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“I’ve never known you to give up.”
I wanted to answer him. I didn’t have one to give. Instead, I let out all the tears I’d held back in the tent.
That’s when I sensed his hands, hovering over my shoulders. I felt the warmth radiating from his palms. He rarely touched me, and now he was willing, but he was like Kota and the others who needed to be shown he could.
In the darkness, my hands found the material of his windbreaker jacket. I buried my face into his chest, gripping the material. The feel of his body, just being against him, had me crying all over again. I felt so stupid.
His hands lowered to my shoulders then. His thumbs smoothed over my collarbones. When my crying didn’t ease, his palms ran down the outsides of my arms.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. He knew this was more than just being homesick or being overtired from all the hard work. This was more than being singled out to join a group I was unfamiliar with. This was something much worse. But I was sobbing too hard to answer. “Miss Sorenson,” he said, his voice commanding, impossible to ignore.
“I can’t... I can’t stand it when they touch me,” I said, knowing I wasn’t making sense, but my voice cracked and my muddled brain couldn’t think of a better explanation.
“Who touched you?” the power in his voice grew stronger and his fingers clenched on my upper arms.
“The girls hug,” I said. “They hold hands. They grab my arm. They group hug and they hug me. I know it’s normal. I know I should be able...” Another sob broke through, but I took a deep breath and swallowed, wanting him to understand this part. “I’m trying. I thought I could...”
“What are you saying? They’re touching you inappropriately?”
“No,” I said quickly. I lifted my head, wiping away my tears but no matter how many times I swiped at my face, they still fell. “I just can’t do it. I don’t know why, but I panic every time. It’s so bad I want to pull away, even though I know I shouldn’t.”
His comforting hands on my arms disappeared instantly. “You mean anyone who touches you?”
“No,” I said, and my hands sought out his jacket again, gathering the material into my fingers, silently telling him he wasn’t who I was talking about.
My head dipped again into his chest, holding him close. I didn’t want him to go anywhere else. I couldn’t stop it from flowing out of my lips. “Not you. Not the guys. I want you to touch me. I always want it. Hugs. Kisses. Anything. It makes me happy. But with the girls... any girl, I think...”
“Any girl? Even Miss Newman?”
“Who?”
“Karen. Your friend at school. You didn’t know her last name?”
“No. I talk to her in gym class. Sometimes I see her at lunch but she never touches me.” I sighed. “I’m sorry. I wanted to try. I thought I could get used to it. I thought just for the week... If I have to join a girl group...” My voice cracked again and the sobbing took over.
I wanted to tell him more, about the shower, about how I felt about the guys and him. I wanted to confess everything, but my exhausted and wrung out body shook uncontrollably and my words were murmurs against his coat.
His hands found me again, and this time, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I felt a cheek press to the top of my head. “Miss Sorenson,” he said, in a voice immensely softer than I’d ever heard from him before. “Are you telling me you’re afraid of girls? What happens when one of them tries to touch you?”
The shock of him hugging me overwhelmed my senses. I froze, even as I welcomed his embrace. Afraid he’d pull back, I kept still, pressing lightly back. I wasn’t sure how to respond, but I somehow I found the words.
“I worry they’ll hurt me. That they’ll touch me like Jade did. I know they won’t. I know...but I can’t help it. It’s every time they get close. I don’t want to offend them and tell them. I don’t want to...” I broke off because my thoughts went into twenty different directions at once.
Mr. Blackbourne’s arms around me tightened. “So if they wanted to put you into another girl group...”
“The girls I’m with are nice and they’re trying so hard, which just makes me feel worse. But I don’t think I could be in a girl group.”
Mr. Blackbourne’s breathing was suddenly the only thing I could hear through my sobs and the blood rushing through my ears. The warmth of his jacket and body against my nearly frozen one had me seeking out his warmth, his arms around me. In the dark, I knew it was Mr. Blackbourne but it was still easy to forget it was him, too.
Just as I began to still against him, Mr. Blackbourne released me, to my utter disappointment. He quickly captured one of my hands, tugging. “Hurry,” he said.
I followed close behind him, too distraught to question where we were going. He was going to let me go home. Maybe he’d drive me there himself. My life within the Academy was over.
