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“You’re kind of scary, you know.” Ezra watched me as he set down his crust and started on his second piece.
That was part of why I liked to joke around so much; it put people at ease. “You don’t ever have to be afraid of me.”
“Unless I don’t do what you say.”
I reached for one of his hands, holding it gently in mine. “I will never deliberately hurt you no matter what you do.” I meant that, but I knew I might hurt him without meaning to. I could hurt him by doing what was best for him, and I’d already put him in danger by letting him get involved in all this.
“Leo, can’t you… I mean…”
“What is it, sweetheart?”
“Don’t make me say it.”
Fuck, I knew what he wanted to say. I’d known when he’d almost said it before. He felt the same connection I had. If it scared me, no telling how it made him feel. He’d had a thing for me since we’d met. The more I’d gotten to know him, the more I wanted to respond to his attempts at flirting, but I’d kept my distance. I didn’t think I could do that anymore. I certainly couldn’t do it until Swain was dead. “I don’t know how much I can promise you.”
Ezra closed his eyes and nodded solemnly. “I wish I knew how to do casual hookups. You probably think I’m a freak.”
“No!” He jumped, and I realized the word had come out too harshly. “I think it would be great if more people were like you.”
“But Cathy said you—Oh shit. I wasn’t supposed to say that.”
I smiled. I could imagine some of the things Cathy had told him about me. “It’s fine. I’m a bit of a slut, and she knows it.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that. Actually, I envy you. It’s not that I wanted to be a twenty-two-year-old virgin. It was just that I knew…”
“That you’d get your heart broken?”
“Yeah. It’s still worth it, though. With you. Don’t worry that I’ll have some kind of fit or breakdown or whatever, at least not in front of you. I’ll at least go back home and do that in the privacy of my own bedroom once you—”
“Ezra, can we just… um… see how things go.” I never stumbled over my words like this. I’d learned to consider everything I said and make my point succinctly, but Ezra had me all fucked up, off-balance, and unsure in a way I hadn’t been since I was a trainee. “I want to take this day by day, because when I say you’re mine, it’s not a game. I absolutely mean it.”
“But when this thing with Swain is over… When he’s… When you’ve taken care of everything, what’s going to happen then?”
“I don’t know.” I hated that I couldn’t promise him more, and yet deep inside I was sure I couldn’t let him go. I couldn’t stand the thought of Ezra being with somebody else, of another man fucking him, of him offering himself up in the same vulnerable, uninhibited way he’d given himself to me. Even worse was the thought of him learning to be jaded and cold like so many of the other men I’d fucked.
“I know I’m asking you to trust me with so much, and I know I’m wrong for you in so many ways—”
“You say that. Cathy says that, but you’re what I want. What I’ve always wanted.”
“I know you’ve been interested in me since we first met, but—”
“No, I mean that I’ve always wanted a big, dominant man who would protect me, hold me, and make me feel cherished.”
Ezra’s cheeks were bright pink as he spoke. He was so fucking sweet; the total opposite of the men I usually went for. Maybe he was exactly what I needed. Maybe—and I really hesitated to even think it—Giorgio and Niall had been right. I needed someone I could care for, and now that I’d found him, nothing could keep us apart.
“I will do all those things. I don’t want to trust your safety to anyone else. I want to keep you with me and protect you, but if you”—I almost couldn’t force the words past the lump in my throat—“if you would rather be sent to a safe house, then…”
“No, being with you is worth any risk involved. I want as much time with you as I can have.”
How could I even think about sending him away when he looked at me with such openness, letting me see the raw need in his eyes? I could protect him physically. I had no doubt of that, but how was I going to protect his heart or give him what he deserved. Could I truly cherish him as deeply as he deserved? Did I have that capacity after all I’d been through?
