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A moment that Lucy wasn’t a part of. She and Alexis had only had each other for so long, and now Alexis had her own family. Lucy had been pushed out.
Panic, fiery and foul, bubbled in her. Disgust rose in her throat. She had to get out of here. If she didn’t she might burst. I can’t let her know. It might cut that thin thread of a relationship she still had with her sister.
With blurry eyes, she rushed out of the room. Ryan met her, his forehead wrinkled, and his look penetrated her. Why couldn’t she hide anything from him? “We have to go,” she said tightly, reaching for her coat. “I have to go.”
“You can’t just leave,” he whispered. “It’ll hurt your sister’s feelings.” He took hold of her shoulders, stopping her frantic movements.
“If I stay I’ll hurt her more,” she responded in quiet desperation.
Alexis and Sam joined them.
Lucy kept her back to them as she gathered her and Ryan’s coat from the chair. “We have to go. Ryan’s been paged. He has a patient he needs to check on.”
“Can’t you stay, Lucy?” Alexis said. The disappointment in her voice grabbed at Lucy’s heart.
“I have to go with him. We’re part of a special program. We have to see all the patients at the same time. Co-ordinated patient care.” She needed to slow down. Her words were running together.
“Surely you don’t have to make every visit,” Alexis insisted. “We haven’t really gotten to talk. I wanted us to have a real visit.”
“This is a patient in the ER.” Lucy slid her arm inside the sleeve of her coat as Ryan held it. She glanced at Alexis and came undone. The disappointment in her sister’s eyes made her heart clench. She was hurting Alexis, and she couldn’t stop herself. Her feelings were a huge monster rising up to consume her.
“Oh, well, I guess I understand.” Alexis didn’t sound as if she did. “We’ll see you tomorrow, won’t we?”
Ryan shrugged into his jacket and joined Lucy at the door. She looked at him and the worry in his eyes said he was only going along with her lies in order not to upset her sister further. The thin line of his lips said clearly he wasn’t pleased.
As Lucy opened the door she said, “I’ll have to see how it goes at work. I’ll give you a call.” She reached out and managed to give Alexis as brief and soothing a hug as she could manage.
Ryan waited until they were out of the apartment and in the dim light of the street before he asked, “Lucy, what happened?”
“I just couldn’t stay there any longer.”
She started down the street at a quick pace. Even with his long strides he had to work to keep up with her. “Come on, Lucy. Talk to me. I thought you were doing great.”
Releasing a huff of indignation loud enough to draw the attention of others passing by, she said, “No, I wasn’t. That…” she waved a hand in the direction they’d come from “…was my sister. She defended me. Took care of me. Supported and encouraged me all our lives. And me, I can’t even be happy for her.” The last few words came out almost as a sob.
Ryan grabbed her arm, stopping her in the middle of the sidewalk. “Lucy, listen.”
She jerked her arm away and continued walking. “I don’t want to talk about it any more.”
He followed a few steps behind her, letting her work off her anger and frustration. When she’d cooled down he’d hail them a cab. Three blocks later she paused at the cross streets. She looked up at the buildings as if searching for a landmark, then at the street signs, before her head went down and her shoulders slumped. She had no idea which direction to turn. His heart broke for her. She was lost, both emotionally and physically.
The innate need to protect and support this proud woman who gave to and cared for others so wholeheartedly welled up in him. She’d given her sister the supreme gift of a child but couldn’t see that because of the all-consuming dislike she felt for herself for desiring the same things out of life. Being around her had forced him to open up emotionally again. In that way, she’d even given him a gift.
He needed her. He didn’t know how it had happened but it had.
Catching up to her, he pulled her securely against him and wrapped his arms around her. She didn’t struggle. He held her a minute then raised a hand to get the attention of a passing cab driver. She said nothing as they waited for the yellow car to pull to the curb. “Come on, honey. It’s time to go home.”
Lucy used a determined voice to correct Ryan when he gave his address to the cab driver. “No, I want to go home.” She told the driver her street. He looked at Ryan for confirmation. Ryan nodded.
She allowed him to hold her close, appreciating his strength. How could he possibly stand to be around someone who resented her own sister’s happiness? She didn’t like herself and she couldn’t comprehend how he could either. Ryan was far too fine a man to have anything to do with a person who didn’t have the capacity to love unconditionally.
