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It was the first time Theo had been in a good enough light that I could see some of the features. By his face, I could tell he was older than Silas. Lanky, with his dark hair messy around his face, he wore pajama bottoms and a blue T-shirt that could have been Silas’s since it was so big.
A smell caught my attention. There was a st
rong odor of cigarette smoke where I was standing. I looked down, spotting the end of a burning cigarette butt on the ground.
Then I noticed Theo had a cigarette in his mouth, smoking it as he walked.
I was going to lose him. I couldn’t wait for Silas. I hurried down the steps, trying to move quietly so I wouldn’t spook Theo. We didn’t have to confront him, but it would be helpful if we could watch where he went. One way or another, we needed to know the truth.
I followed, nearly hopping as I walked across the very cold ground. I didn’t have a jacket, either. But if I lost sight of Theo, I worried we’d never find him. Silas shouldn’t have gone for his keys, because Theo was crossing over yards and weaving around things, and it would have been impossible to follow him in a car anyway.
He walked under a lamp post. I couldn’t take my eyes off of Theo. I thought at first that it was because I didn’t know him that well yet, but it was the way he looked as he scanned the area. He wasn’t angry; it was something else.
Almost a void. There was nothing there. The expression on his face was completely empty.
He turned again and kept walking. Now I wasn’t so sure he saw me, but maybe he had heard me. His pace quickened, and he slipped through an open spot in a fence into a parking lot.
I had to remember he wasn’t dangerous. He didn’t mean to do what he did, but he needed help. He was clearly torn up.
Footsteps followed behind me. I checked and it was Silas catching up. I just needed to keep going to make sure I didn’t lose Theo.
When I got to the spot in the fence, I ducked through. I caught Theo crossing the lot at the end and heading down the road. He seemed to have a direction to go in, not just out for a walk.
I was halfway through the parking lot when Silas caught up with me. He passed me my pair of shoes.
“You should go back,” he whispered low. “Wait for North. He’s on the way.”
“We should go together,” I said. I stuffed my feet into my shoes as we walked. “We shouldn’t separate.”
He grunted, biting his lip. “I want to tell you not to come with me.”
“Is he sick?” I asked. “Is that why you tell him to stay in the house all the time?”
“He’s more sick than you know,” he said. He sliced his hand through the air. “Don’t worry about it.”
We didn’t speak at all as we followed Theo. It was dark, and following him was hard enough. Luckily, he walked loudly and the night was quiet. He headed down streets, occasionally cutting through a yard.
Silas and I kept as far back as we could, not wanting to be too obvious. It was difficult when he took a straight shot down a road.
Theo walked quickly, and didn’t turn around. He knew where he was going and mostly walked with his head down and didn’t stop.
Eventually, we came to a church. This one didn’t appear to be run down at first. It still had lights on the outside.
I tugged on Silas’s arm. “We should stop him,” I said.
Silas shook his head and then pointed to the parking lot, at a distant corner under some trees. “I want you to stay right here with me. We’re just going to watch.”
“Watch?” I asked. I looked back at Theo, who was standing by a window of the church. He peeked inside, and then lifted the window, crawling inside. “We should stop him before he gets into trouble.”
“He’s already in trouble, Sang,” Silas said. “We need to let him do this, and let this be the end of it.”
My heart froze. “We can’t.”
"Give up, Sang. We can't save him."
I stared at Silas for so long, that the darkness around him started to blur and mix in until it was just his face. His jaw was set. His eyes were on the window that Theo had disappeared through. His shoulders rolled forward. He was making fists. He was angry.
Instead of being angry, I was disappointed. He hadn’t set a fire yet, but it wasn’t like Theo had snuck into a church to pray. Maybe it had been him all along. A part of me really hoped that wasn’t true.
“Can we really not help him?” I asked quietly. “Or is it because you don't want to because he killed your mother?"
Silas turned his head and focused on me. His eyes blazed. “Who told you about that?”
I didn’t want to say, and it didn’t matter right now. “Don’t let him,” I begged. “Please.”
“He’s already done it, Sang,” he said, a little louder and I worried Theo would hear us. “He fucked up. All he had to do was stay at home if he didn’t want to get help. He couldn’t even do that.”
“But something’s wrong with him,” I said. “And he was alone. There has to be something that doesn’t allow him to mess up the rest of his life because he’s depressed and feeling isolated.”
Silas rubbed his face with his palm. “We can call the police. They’ll pick him up after he lights the fire. They’ll probably kick him back to Greece.”
