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Oh. Her voice drifted off, as he continued to regard her steadily. Oh.
She knew Brendan and Marguerite had known one another as children, but she didnt know any further details than that. Whatever it was, that history had been strong enough that hed been the one who walked her down the aisle to Tyler. This moment didnt shed any further light on that; if anything, it made it more confusing. But one thing was fairly clear. Marguerite didnt invite you only because youre an old family friend, did she? Like when you invite your relative to go to a party with you because hes in town, but you really dont Chloe. His hands closed over hers. Will you come to the carnival?
Does that have a double meaning? A significance Im missing? Suddenly she was feeling more uncertain again, because she sensed a lot of things shifting in the air around them.
He shook his head. I would never try to trick you. Youd be coming as Marguerites guest, not mine. I justId like the chance to see you there, be with you when its appropriate. A s a guest you can do, or not do, whatever you wish.
Chloe considered that, looked at their linked hands. I was dying to go, she confessed with a small smile. Definitely not as a participant. I dont think Im that bravebut something safe, like waitstaff or a potted plant. Ive never been to anything like that, and it was all I could do not to ask M a million questions.
Well, now youll get to see it firsthand. Since its for the whole weekend, Marguerite said you could stay in one of her guestrooms.
Oh? Will you be staying in a guestroom? She dared an impish look at him, and was gratified that it felt genuine to her, no shadows chasing the feeling. My guestroom?
If you want me in your bed, you only have to tell me so, but Brendan blew out a breath, squeezed her hands. Chloe, Im going to say this straight out, okay? Im a sexual submissive. Ill be there in that capacity. Do you understand what that means?
She stared at him several moments. Im not sure. Though her mind was going a hundred miles a minute, revisiting those websites in her mind, the hints of things. No, she didnt really understand, couldnt reconcile those graphic images with the man in front of her, the one whod taken such gentle command of their lovemaking when she was too frightened to hold the reins. But I guess youre trying to say Ill understand better if I go this weekend. Thats really why you want me there, isnt it? You asked Marguerite to invite me. Because its easier to show than explain, right?
Marguerite is glad to have you there. But yeah, something like that. His jaw had tightened, though, as if he knew all the conflicting thoughts tumbling through her mind.
This is a big enough part of you that you feel like I need to know it now, before we even have our first official date with dinner, flowers, et cetera, she co
ntinued slowly. Thats why you acted so weird this morning, wasnt it?
He looked surprised that shed drawn the right conclusion, but inclined his head.
Do you put all your potential dates through this?
When he flinched, she blanched. Brendan, no. Oh God, I didnt mean it that way.
No, no apologies. His poignant smile melted her insides, though the shadows in his eyes still made her wish she hadnt said it. I dont date, Chloe. Not in the traditional sense. A ll my more recent, committed relationships, and there arent many, have grown out of who I meet at my preferred club. The Zone, same as the one that Marguerite and Tyler attend. Youre the first Ive ever reached out to like this, and I know its too soon. This doesnt obligate you to anything. Honestly. He closed his hand on the Jeep window frame. Its the reason Im asking, really. I want you to know before you get too deep in, so you can decide how you want me. Im a good friend, he added. I can be. Ill be anything you need me to be, Chloe.
She considered that, then looked full in his face, her own thoughts pushed aside as what wasnt said penetrated, disturbed her. But what about you, Brendan? What do you want for yourself?
You come first. He shook his head, lifting her hand to his mouth, but she drew it away, giving him a sharper look.
What do you want?
That demand seemed to shock him, like a curious moment of déj? vu, but when he locked with her gaze, the singular intensity pulled at her and unsettled her at once. I want you to come to the carnival.
Squaring his shoulders, he added, Id like you to see this side of me, Chloe, but Im also kind of afraid. A fraid youll be repulsed, or worse, that youll put some polite smile on and say, thats nice, and Ill never hear from you again. But I guess thats a risk I have to take. A fter all, you cant very well prove youre falling in love with someone if you dont offer up your whole self to them, right?
She stared at him, and it was his turn to look startled with his own words. Im sorry, that was entirely unfair. Im not saying that to make you feel Stop, she said softly. He stilled as she stood. Gazing up into his face, she reached up to touch his hair, fluttering across his brow. When he lifted his hand, she shook her head. Pleasedont touch me right now.
His hand dropped, and he swallowed. She caught the essence of something, a glimmer of understanding, intertwining with her own confused reaction to the moment. Brendan, I wish I didnt know how damn honest you are. Then I could pretend that you said that because youre afraid I wont hang out with you anymore, ride the amusement park ride until its done. But I know you are that honest. Just as I know, crazy as it sounds, that I want to hear those words, even if they make me a lot more afraid than they would have before you asked me to the carnival.
A t his puzzled look, she bit her lip. Im scared Ill react exactly as you said. Find out more and realize I cant accept a vital part of who you are.
That Ill paste on a forced smile, because I wont want to hurt you, while my heart will be breaking because I really wanted to give us a go. Ive dated a lot, had a lot of fun, even had my heart broken once or twice, but in hindsight, they were markers in life, you know? Those things you expect to experience, to learn about who you are and what you want. This is more, whats between us, and that means its going to hurt a lot more if that happens.
He nodded, a quick jerk. I know. Im sorry, Chloe. If you dont want to go, though, you dont have to. You dont have to be in that part of my life to have me in yours. I promise.
Of course I do, silly man. Her knuckles stroked down his sculpted jaw, her thumb passing over his lips. The quivering restraint in them, his desire to tease her flesh, made her tremble as well. So I guess Ill be packing up some clothes in a few days and going to Marguerites for the weekend.
She was glad to see a wary pleasure enter his gaze, though a regret as well. Then I have to leave you here, he said. One of Marguerites conditions for you attending is that I cant see you until this weekend. She thought it best if you had some time to think about it, be sure. She said if you were worried about staying at your place in the interim, you could stay here, in her upstairs bedroom, or at their Tampa house.
Chloe wondered what all had been in that conversation, because she saw some tension remained in his shoulders. It suggested all the things this meant, things she knew she didnt truly understand. It brought some of her own worries to the surface. Brendan, you said Id really be Ms guest, not yours. A nd that youll be there aswhat you said. For some reason, it felt odd to say it, though she could tell her inability to do so closed him off a little to her. Not in an obvious way, for he still stood near her, head attentively cocked, but something shut within him so she wouldnt have to look in there, be forced to walk into that room, as hed said.
If she did that often enough, shed have to be the one to turn the latch, open the room again. No matter what her own conceptions were of what hed just called himself, she realized there were more layers and complexity to it than the stereotypes or websites could address. Strangely, that reassured her. It meant that there were no hard definitions. Like love.
