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When I was finished, I flushed and walked out of the stall. The sinks were flowing at full speed across the room but Silas wasn’t there.
I tiptoed out, suddenly fearful the ax murderer got him instead. “Silas?” I called. He wouldn’t have left me alone: he’d promised.
Silas appeared at the far end of the room, at the shadowed area in the back. “Yeah?”
“What’s back there?” I asked.
“Showers,” he said and disappeared behind the wall again. “I was checking for spiders back there, too, just in case you wanted to take a shower tonight.”
I turned from him, washing my hands, but mostly to hide my panic. I smothered a shiver. Worse than a shower was a creepy shower with rusted pipes and spiders. It made for a ready excuse to do hobo baths all week.
At least the girls had separate showers, so it wouldn’t be a problem to do hobo baths out of the sink all week. I wouldn’t get super clean that way, but I’d have to do my best. It was camping, right? I’d have to deal with being a little dirty.
Silas returned from his shower expedition. He rubbed his face. “This place isn’t that bad,” he said.
I looked at the rust on the sink. “Really?”
“Last place we were at, the showers were outside.”
I spoke through gritted teeth. “You’re kidding.”
“Bare ass to the world. The Academy girls had to take showers on the far end of the camp. Not that we’d bug them, but just because it was exposed and we weren’t sure if there weren’t other people around. First day, they rigged a setup to hang a shower curtain.”
I smiled. “And you guys didn’t?”
He shrugged. “Barely took a shower that week, from what I remember. Too cold. I think we just dealt with being dirty.”
So that’s normal, I thought, relieved. I reached for his hand. “Come on,” I said. “Let’s go camp.”
On the way back, I told Silas about the plan for getting Kota on the same page.
He was quiet and before we got back, I stopped in the road, looking up at him. “Do you not think it’s a good idea?”
“I don’t know what to think,” he said. “When you’re around, I’m fine. When you’re not here, I’m...I don’t know. I second-guess things.”
I smiled, squeezing his fingers. “I do the same thing.”
He lifted his head, a thick eyebrow going up on his olive skin. “Really?”
“I worry,” I said. “I don’t want to make anyone mad or jealous.”
His thick lips pursed. He released my hand then put his hands on my shoulders before he bent and gently kissed my lips once. “I feel guilty for asking you to stay with me if you’re interested in someone else. It’s stressing you out.”
My lips parted and I stared at his dark eyes, at his dark hair dancing in the breeze. “I’m more worried about you.”
He nodded once and reached for my hand, holding it firmly between his palms. “Sang, you’ve got a lot to think about besides us and this plan.”
“Kota was worried about that,” I said, suddenly not wanting to talk about it now, worried it would stress him out more. “Mr. Blackbourne has a plan. He’s sure it’ll work.”
“I’ve never seen Mr. Blackbourne fail,” he said. “But there’s always the possibility it won’t work out the way he thinks it will.”
I breathed in deeply and then put a hand on top of his still holding my other one. “I’m staying,” I said, trying to look him steadily in the eyes steady, faking some confidence. “Silas, I’m staying with you and the others. Right now, I need to convince Kota, but this is what I want. I may need your help, though.”
He pressed his lips together, swallowing. “You know I’d do anything for you, Aggele.”
I nodded, sensing there was more to what he needed to say.
He looked toward the woods. “I’ll do anything for you...as long as it doesn’t hurt you. If in the end, we’re hurting you more by keeping you with us, then I have to...” He turned his head away, his dark eyes storming.
His words were familiar. “You were talking to Kota,” I said. “That sounds like what he’s been saying.”
“He’s not wrong,” he said. “You wouldn’t want any of us to suffer just by staying together if it was the wrong thing?”
I gritted my teeth and loosened my hand from his. Hurting them was the one thing I truly feared. “Would...am I making you suffer?”
He lifted his head quickly, eyebrows up. “I just meant...I was giving you an example.”
“I don’t want you to suffer at all,” I said. I pointed to my chest. “And I know I make things more complicated just by being around. You all have to work harder because of me. And you all wouldn’t have to even consider this...plan if I wasn’t here. It makes everything more difficult.”
