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Now, if I can only figure out where the hell I fit into the equation.
Eight
Z
Dinner with Lilly and Chance is both sweet and chaotic. She is making some sort of oven-fried chicken that Chance must be familiar with because he pulls over a stool and she lets him “help.” Which seems to be more like code for “make a mess.” But Lilly takes it in stride.
“Do you work out in California?” I ask.
She glances at me over her shoulder. “A couple days a week. I work from home the rest of the time.”
I nod at Chance and she interprets the “Who the fuck watches my kid?” question correctly.
“There’s a really good preschool he goes to the mornings I work.” Her defensive tone and posture are pointless. I’m glad he’s got a routine or schedule or whatever. I just want him to be doing it in New York.
Fuck, I haven’t even thought about what the fuck I’m gonna do if she’s going back to Cali. I sure as shit am not uprooting my life to move out there. Except when I look at Chance, I start thinking of the two Lost Kings MC charters we have on the West Coast. One is in fucking shambles right now, according to what I heard at our last national meeting. But fuck, maybe I can help clean it up.
Then I’m pissed again because why the fuck should I be considering moving?
“Shoot.” Lilly wipes her hands on a towel and opens one of the cabinets. “I don’t have any of his stuff here,” she mutters.
She takes down plates and glasses and rinses everything off.
“I can do that,” I offer.
“Thanks.”
“You really did just get back?”
“Yes.” She bites her lip. “I know you don’t believe me, but I was going to call you as soon as we were settled.”
I flip off the water and set the plates down. God, she’s so fucking close, I can smell the faintest hint of vanilla from her skin. Same damn lotion, or perfume, or whatever I remember. Makes me want to lick her, which just pisses me off. “Yeah, and what exactly were you planning to tell me?”
She shakes her head, her hair falling around her cheeks. “I’m not sure.”
“Well, I’m glad I didn’t have to wait around until you figured it out.”
Something about my low, angry tone pulls Chance’s face into a scowl and I feel like an utter shithead. He stomps over and presses his little hands against my leg in an attempt to push me away from Lilly.
He blinks up at her. “Mommy?”
She forces a big smile for him. “Mommy’s fine. Z and I are just good friends who haven’t seen each other in a while.”
Chance scowls up at me again, not seeming to buy her explanation. Not a surprise since she seems on the verge of tears.
I give him what I hope is a reassuring smile and hold up my hands. “I’m real happy to see your mom again, little guy.”
My words seem to convince him because he stops frowning at me. Hard not to be convincing when the words are unfortunately the truth.
I’ve missed the hell out of Lilly, and I am happy to see her. Even if I do want to strangle her.
How the hell is this ever going to work?
“Cookies!” Chance announces as soon as we finish dinner.
“After we clear the table.”
He pouts but trots behind her, carrying a plastic cup in each hand. A few seconds later, he races out of the kitchen and tosses an animal cracker at me.
“Thanks, buddy.” I glance at the tiny lion in my fingers. “That supposed to be enough for me? I’m ten times your size.”
He hands over one more cookie.
Lilly walks out of the kitchen, setting a glass of milk and a small bowl of more animal crackers in front of me.
“We were planning on movie night.” She gestures toward the living room, almost as if she’s apologizing.
I get it. She has a weird notion about me. That I need the loud, constant entertainment of whatever she thinks club life consists of. What she would’ve known if she’d bother to stick around is that it got old a long fucking time ago. Over the last couple of years, I’ve watched four of my brothers settle down with good women. It’s made them happier. That’s what I wanted. With Lilly.
So, movie night with the two of them sounds pretty damn good to me.
Of course, the reality is that it’s awkward as fuck.
For me and Lilly anyway. Chance seems fine.
I wait for Lilly to sit on the couch and then drop down closer to her than I probably should.
Chance wriggles in between us, casting a suspicious look at me.
“You want your blankie?” Lilly asks.
“Yes!” He shoots off the couch and races down the hall, returning a few minutes later with a raggedy blue blanket. Still giving me the side-eye, he curls up against Lilly’s side and pops his thumb in his mouth.