It took me until we were at the door of a building before I realized we were at the cabins. My hand squeezed his, wanting to hold on to him. What was he doing?
Mr. Blackbourne twisted the handle, shoving the door open. He tugged me inside, but let go of my hand quickly, instead placing his palm on the small of my back.
The lighting was dim and close to the ground. When my eyes adjusted, I realized there were electric lights made to look like old oil lamps, placed strategically around the cabin to act like nightlights. There were eight sets of bunk beds inside against the outside walls, making it one long hallway with empty space in the middle.
There was a mix of older men and women inside, and they all sat up watching us.
Suddenly, everyone began moving at once: some got out of bed, others reached for robes and then joined them, approaching me.
If I could have melted through the floor, I would have. I stood with blurry eyes, embarrassed and I simply put all my faith in Mr. Blackbourne, that he knew what he was doing.
“What’s wrong?” a man asked. “Is she hurt?”
“Ask her,” Mr. Blackbourne said. His hand at the base of my back nudged me forward. “I found her sobbing alone in the woods.” He said nothing more, seeming to expect me to explain.
I glanced back at him, questioning why he was making me do this. He nudged me again, this time, warmly, standing beside me and holding a palm to my lower back. “Trust me,” he whispered in the softest tone I’d ever heard from him. “This is the last time you’ll ever have to say it again, I promise. Tell them everything you told me.”
I stiffened and found myself looking at the older women and men in the group, at the faces that were hard to recognize in the dark and with the tears still blurring my vision. My eyes lowered until I was looking at their feet, finding the floor easier to address than anyone else.
And I told them everything.
I was numb all over, simply repeating everything I’d told Mr. Blackbourne out in the woods. What did it matter now? I was a mess. He was having me tell them so he had a reason to take me home. I didn’t care anymore. I was humiliated.
When I choked out the last of what I could explain, I began sobbing again, hiding my face once more in my palms.
Moments later, when I had quieted to hiccups and stuttering breathing, I felt hands on mine. At first, I thought it was Mr. Blackbourne, but a moment later, I smelled flowers, too heady to be him. I looked up quickly, and without thought, I jerked myself away from the touch.
It was Mrs. Rose. She had begun to lean in for a hug but when I pulled back, she kept her arms down. Her eyes glistened and her face was full of empathy.
“I’m sorry,” I said. She was the last person I wanted to offe
nd. “I...”
She waved her hand in the air, cutting off my answer. She turned halfway away from me toward the group, using sign language to address everyone. Her hands were fast, but I made it out. “How could we have missed this?”
This was it. They now knew for sure I wasn’t Academy material. My heart sank into my stomach.
“We know now,” a familiar, very gentle male voice said. I turned, spotting Dr. Roberts wearing pajama pants and a dark blue robe. He held a tight, smile, sharing sympathetic looks with me. He spoke softly. “The question is, what do we do about it?”
“I don’t know if now is a good time to make any decision,” someone else said.
“I agree,” someone else replied. “It’s late. Please don’t worry now. She can stay wherever she wants. If she needs to go, let her.”
Mrs. Rose waved her hand at me and began to sign, “You’re stronger than that. Please stay and talk to us tomorrow after some sleep. We can help. Remember what I told you?”
A warm hand found my arm, and I looked up to see Mr. Blackbourne give me a nod. The others continued to stand in the half-circle. I felt like I was being dismissed so the jury could make a decision.
I let Mr. Blackbourne guide me back to the cabin entrance. We left, closing the door behind us.
“They’re going to kick me out,” I whispered as Mr. Blackbourne led the way through the dark. “I’m sorry... With all the effort you...”
“You’re not being thrown out,” he said. His hand squeezed mine, drawing me down the path. “They’re not that cruel. However, they will be considering this carefully.” He paused. “You were very brave back there. I’m sorry for doing so right then, but they needed to see it for themselves, to hear it from you. I hope you understand.”
He was probably right. Would I have so willingly told them so much if I’d slept? Or would I have hidden my feelings more? I needed to trust the Academy. “Thank you,” I said. “But now what do I do?”