Silas reached for me and then dropped his shoulders. “I said the wrong thing. I’m not suffering.”
I closed my lips, trying to swallow back my emotions. I breathed as steadily as I could. It was everything that haunted me at night, fueled my nightmares. The last thing I wanted was for them to be hurt.
Silas stood by as all this went through my head, staring at his feet.
I looked at him, at his tall, broad figure. I remembered the day I first met him. He’d been so scary at first, and yet just a couple hours after that, I’d been in trouble, and he’d come to my defense, protecting me. From that moment, I’d yearned to be his friend. Later, when he’d saved me from my stepmother by pulling me out of the shower, he was there for me. He was always there for me.
Here he was, unhappy, but willing to give everything up if it meant protecting me again. Could I be selfish and ask to stay?
I shivered and swallowed back a wave of tears. “Silas?” I said, my voice quivering.
He reached for me again. “Don’t,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
I swallowed again, wanting to get the words out without crying. “If it’s the right thing to do, why does it feel wrong?”
He rested his hands on my arms, but stood still, looking at me. “What do you mean?”
I bowed my head, unable to look at him. “I’ve been trying to consider how it would work with you. But I was ignoring that maybe you all would have it so much harder. But...when I think of leaving, everything hurts.”
He rubbed my arms, warming them with his big palms. “If it hurts,” he said softly, “then that is the wrong answer.”
I breathed in slowly, tilting my head to meet his gaze.
His eyes glistened but held mine steadily. “Mr. Blackbourne is right.”
“What do you mean?”
“He told me once that if it hurts really bad, it was the wrong decision to make, and your body knows it.” He circled me with his arms, slowly picking me up off the ground.
I let him pick me up and buried my face into his shoulder, letting his body warm me as I breathed in his ocean scent. It felt good, comfortable. “I like this,” I said.
“I do, too.” His deep voice rumbled through to my bones. “Kota’s wrong. You shouldn’t have to leave if you want to stay. Not as long as everyone wants you with us, there’s no reason for you to go.”
“What about all the trouble if I stay?”
“We’ve already faced death and hell, Aggele.” He squeezed me tighter. “That might never change for us. Do we face it separated and miserable? Or together and stronger?”
I sniffed, keeping my cheek against his shoulder. “Silas...”
“It hurts too much to even think about letting you go off alone or with another team. Before, I thought perhaps I was being selfish, but how can it be wrong if you really want to be here, too? It’s not just you who needs us. We need you here.”
Did they? I sighed.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Don’t give up. Work with Kota. Bring him back to believing it will work with you here.” He slowly put me back down on my feet and looked at my face. “Don’t hurt.”
I pushed a breath out through my lips slowly, tryin
g to steady my feelings. “I’ll try.”
Silas nodded grimly. He traced a couple of his big fingers across my cheek. “Let’s have fun. Do you want me to catch a spider and show it to Gabriel?”
I smiled but shook my head.
He put his hands on his hips. “What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?”
I cringed. “What?”
“Great big holes all over Australia.”
The answer was so surprising that I snorted before I could laugh.
He smiled again and reached for my hand. “You were right; we’ll think of something. You’ll convince Kota. You just watch. If Kota can be on the same team as Mr. Blackbourne, we’ll all be fine.”
I hoped so. “Where is Mr. Blackbourne?”
“He’ll be here tomorrow morning. He was finishing up some things. The rest of the Academy wouldn’t be here until tomorrow. We’re early.”
I breathed out slowly. I’d been trying to ignore the thought of other people being around the camp site. Academy people.
I nodded and followed him on the path back to camp. I wished Mr. Blackbourne were here now. It would make it much easier just to get confirmation about what I should do. I could really use some confidence.
Could I call him? I pulled out my phone while we were walking back. No signal. Maybe I could try to get a message to him later somehow. Even a text message from him might be enough.
Maybe I didn’t have to convince Kota tonight. I just had to get him to open up a little to believing.