“No, no,” Lilly corrects, gently taking his hand away. “I’m trying to break this,” she explains. “He’s down to only at night when he’s tired.”
“Not sleepy,” Chance says.
The corner of Lilly’s mouth curls up. “I know you’re not.”
When he looks away, she rolls her eyes and it makes me laugh.
I’m so wrapped up in the simplicity of hanging out with my kid and…Lilly, I can’t even remember what we watch. Chance is into it for a while, but then his eyelids start to droop and Lilly nudges him. “Let’s brush our teeth and get PJs on.”
Chance gives her a weak protest but lets her carry him into the bathroom. I want to follow, learn all his routines and stuff, but it feels…intrusive, which again pisses me off.
“Z?” Lilly says, poking her head around the corner a few minutes later. “Do you… ah, do you want to read him a story?” She almost seems afraid to ask. As if I’ll be insulted. Or hell, maybe she thinks I don’t know how to read.
Let’s face it, most of our prior relationship consisted of us getting together and fucking, not chatting about our hobbies.
It’s awkward as I lumber into his room. I feel like a giant circus bear being shoved into a tiny cage in the small bedroom. It’s furnished but barely. The bookshelves have a short stack of children’s books and a few toys, but not a lot else.
“Alex had to put the room together for me quickly when I told him I was coming home,” she explains.
“He’s never been here?”
“No.”
Something worse occurs to me. “Have your parents even met him?”
“Uh, not exactly.”
Well, at least I wasn’t the only one shut out. Fucking weird, though. I thought she was tight with her family.
“Alex?”
She looks away. “He was with me when Chance was born.”
Fury burns right through me. Don’t give a fuck that it’s her brother. It should’ve been me.
“It should’ve been me with you,” I growl.
Her bottom lip quivers and her eyes widen. She shakes her head lightly. “Please.”
She’s asking for mercy. But not for herself.
“Mommy?” Chance asks, peering up at us.
Again, I fucking scared him. I gotta get this shit under control.
“Pick a book?” I ask, trying to chase the cranky asshole out of my voice.
He holds up one about airplanes and I take it, flipping through the first few pages. “I’m pretty sure Alexa has this too.” I laugh.
Lilly raises an eyebrow.
“Please, there’s been baby sh-stuff from one end of the clubhouse to the other since Heidi brought her home from the hospital.”
She helps Chance into bed, and he watches me as I search for some place to sit. Finally, I give up and just sit on the floor next to the bed. A few minutes later, Lilly joins me.
I barely get a few pages read to him before he conks out. I watch him for a few seconds before setting the book on his nightstand and leaning over to kiss his forehead. “We’ll finish it tomorrow, buddy.”
Lilly has tears glittering in her eyes and quickl
y looks away when I stand. I hold out my hands to her and help her off the floor.
Lilly
The enormity of the mistake I’ve made pummels me every second I’m with Z.
“Thank you,” I whisper as he pulls me up off the floor. “He might get up in a little while for a glass of water.”
Z keeps his dark blue eyes pinned to my face. “I’ll be here.”
“Okay.” I can’t stand the intensity rolling off him, so I lean over and click the light off. On my way out, I flip on a night light and leave the door open a crack.
Z’s so close, I can feel the heat pouring off his body. My heart picks up. I don’t know if I have the strength to argue with him tonight. At the bathroom, I stop and he’s following so close he crashes into me.
“Shit, Lilly.” He grabs my shoulders to steady me. “I’m sorry.”
His touch jolts me for a number of reasons. “Can I pee in private or are you planning to follow me into the bathroom?”
He hooks his fingers into the pockets of his jeans and smirks. “Only if you’re going to jump out the window and disappear on me.”
I guess I had that coming. I roll my eyes and shove past him, closing the door in his face.
Think. I need a few seconds without him in my space. I splash water over my wrists and face. Spend some time brushing my hair and pulling it into a ponytail before leaving the bathroom.
