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Kota led me to the tables and sat on top of one, his feet on the seat. I climbed up beside him, scanning the area, noticing the ashes inside the fire pit, and the black trash bag that fluttered a little in the breeze.
For the first time all day, I let out a long breath. I was finally alone...with Kota, but away from all the new people.
I absently combed my fingers through a loose lock of hair, suddenly nervous. I’d wanted to talk to him all day, and I had so much to tell him, yet nothing wanted to come across my lips. My brain was tired. My body was a little sore.
I leaned into him, at first without thinking, and then pressed my cheek to his shoulder. “We leave tomorrow, right?”
He chuckled, put an arm around me and held tight, dipping his head to kiss the top of my forehead. “Do you not like camping?”
“It’s fun,” I said. “But...I don’t like...I feel...” I struggled to explain. “I felt like I was sort of on stage all day today.”
“You’re in front of new people who are looking to you for help,” Kota said. “I was wondering if this job was right for you. I’m glad you’re helping out, but I know you’re shy and how hard it is. From what I’ve heard, you seemed to do an amazing job, though.”
I smoothed my cheek against his shoulder. “I hate to admit it, but I’m with Lake; I wish Carla hadn’t insisted we have to stay in the girl tent.”
“Might be better in the end,” he said. “Give it a try.” He kissed my forehead again and then shifted to rest his cheek against the top of my head. “You’ll be able to say you gave it a royal effort. And who knows... maybe...”
“I’m not switching teams,” I said. “I don’t want to.”
“It wouldn’t have to be for forever,” he said.
“Today felt like forever,” I said. “It’s not even over yet.”
He pulled back to look down at me and I sat up a little. He kept his hand on my back, smoothing over my spine. “Was it really that bad?”
How could I tell him? They weren’t bad, but they weren’t for me. It was more than just missing the boys. Throughout the day, I had grown more uncomfortable being around the girls who seemed to be looking up to me. While I was sorry to disappoint them, I was also terrified of them. The hug that was supposed to be normal, had made me panic. Even thinking of being in the bathroom around them was making my insides tremble.
Lake had been the exception and the only explanation I really had was that she was really a boy. Why did that make a difference? Kota watching me wash up hadn’t bugged me at all nor had being in there with Lake. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Weren’t girls supposed to be more comfortable with girls?
Kota massaged my spine but remained quiet as I shifted through my thoughts. His lips dipped slightly into a frown. “Sweetheart, if we need to take you back...I mean I can go if you...”
“No,” I said, sucking in a breath. I shook my head. I was going back home with them no matter what. That was what mattered. “It’s nothing,” I said. “It’s a few days. I just wish I could spend more time with you all—with the guys. I know some of you are teaching classes and I’m helping out so we’re busy. I guess I thought I’d see more of you.”
“You’ll see us more this week,” he said. “Things start to relax after the first couple of days when new groups learn the ropes more and start to check out other teams. A few more days and we’ll be packing up before you know it.”
“I’ll live,” I said. “Been through worse.” The words slipped out, and it wasn’t until I’d said it out loud that I realized how terribly dark the joke was. I sensed how I was complaining about things and really shouldn’t be. I should be grateful to be there at all.
His free hand reached around, touching my cheek, drawing me in. He hugged me, kissed my brow and held tight. “Try to have some fun,” he said.
I held onto him. “I will.”
He started to let me go, but when I still clung to him, he chuckled and wrapped his arms tighter around me. “I missed you, too.”
I had missed him. I missed all the guys. Now that I was here, I didn’t want to go back to camp, because it meant I’d have to let them go.
I tucked my head down against his shoulder. “Sorry,” I said.
“Don’t be,” he said softly. He slid his hand up my back to hold the back of my head.
“I’ve been trying to go over what to say,” I said. “When I’m asked what group I want to join. I want to make sure I say it right, politely.”
“I wish I could tell you.”
I backed up this time, realizing now that I did need to talk to him about the plan. If I said I wanted to be on their team, they had to be behind me, and it was only right if he knew the truth. “Kota, I want to stay with the team,” I said, trying to sound confident. “All of us together.”
He smiled weakly. “I thought that was the goal, but I know it’s tough.”
“I saw another team today,” I said, “this morning at the interviews. A girl with four or five guys. She insisted right away that she wanted to stay with her team from the start. They let her.”
His eyes went wide. “Is she a member?”
I paused and then slowly shook my head. “I don’t...she was with the new people on the stage.”
He frowned slightly. “Oh,” he said, shoulders slumping. “Then they just brought her in.”
“No,” I said. “I don’t...I think they are like us.”
“That doesn’t mean she’ll stay with that team,” he said. “It’s kind of normal for new people to want to stay with the team that brought them in, even if it’s not for the best.”
“Is that like us?” I asked in a quieter voice.
He sighed, looking away from me and toward the fire pit. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. This feels different.”
“They seemed different,” I said. “Maybe they’ve got a strategy. Maybe we should compare notes.” I wondered if they might have talked to Lily and Liam. They had told us that they got approached sometimes with a girl wanting to join a guy team.
I suddenly wondered where they were. It was the first day of camp so I could have missed them, but I hadn’t seen any of them. Were they not at camp this week? Maybe they were busy.
“Maybe,” he said, still staring at the fire pit. “I was kind of thinking...”
I pressed my lips together, waiting for him to finish. I was waiting to tell him about Lily, and to see what he’d say to learn about them.
“I don’t know,” he said, breaking his stare and looking at me. “I’m torn on the idea. Never mind.”
“What?” I asked.
He shrugged. “If they give us a hard time, I was thinking about...about the couple teams...”
I stared at him, waiting for him to continue. “A...couple?”
“You and me,” he said. “If we had to. If you...wanted...”
I was warmed by his train of thought—that he’d even consider it—but at the same time, fear crept in. “But the others...the guys...”
“I don’t think it would change us at all,” he said. “I could still work with them. They’d still be around.” He sighed. “Only I still haven’t graduated and you’re just starting, which would mean we’d need a manager.” He paused. “They told you about managers, right?”
I nodded. “Couldn’t Mr. Blackbourne do it?”
“No,” he said. “They pick someone for you. We might not even get Dr. Roberts, who was Mr. Blackbourne’s and Dr. Green’s manager. The only reason our team doesn’t have one is because they’ve already graduated and are guiding the rest of us. It wouldn’t be too terrible to have a manager, I guess, but you never know who you get. I don’t know...maybe I’m so used to Mr. Blackbourne that I’m biased...”
“I’m biased, too,” I said. “And I don’t want you to have to give up your team...our team.” The secret plan we had was on the tip of my tongue. “Kota, we can’t give up. We...”
“Yeah,” he said with a smile. “I was just thinking...last
resort...”
If they insisted for whatever reason that I needed to try out other teams, Kota was willing to give up his team for me.
My throat got tight as I thought about it. Deep down, I knew I could never make that decision. I couldn’t pick him over the others, draw him away from his team. Could I ever be the reason they split apart? Would doing so cause some jealous war? I thought of North, who had told me he’d take me away somewhere if any of them tried to run off with me. The faces of the others swam in my brain. They struggled with the idea, but in the end, they wanted to try to carry out the plan, because they cared about each other like they cared about me.
