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“I don’t want there to be…behind. Everybody knows now.” He rubs his forehead, panting just a little between his words. “The elders will either…fire me…or not.”
His eyes are wide in his face. Shit, he’s weak. I should help him back to bed.
“You know why…I’m not…more upset?”
I shake my head.
I fold my hand over his pec. “Get a breath, Luke.”
His jaw tightens. “You…still love me. I could tell.” A tremor racks his shoulders. He gulps down a breath. Then looks back at me. “From…the video.”29LukeI remember being wheeled down a long hallway in a bed. I knew he should be there with me, but he wasn’t. I kept trying to ask for him, and no one would comment. So I tried to get up and go find him.
Then someone was poking my neck with a needle, and I didn’t see him anywhere. I hate needles, so I tried to push them off me.
After that, I got him back. I tried to keep him by me. Often, I was too tired to talk, but I would try to look at him and talk with my eyes.
Please don’t leave yet.
Please stay with me.
Please forgive me.
There was this mask on my face—some reason. I remember he would get down by me when I was in bed. I would fall asleep with his hand rubbing my arm.
The whole time, I wanted him to hold me, but when I could think straight, I would realize that he couldn’t. He just sat by my bed, and when no one was around, he would lean in and kiss my hand and rub my hair.
Even though he thinks I’ve been with Megan. Even though I told him don’t come near me at the church.
“I hurt you. Always…have.” I want to say more about that—how I didn’t mean to, was just too focused on me—but I’m so tired. Everything now…making me tired. I drag my eyelids open. Take a deep breath. “I didn’t mean to,” I manage. “But I did.”
His hand rubs my shoulder. He runs his palm up my neck and holds my head. I lean against him.
“I’m…weak.”
“You were really sick, Sky.”
Tears swell in my eyes. My heart is racing. “I don’t want to…be finished.”
I shut my eyes. Everything is spinning.
“I wasn’t kissing her.” I remember what else he’s mad about. “When I was gone. To Ottawa—”
His arms encircle me. I lay against him. “Hey, McD…let’s get out. Then we’ll talk. I want to get you back in bed.”
Putting me off? Even my own thoughts are just a whisper in my head now.
Vance helps me walk into the bedroom. My legs are so shaky, I can’t get up on the bed. I think I might be sick. I sink down into the chair. He kneels in front of me. I lean down, resting my cheek on his head.
“Did you really see the video?” His voice is quiet. “You’re full-on outed.”
I nod. “I know.”
“You got outed because I wasn’t careful enough at the ER. See what I’m saying, Luke? It was my fault.”
My eyelids are heavy. I can’t help a yawn as darkness starts to bleed in from the corner of my vision. “Tired. Don’t care.”
“How can you not care?”
I take air in through my mouth and try to focus. “After Ottawa…I…wanted…to come out. Didn’t call.” I get two breaths, and when I speak again, I use a whisper so it won’t take so much breathing. “Was thinking. Of you.”
Satisfied I made the point I’ve waited weeks to make, I let sleep take me.* * *I wake up against him. It feels so good, I don’t want to open my eyes. So it’s annoying that the sunlight is in my face.
“Hey, L.” It’s V’s voice, so I crack open my eyes. He’s lying on his side, propped up on his elbow over me. We’re…on the floor?
There’s so many blankets, I can’t tell. I look around, and yeah. We are on the floor. “What happened?”
He shakes his head. “Couldn’t get you up there on the bed. You passed out in a chair, so I just stretched out on the floor beside you. Lots of blankets.”
I look at his face—like really look. He’s got a short beard. He looks tired. “You didn’t leave,” I whisper. Every time I went to sleep lately, that was my fear.
“You wanting me to?”
I shake my head.
“You want me here? You want to be out, and seeing me?”
I swallow. My eyes feel too hot. “Yeah.”
“You know what that would be like?”
I give a hoarse laugh. “It’s you who doesn’t.” I close my eyes, wondering now if this is too much to expect from him. I look up at him. “It would be a lot. Maybe too much for you.”
“Why too much?”
I can’t read his face, and I’m still a little hazy, but I do my best to give a honest answer. “Strangers. On the street. In restaurants. It was hard before. Now some of them won’t like us. Before…you were out and peaceful.” I swallow. Blow my breath out. “I would take that from you. When you’re with me…we would both be public.”