“What about you?” I asked. “What about Charlie?”
Silas stepped forward, his hands wide. His big brown eyes were zeroed in on me. “What am I supposed to do? Keep him here another day? Call him insane and have him locked up?” He growled, low and guttural, and then a moment later, dropped to his knees, his hands covering his face. “I can’t protect him anymore, Sang. I shouldn’t have let him...”
It was a moment that lasted a lifetime. I’d never seen strong, steady, always-there-for-you Silas so torn about helping anyone else.
Maybe this is what North really meant. I needed to be near Silas, because when it came to moments like this, someone needed to remind him that there was another family who cared about him, and we worked together to make sure everything was okay.
Like when I was tied up in the shower, and he busted in to save me.
Like all the other times he ever helped me: with homework, with giving me a hug when I needed it, when I didn’t know how to kiss, and he showed me.
Silas was torn because helping his brother now meant possibly endangering his family, because Theo would still be around when he could be dangerous. He was torn because of loyalty to his mother, and his dad who still needed him. Theo could go to jail. Silas and Charlie might be deported.
“Silas,” I said quietly. “Please.”
He didn’t move. He continued to push his palms into his face.
I moved forward slowly. “Silas?”
“I can’t...”
I dropped down, wrapping arms around his neck.
I kissed his forehead. When he didn’t move, I did it again. I needed to bring him back. I embraced what felt like an eleven year old Silas who had just learned his mother had died, his brother the culprit. Here we were, years later, and Silas was reliving the nightmare over and over. Maybe the burning churches had affected him more than even he realized, digging up those memories.
So I did what the others had taught me to do when someone needed to know they belonged here with us.
”I need you, Silas,” I said, trying to be strong, even though my voice squeaked. “Please. Come back to me. I need you.”
His hands moved away from his face and he pulled me into his arms. He held me tight, burying his face into my neck.
“Let’s get Theo,” I said. “He’s been alone and dealing with guilt, too, but no one talks to him. He stays in his room all day. I know it’s hard, but if you want to help people, you have to let them know you care. When I was feeling alone when my parents were still around, I would have given anything to have someone like you watching out for me.”
“He doesn’t want help, Sang,” he said, his voice low. “We’ve tried.”
“Did you?” I asked. “Like when he was in the hallway and we avoided him? We didn’t say hello. We didn’t ask if he wanted food.”
Silas grunted.
“Maybe it is hard,” I said. “When my... when my step mother tied me up...”
His arms tightened around me so much, that air was pushed out of my lungs. “Don’t...”
“After you guys
got me out,” I said, having to take in short breaths to talk. “I had to stay in the house. I had to try. I tried to bring her food. I tried to be nice to her. I thought if I just showed her that someone cared, she’d be okay. I never got the chance.”
His hold was firm for a moment, and then softened until he was simply pressing me against him. He lifted his head. “When is it enough?” he asked. “We’re told to let go of the ones that don’t want help. How long do we try before we step back and let them do what they want? Before it’s hurting everyone else around you to keep that person around?” He looked up and in that moment, he met my eyes, he was Silas again: every bit of him strength and loyalty and a desire to do the right thing. “I’ve chosen,” he said. His hands smoothed over my back, holding me as he started to stand, pulling me up with him. “Your mother had to be put away to protect you, because she was destroying you, and taking everyone else down with her. Theo’s now doing the same. And maybe I could have done better, but keeping him here with us is destroying our family. I won’t let it happen.”
“What should we do?” I asked.
“We wait for North,” he said.
The Darkest Secrets Always Find The Light
It didn’t take long for North to arrive. I was worried Theo would start his fire and run off before we got a chance, but I remembered the cops had said the fuel was slow-burning, and Theo, when he did leave before, was gone for several hours. He must have lingered at every location for a while, either hanging out or setting up what he wanted to do.
The black Jeep rolled in and before it got close to the church’s parking lot, North shut off the lights. He parked just outside the lot along the street, and then jumped out and came running up.
“Where is he?” His voice was low, but carried.
“He snuck in the window,” Silas said.
“Go sit in the Jeep, Sang,” North said.
“I should help.”
He fixed his intense gaze on me. “You need to get out of the cold, and out of the way.”
“I should follow,” I said, determined. I needed to make sure Silas remained strong, and I was scared leaving him would allow him to return to self-doubt. “I should follow and if something happens, I can call...”
