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Youve nothing to be sorry about. Rather than making her face him, he put his chin on top of her head, folded his arms around her so she could hook her hands on his forearm, hold on as he swayed them back and forth, giving her a rhythm that helped calm her. Chloe, other than last night, you havent talked to anyone about all of this, have you? The things youre carrying around inside you, about Marguerites father, and what happened to you when you were nine? He kept his voice soft, so it didnt make the anxiety in her chest worse, though it didnt abate. Have you cried about it, really let it out?
She tightened her chin, shook her head. I thought You know, when it first happened, I thought I was all right. Getting better, at least physically, gave my mind something to do. Then afterward, when the nightmares started happening, I was so determined to do and be the way I was. But with every month my body got better, the nightmares were growing in my mind, taking away who I was, a piece at a time.
He murmured something incoherent, but he stroked her forearm. You remember that first night, when I told you that you didnt have to handle this alone? Chloe, why are you trying so hard to do it that way?
Shed let her head sink down on her chest, her arms folded against her under his grasp. Most of the time she didnt even realize shed taken what shed dubbed the dead bird pose until after it happened. Shed first noticed it as the way she woke from her nightmares, defending herself unconsciously. Recognizing it now brought forth that familiar desolation. Because I feel like its my fault, she whispered.
What?
Okay, she was wrong. This was the most forceful shed ever seen him. He turned her in his arms, lifted her chin to make her look at his enraged and amazed features. It just widened the crack inside her further. I know, dont say it. Its a stupid cliché, feeling that way. This isnt supposed to be me. I can control it, take care of it. Im not a dirty whore, or slut, something not worth living. So disgusting, no one would want me. I have light inside me, and that light will drive out the shadows. Her fists clenched against his chest. Only its not, and the dark is winning, which must mean its right
That did it. Her chest was tearing open again, so that she had to bend over it fully, hold herself as he followed her down to a hunched crouch on the floor, sheltering her.
Thats what he said to you, isnt it?
When he was chasing me in the woods, and he couldnt find me, that was what he was saying. A nd then Marguerites dad, he said things like it too. Brendan, I know I shouldntthey were horrible, terrible messed-up people, but they want me to be messed up too. How can I know theyre wrong, and yet they still have this power over me?
Sitting down cross-legged on the floor, he pulled her into that comfortable triangle formed by his lap. His hand burrowed under hers, her heart beating rapidly beneath his palm. He massaged, small circles, his other arm doing that rocking thing again. She had a fleeting thought that he would be the best father ever. If he had a girl baby, shed be a daddys girl all the way.
Its all right. Im here. Youre not any of those things.
I k
now. I know. Im supposed to know it, right? So why does it feel like a lie? Why is it, when these things happen, that the first thing you feel is so alone? Like evil just closes around you, so nothing feels connected to you?
A t her lowest moments, shed decided that was what hell was, total loneliness. She had to stop thinking about this. She knew better. She was going to lose it entirely in a moment, and Brendan would have to call for strait jackets and restraints. Come to think of it, he probably had some upstairs.
Hey, shh He kept up that rubbing as she hiccupped and strangled her way through the minor panic attack, murmuring to her until she could take shallow breaths. Easy, baby. A re you listening to me?
When she nodded, he slid his fingers up her sternum to tease her cheek, bring her gaze to his worried face. You know how, when kids are little, and an adult does something wrong to them, the adult will say, this will be our secret, dont tell anyone?
She nodded. Her eyes closed because it was easier, but she held on to his voice.
Its no different when youre an adult. When someone hurts you, its like they put those same kinds of shadows in your head. Those shadows tell you that youre all alone, that theres no one who can help, that you shouldnt burden anyone. He kept touching her face, but she still couldnt look at him. It was okay, though, because he also kept talking. Chloe, the world is full of people who milk every little setback, become emotional hypochondriacs. Youre not that kind of person. From that one night at the wedding I could tell youve made so many people happy. Youve been so generous with your love. You cant see how much we want to help you, but I think thats because youve let those bastards close your eyes, make you believe for some idiotic reason that you dont deserve it.
He went from quiet and soothing to righteous fury, and every word cut through that chitinous layer, finding his way to her beneath, so when he feathered her lashes with a thumb, coaxing her eyes open, she couldnt look away from his fierce regard. Where the hell is that coming from? Think about it. Why dont you deserve it? What one fucking thing did you do to deserve being attacked when you were a child, and then as an adult?
I She didnt know, damn it, but that was how she felt. I dont know. But whyif I didnt deserve it, why did it happen? Why? Her voice came out a shrill, thin cry. Pain for her wounded his expression, made her crumble further, but he gave her an answer, in a low, determined voice that cut through every fear, told her she wasnt alone, that he wouldnt let her be alone, no matter how much those demons tried to make her feel that way.
Nothing, Chloe. Not a damn thing. Well, I take it back. You did do something. A t her look of surprise, he nodded. Evil wants us to skulk in the shadows, be afraid of everything, of being happy and loving. So yeah, maybe your love of life and beauty attracted it. But you said to hell with it anywayas a freaking childand lived your life according to what you knew was right and true to your soul. A s a result, when evil came for Natalie, you stepped into the line of fire and fought it. You didnt run. You fought as hard as you could, and because he was able to take some of his venom out on you, it took him that much longer to reach the eruption point with Natalie, giving Marguerite more time to get to them.
You make me sound brave and amazing, and Im not.
You are, he said, and his expression told her hed brook no argument. You are brave, amazing, beautiful. If you were a muse, youd be Joy. Pure joy. They didnt take that from you, Chloe. Ive seen a hundred glimpses of it in the past couple days, and it shone like the stars the night of Marguerites wedding. There was so much happiness in the air that night, evil didnt even have a chance of breathing there.
A s she dropped her head to his chest again, hiccupping over another tiny sob, he let out a breath, went back to the soothing murmur. You let your physical injuries be treated, and gave them time to heal. Now its time to do the same for your mind and heart. Marguerites close friend Komal was a counselor for abused children for years. I bet Marguerite would be more than happy to arrange a few sessions for you. Doesnt that sound like a good idea?
She managed a sniffle, a dubious lift of her shoulder. A fter a pause, he caressed the curls gathered around her face. Okay, think about it some. I wont hassle you about it further. For now. If you say it.
W-what? She sniffled ungracefully again, resenting the few tears that had squeezed out. Reaching up to the table, he found a napkin holder and brought a napkin back to her nose, massaging it to take the moisture away. It reminded her of Tyler with his handkerchief, as well as his words.
There are many things that men dont do any more that they should. Particularly for women.
Tell me what you did to deserve this, other than being insanely brave.
I cant. It was just a word. She should be able to say it, even if she didnt feel it, just to fib her way past his demand, but that wall of darkness rose, like a dark sea, threatening to engulf her. I cant. A nd that, more than anything else, told her he was right. She needed help. She knew she wasnt alone, yet her mind refused to let her believe anything else, as if her rational-irrational selves stood on either side of that wall, and her irrational self was the one holding her heart and soul hostage.
Tell me, Chloe. He shifted her in one flexible movement, those lean swimmer muscles stretching her out on the linoleum beneath him, warm from the morning sun. Sunlight filled her eyes so her sense of him came through touch as he slid the T-shirt up her abdomen. The tips of his fingers brushed the lower curve of her breasts. But they were not his goal. When he leaned down and pressed his closed mouth directly against her clit, no teasing or warning, her breath shuddered out of her aching chest. Oh.
