night around them lightened a little bit.
Josie took a sip of her coffee. Despite being exhausted, there was no way she was going to sleep well tonight, not with her head so full and so loud.
“So…” said Luke, drawing out the word like he was preparing to poke a beehive.
“So?”
“You and my big brother, huh?”
Josie rolled her eyes. “You can’t help yourself, can you?”
“I really can’t. So how long was that—”
“Luke,” Josie said sharply, giving him a side-eyed glare. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
He swallowed whatever he was going to say, looking appropriately chastised.
“We managed without Sawyer before, and we can do it again.”
He said it with conviction, but Josie knew that it wasn’t true. Not for her, at least.
CHAPTER 16
SAWYER
Cardio on the treadmill had always been Sawyer’s favorite part of any routine set out for him, whether it was the coach or any of the sports scientists on the Falcons’ team that had set up his gym itinerary. He’d always followed it to the letter; it was hisjobto be in peak physical condition, after all. It was his job to be the strongest link possible in the chain that made up the team. But he’d always relished cardio, able to tune out and just run, feeling his muscles burn and enjoying every second of it.
Now the whole experience felt sour. Instead of losing himself in it, he was watching the numbers on the screen with impatience, counting down every step until he reached his quota and could get off the stupid machine. After spending weeks out on the ranch, using his body to build things, fix things,take careof things, running in place on a treadmill inside a sterile, concrete gym that was pumping out obnoxious music overhead… It just felt wrong.
Being stuck on the treadmill had other downsides to it. Like how there was nothing to distract him, so all he thought about wasthe ranch. More specifically, all he was thinking about was Josie and how much better this whole stupid workout would be if he knew he’d be swimming in a creek with her, teasing him about being bashful and showing him the various frogs or crickets she’d found. He tried running faster as if he could outrun his own thoughts, his own guilt and self-loathing, but then the reality of running in place on a machine without even being able to see the sky became even more obvious. If he wanted a metaphor for his current situation to come along and smack him up the back of the head, there it was.
Finally,finally, he hit his target and slowed down to a walk before jumping off the treadmill, legs still swaying a little as they got used to solid, unmoving ground again. Sawyer wiped the sweat off his face and made a beeline for the locker room. He should be doing a cooldown after working out that hard. He’d regret not doing it; his muscles would be seizing up and aching in no time. But he couldn’t bring himself to spend a second longer inside than necessary. In the locker room he had the world’s shortest shower so he could get out of there and go home to his apartment. Just another box where he couldn’t see the sky.
The last few days of being back in Houston, Sawyer had tried so hard to slip back into his regular routine. Go to training to prepare for the upcoming season and work as hard as he ever had before. But he felt empty doing it. There was no passion in him, not like he’d had before, like he was actually achieving something. He could lie to himself and wonder why his priorities had veered so suddenlyawayfrom the goal he’d been chasing his entire life, but he knew the answer, and honestly, Sawyer was kind of sick of lying to himself. He wanted to be back in Willow Ridge. He wanted to be back working on things that felt like they actually mattered, not just preparing to win a game. He wantedto be taking care of the cattle and visiting with Josie’s horses that weren’t even technically her horses. He wanted Josie.
But he’d screwed the whole thing up, so he wasn’t going to get what he wanted, was he? He couldn’t even feel sorry for himself about it because he knew it was what he deserved, getting a taste of something that might actually make him happy, properly happy, and then losing it all. He’d been sneaky, he’d been underhanded, and he’d been the typical boneheaded football player basking in his own glory instead of being a grown-up and talking it out.
Lesson learned. Thanks for the education, Universe. He wasn’t going to forget it any time soon.
Sawyer was clean, dressed and had his gym bag thrown over his shoulder, ready to stalk out of the place and breathe in some “fresh air” that smelled of car fumes and city living.
