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There was a soft scratch of wood against wood, and then the door opened from the attic. Gabriel peered out. He mouthed at me, “Fuck us.”
I agreed with the sentiment.
The vacuum covered our noises, and I spent a good deal of time getting every corner, and sucking up cobwebs from behind the bookshelf and from the vent. I caught sight of the camera, peered at it. It was tiny.
Someone was watching from it, I was sure. I waved shortly with a couple of fingers at whoever it was.
Gabriel kept the attic door open and quietly went about unpacking my bags. The space was narrow, and the slant of the roof made it so you had to crouch to walk anywhere inside, and it was easier just to crawl. He shoved the small wardrobe around until the right side was up against the wall next to the door, and the wardrobe blocked the view of deeper inside the attic.
Doing this made it so that I’d have to crawl around to get further inside, but it would give him and anyone else a head start into the very back if the door was suddenly opened. Behind the wardrobe and against the rest of the wall, he set up the cot. The foot of it faced the alcove on the far side. He placed a sleeping bag on the cot and then plucked through lots of clothes, rearranging them to place into the wardrobe.
I vacuumed slowly so it could mask what he was doing, although it blocked me from being able to hear what was going on in the house downstairs.
I did the corners first and then the rest of the room. For the sake of it, I took a sock and wiped away dust from the window and around books on the bookshelf. I even pulled out the rest of the clothes from the closet. I didn’t wear them, but I’d make space available for Jimmy.
When things seemed tidy, Gabriel had most of my clothing sorted away in the wardrobe. He had the light working, too, along with the battery-operated heater. “We’re going to need more batteries,” he said. “And we should get them ourselves, so they don’t think this is going to be a waste of their money.”
“Are you sure it’s safe for us to set this up so you all can come in?” I asked. “I mean with Carol and with Jimmy coming in here at any time, they’ll find you one day.”
Gabriel focused on the clothes he was rearranging in the wardrobe. He harrumphed. “You can’t stay here by yourself. She may not be like your stepmother, but this whole place is about to go down if she finds out about you. Too many odd variables to leave you alone here.”
I sighed. I couldn’t imagine what Carol would do about my father once she learned the truth. I made sure the door was securely closed and knelt by the duffle bag, finding a tablet that I thought was Kota’s, Nathan’s 3DS and some games I didn’t recognize. I held them up. “Did we mix things up?”
Gabriel looked over at what I was holding and raised an eyebrow. “Most of your real things aren’t even back from camp yet. All this is what was around Nathan’s or Kota’s place.”
“They want me to use their things?”
“We share, remember? If you want your other stuff, we can swap it out later.” He closed the wardrobe and grasped the handle, thinking. “Wait,” he said. “Maybe I should get them to bring a kit in here for us. And some bottled water.”
I collapsed onto the cot, sitting back against the wall. Energy was draining quickly from me. It was already a long day, and at some point I’d have to go to dinner. The desire to nap or simply zone out was very strong, but I strained to listen for Jimmy or Carol...or anyone. “Will we need to set up to stay for so long? Do we have a plan yet?”
Gabriel sat back on his heels, staring at me for the longest moment.
Suddenly he dropped everything and crawled toward me. He nudged my knee, motioning for me lay down on the cot.
I relaxed on my side and he joined me on his side, facing me, his arm folded to prop up his head. “I don’t know yet,” he said quietly. “I don’t know about a plan. I wish I did.”
“I’m trying to think of one.”
“We all are.”
My emotions were all over the place. I wanted to be strong, but it was fading fast and I was ready to just walk out the door.
I wanted to beg him to take me out of here.
But I didn’t. I sucked in my emotions and buried them. If I pouted, or I complained too much, it would probably mean I would get out of here. Gabriel and the others wouldn’t let me stay if I really asked them.
I didn’t yet know the cost of asking such a thing. We didn’t have all the information, and everything was too volatile. My mind was too clouded to think.
I wasn’t wholeheartedly thinking of the current situation.
My mind couldn’t stop running over everything I’d overheard not a couple hours ago.
The boys had been fighting over me.
And now we were fighting together to get me out, but what strain would it put on them at this moment, when they were already so very stressed out for other reasons?
Not So Hungry
I wanted to stay vigilant about where Jimmy and Carol were and what they were up to, but Gabriel pulled me into him, and his arm cushioned the pillow. I didn’t want to pull myself away, and being still allowed me to drift in and out of sleep. It revitalized my courage some, but did little to pacify the depth of sadness I was feeling over having returned.
When I couldn’t sleep anymore, I simply breathed him in. I traced my fingers over his chest a little, feeling his breath at my forehead.
His fingers found the small of my back, and he made small circles, and then hearts, and then circles again.
I stared unfocused at his chest. In the silence, I waited for disaster, or the buzz of a phone that would call him away.
He took the clip from my hair and set it aside. He gently combed my hair with his fingers and massaged my scalp.
It relaxed me. He pressed his scruffy cheek to my forehead and breathed slowly. The warmth of him made it so I didn’t need a blanket. He was enough.
I wanted to enjoy the quiet moments, yet my heart was wound as tight as the nervousness in my stomach. I couldn’t fully relax knowing the others were in turmoil. However, it wasn’t just the current situation with Carol, either.
Hours ago, Kota had discovered that the others all held romantic feelings for me. He’d learned about a plan the others had been trying to come to terms with.
If we were going to stay together, they wanted to be open with their feelings for me, and for me to be open with them.
It was an idea that defied what we’d all come to believe was normal. We weren’t even sure exactly how to do this, and what it might look like in the future.
He confessed he didn’t understand how it would work out, and it created so much uncertainty.
The others had talked about it being difficult, even North, who had previously been very insistent that it would work.
I flipped over on the cot, not finding a spot that was truly comfortable. It wasn’t the cot. It wasn’t Gabriel. I just couldn’t stop hearing the doubt from everyone else echoing inside me.
Here I was again, in trouble, an impossible problem before us. I would always be a problem to them. They were the only people in my life
who I felt cared for me, and I was risking their futures, their own safety, to help me. On top of it, having a relationship together wasn’t something any of us had planned, but it felt like I was asking a lot of guys who were already risking so much for me.
When I flopped over again, Gabriel tucked me into him and kissed my forehead. “You okay?”
I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk about it yet. I didn’t want to when I was already overwhelmed and stressed.
I honestly didn’t want to end up crying again after such a long day. Mostly I needed sleep. Hard sleep. I needed to stop thinking long enough to get my emotions under control and to think rationally.
I buried my head into his chest instead of answering him. He hugged me close, and I stopped trying to think on it for now.
Gabriel eventually pulled away. I sensed him moving around and I opened my eyes just enough to watch what he was doing.
He lit a small camping lamp but masked it a bit so it wouldn’t shine directly on my face. He put away the rest of the items in the bags: books, a laptop, a notebook and pens. He remade my book bag with textbooks so it was ready for school.
The laptop he hid underneath the beanbag chair. It seemed a dangerous spot to put it. It’d get crushed if anyone sat in the bean bag. I wondered why someone would include it, but it might be for keeping an eye on all the cameras in the house.
When everything was put away, he played on Nathan’s 3DS. I was comfortable zoning out on my back on the cot, watching him or staring at the ceiling.
Eventually, I got up, sensing time had passed and that at some point I’d be called out, either for dinner or to check on my progress.
I put on a bra, tucking Victor’s phone into it.
Just when I’d finished, Jimmy thundered up the stairs again. Gabriel groaned, but moved quickly to hide behind the wall in the alcove.
“Sang,” Jimmy called from just behind the door. “You ready for dinner?”
Nerves sparked throughout my body. Was I ready for this?