The drive to her apartment was too short because she didn’t want to lose the feel of being in Ryan’s arms but too long because all she wanted to do was crawl into bed, curl up in a ball and pretend she didn’t exist. As the driver pulled onto her street she said, “Ryan, keep the cab. I’ll be fine going up myself.”
“I’m coming with you.” The tic in his jaw and the tone of his voice said he wouldn’t be dismissed that easily.
Their feet made clomping noises as they climbed the worn wooden stairs to her floor. Ryan’s hand rested at the slope of her back. She was exhausted in mind, body and particularly spirit. When she was unsuccessful at putting her key into the door lock the second time, Ryan took it from her and opened the door. He followed her in and closed the door behind him.
She went to her bed and sank down on it. He came toward her and she looked up. Why didn’t he go home? “I’d like to be alone.”
“Lucy…” He sounded so unsure. “Don’t push me away. I want to help. But I don’t know how.”
“You did what you could by being there with me tonight. There’s nothing more you can do.”
“But you’ve got to work this through. Go back and talk to your sister. If not now, call her in the morning.”
“I can’t.”
Ryan paced to the window and back. “No, that’s not true. It’s that you won’t.” He sounded disgusted.
She jumped up, faced him. “How can you say that? I did what you wanted. I went to see Alexis. Did you see what happened? I couldn’t handle it.”
Ryan’s look didn’t waver as he leaned toward her. “No, I didn’t see that. What I saw was you trying despite your fear. You made the effort. You care about your sister. Emily. Even Sam. Everyone. And they care about you. You may not see it but I do. In fact, you wouldn’t be this upset if you didn’t care.”
“I can’t tell her how I feel. She wouldn’t understand. How can I explain what I don’t understand?” She buried her face in her hands. “I’m just too ashamed.”
He let out an exasperated breath. “Doing brain surgery is easier than getting through to you.”
She glared at him. “You making a joke isn’t going to make this one go away, Ryan. You can’t make this all better for me. I’ve decided to stay out of my sister’s life. It’s for the best.”
“This isn’t the real you. Where’s that woman who told me off and made it clear I wasn’t her date at a party? The one so intriguing to me that I couldn’t stay away from her? The one who made me want to get involved no matter how hard I tried not to? The one willing to fight for her patients?”
She sat on the edge of the bed again and looked up at him. “I don’t know. Maybe she never really existed. I’m such a phony anyway. I tell families all the time what they need to do or how to act, and I can’t even get my own life straight. I’m a mess.
“Ryan, you’re a good guy. You cared for your father, your sisters and now I come along and you’re stepping in to support me. I can’t do that to you. I think I just need time alone to figure out my life. I don’t want to ruin yours.”
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Ryan stepped back as if she had slapped him, hard. “Lucy, you’re wrong. Way wrong. I swore never to carry the emotional needs of others ever again after my father died. I promised myself I’d never completely open up to my patients or anyone else again and then you came along. I want to be here for you. You’re making a choice to be miserable. Your sister loves you. I care for you, and you won’t accept either.”
She raised her chin “You think Alexis is going to love me after I tell her how I feel?”
“I do. She showed how much she cares just by coming all this way to see you. I saw it when her eyes lit up when she opened the door. She’s concerned for how you are doing. That’s a plus in your life. Don’t throw it away. Sometimes we just have to do some hard things because we love someone. Some really difficult things. Talk to her. Work through this.”
“That’s right, Mr. Bottle-Up-All-Your-Feelings wants me to bare my soul to my sister and hurt her more.”
Ryan stalked toward her stepping into her personal space. “What do you want me to bare? That my father was the strongest man I’ve ever known and that I watched him slowly disappear? That I sat by his bed every minute I wasn’t at school or working? That I saw fear in his eyes that I knew had to match mine? That I became responsible for my sisters during the worst time in our lives? Is that what you want me to share? Is that enough sharing for you? Enough to let you know I care deeply? That I do care about you?”
“Ryan, I just can’t do this now. I don’t know what to think.”
Shaking his head, he looked at her. “You’re a bright, sensitive, caring person, Lucy. Don’t push Alexis away. And don’t push me away.”
