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“Can I ask you something?” Mr. Blackbourne’s voice was as soft as I’d ever heard it. But even as soft as it was, it was powerful, drawing me up from the well of despair I’d sunk into.
I summoned some courage to look up. I caught his steel eyes, softened into something more silver. His face was calm, yet otherwise hard to read.
I placed my hands in my lap, clutching them together for some control. “Yes,” I said.
“Did she ever mention how difficult it was for her to get to where she is today?”
“Of course,” I said. “She said the Academy was against it.”
“I mean about how the boys reacted,” he said. “They weren’t all happy with it in the beginning.”
I tried to recall what Lily had said. “She wanted me to stay in contact, to perhaps help avoid making some of the mistakes she’d made.”
“That’s kind of her to offer,” he said. He sat up more, touching the knot of his maroon tie briefly. “Miss Sorenson, relationships are never perfect. A boy and a girl who fall in love face insurmountable odds at times. We all had parents who, I presume at one time, were in love enough to get married.”
That was true, although it was hard to picture my stepmother ever having loved anything, or my father loving her enough to marry her. They were so angry with each other now, that it was hard to think they hadn’t always been that way.
“If a normal relationship is hard work,” he said quietly, “would you expect any other relationship to be different? Friendships need work. Sibling relationships need work.”
My head inclined, agreeing with his point. It made sense.
“If all we’re ever going to be are friends,” he said, “then even at that point, we’d have to work to remain that way. It’s give and take on every side. It’s honesty and trust.” He leaned in a little, until his head was level with mine, his gaze steady, keeping my eyes fixed on his. “When you visited this team and saw what they had together, did it draw you in? Did you want something like that?”
I nodded quickly. I did. “At the time...” I said.
He held up a quick finger, silencing my thoughts. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, to want something, even if it’s out of reach or impossible. It may not happen exactly how you pictured, but we can’t control outside events and how others feel. That doesn’t mean we give up just because it might be difficult.”
“Gabriel is angry, though,” I said. “And I don’t know how the others would feel.”
“I understand your response,” he said. His steel sharpened. “From what I’m hearing, though, your concern is more how they feel.”
I nodded.
“What I’m trying to understand is, if everyone else agreed to such an arrangement, would you consider it? Would you try it out?”
Slowly, I nodded. “If it doesn’t...”
He sliced his hand through the air. The power behind his voice cutting off my words. “I want to know what you want, Miss Sorenson.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I want to believe it. When Lily talked about it, I liked the idea.”
“Do you still like it?” he asked.
I nodded quietly.
“We don’t have time to dwell on what if,” he said. “There’s how you feel and how the others feel. When I first heard of Lily and her team, I was curious. I didn’t think ahead as to how they managed it, and I’ll admit, the answer surprised me. I assumed...I assumed something else. Mr. Anderson said other teams had approached him about doing something similar, and those teams never succeeded. Their solution isn’t for everyone, and I agree.”
My heart twisted sharply, and I leaned forward, my mouth falling open. Other teams? We weren’t the only ones? It hadn’t occurred to me that others might have tried.
They knew, and they tried.
He held up his hand again, stopping me this time before I could respond. “We, however, are different. And you have to remember, a team did succeed. Theirs. Ours might.”
I stared at him, wanting to make the connection. Yes, they had done it. They seemed together, happy. I recalled how one of them entered the room and was being protective of her. It was how I felt the others were around me. Their reactions to her weren’t very surprising to me, perhaps because I’d experienced the same from my own team.
He spoke again, interrupting my thoughts. “Her team managed. There are other families out there that do the same thing.”
“Out where?” I asked.
“Relationships aren’t always one plus one equals two,” he said. “I’ve been studying the psychology and read some case studies. A mother loves all her children, plus her husband, plus her extended family. Love isn’t a limited supply. You also can’t control how others feel. A woman may love a man who doesn’t love her. How he feels doesn’t change how she feels. It just is.”
“They have five in their group together,” I said. I wanted to understand what he was saying. It felt different.
“There are other families,” he said. “Some with two men and one woman. Some with three women together. In other countries, in other cultures, it’s considered common to have multiple husbands or wives.”
Was that true? I didn’t doubt his comments, but it was difficult to picture.
“My point is,” he said, “you can only control how you feel, what you want, and express it. The others will do the same, either now or in the future.” He put his hand to his chest, pointing at his own heart. “I believe, somewhere along the road, we’ll figure it out. One way or another. It may not end up like Lily’s group. It may be completely different. But if we stick by each other, if we build this family together, if you help me, we can be happy. It’ll be better if we’re together, than apart.”
My heart lifted. He believed we’d be happier staying together. I wished the others could hear him. No matter what, no matter the obstacles, happiness was the goal. “I want them to be happy.”
“You are part of the equation, too,” he said. “If you wish to stay with us, and we desire to stay with you, it’s our choice together.” He leaned in more, his voice quieting. “This mean we don’t stop at every road block we face. As I said, relationships take effort. We simply work at it. You don’t have to do it alone, though.”
I nodded, hopeful. “I don’t know what to do sometimes.”
“I think...” he said and then stopped. His head shook slowly. “No, I was going to offer for you to talk to me about it tonight, perhaps talk throughout the week in the evenings. I want you to.”
My eyebrows scrunched. He wants to but he doesn’t? “I’d like to talk more with you,” I said. “Maybe outside of school?” I wanted to read his case studies, and understand this from the angle he did. Maybe it would do some good to see other families and situations similar to this outside the Academy. Maybe it wasn’t as uncommon as I thought.
He pressed his lips together. He sighed and then spoke again. “Miss Sorenson, we have a lot of work ahead of us, and many years, hopefully, to do it in. You can always come to me when you need to. Right now, it sounds like Mr. Coleman needs you more.”
Confusion settled in. “I should talk to him?”
“You should confide in him. You started this journey together yesterday.”
“And Luke,” I said.
He nodded. “He’s already on your side, even if he’s unsure, he’s not aloof. He’s willing to talk about it. It’s Mr. Coleman who seems to be your priority right now.”
“What do I do?”
“In the Academy, we try to not keep secrets from each other,” he said. “However, in this case, we want to move slowly. Kota and the others might not be ready. Gabriel, like you, was taken by surprise by the information. You should tell him what you want. You should also tell him how you feel about him. I believe you’ll discover he needs you as much as you need him right now.”
It was hard to think of Gabriel needing me. He was strong, confident. He always seemed so sure of everything, how people dressed, should do their hair, how to h
andle things. “I have to focus on him.”
“Start with him,” he said. “You can talk to who you want, but I’d suggest you tell Gabriel everything, from our conversation here, to your thoughts on the other team. Tell him what you want. I believe, once he hears it from you, he’ll move from his doubts and will become one of your strongest advocates.”
“He was jealous of Victor,” I said. “He was envious of his money, I think. But then he was saying he thought the others were stronger, smarter. He doesn’t believe I could care about him.”
Mr. Blackbourne leaned forward enough this time that his elbows rested on his knees as he looked at me. Seeing him so close made him appear younger, the nineteen year old behind the formal clothes and mature attitude. “All emotions have an opposite. Anger and sadness are two of the same. When someone is angry, when they calm down, you may discover they’re actually sad about some part in their life. Do you know what the other side of envy is?”
