Page 48 of Kiss Kiss Fang Fang


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I was waging a war inside myself. A thousand years couldn’t have prepared me for the temptation to do exactly that—to throw her on the bed, peel away her leggings, and bury my face between her legs before I plunged inside her. I wanted to see her face while I filled her with my seed. I wanted to feel her curl into me as she came for me, gasping and whispering about how she’d always be mine.

Selfishly, I wanted it all.

But I did the hardest thing I’d ever done and shook my head then, taking my hands away from her breasts and looking away. “I can’t, Cara. I would never forgive myself.”

“Lucian, please,” she said, cupping my face and trying to turn me to look at her. “Please. I want this.”

“You don’t know what you’re asking for. And I can’t give it.”

“Please,” she whispered.

With a growl of frustration, I flipped her over to her back, then plunged my hand down the front of her pants. I found her clit and started to circle it, locking my eyes on hers. “I won’t make you like me,” I whispered even as she squirmed, eyes clenching shut against the rush of pleasure.

“I won’t sacrifice you for my pleasure.”

She gasped, hand gripping my arm as it circled her more feverishly.

Because I love you, I thought. I love you, and that’s the only reason I’m strong enough to stop this from happening.

“Lucian,” she said, eyes seeking mine. “I—”

I put my mouth on hers, silencing her as I used my fingers to drive her to orgasm. She moaned into my mouth, hands desperately clutching at me, trying to pull me on top of her to give her what we both wanted.

But when she was through, I moved away from her and went back to my work, trying my best to ignore the long period where she watched me, her shirt still off. Finally, she put her shirt on and went to her bed.

I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t trust myself not to say something stupid. Something that would make this harder for both of us. I suspected the only thing stopping her from continuing to press me to continue was not knowing my feelings. If she knew how I really felt, she’d know it would’ve only taken one more nudge. One last ounce of pressure and I would’ve completely caved in.

But I thanked whatever deity allowed my miserable existence that she just went and put her head on the pillow, then rolled to the side so her back was facing me.

Good. Be mad at me, if that’s what it takes. Hate me, if that’s what you need.

Whatever is necessary to keep you from being dragged into my hell.

25

Cara

The first sign of the bond weakening was that I woke and didn’t see Lucian on his usual spot in the floor. I also didn’t feel a panic-inducing level of thudding in my chest at his absence.

I manufactured that sensation on my own, bond or no bond, and rushed out of bed. I tripped over some of his woodworking tools he’d left out from working in my room the other night and thudded down the stairs without an ounce of grace.

In the kitchen, I found Parker and Lucian at the kitchen table. Parker was explaining something about night terrors to Lucian, who was listening with a surprising amount of interest.

I had a few moments to look at him before he noticed me. Lucian had a way of looming in a space, like a dark, pale shadow. He looked supremely out of place no matter what context I saw him in, even among other vampires.

He was too impressive. Too beautifully different.

My thoughts went to last night and my stomach sank all over again. I’d laid everything out. I’d put my feelings in front of him and stripped away any sense of dignity. I told him exactly how I felt, and he’d pushed me away. The only thing keeping me from feeling completely crushed was knowing his motivations.

Lucian thought he was protecting me.

I’d seen enough to know that if he thought it was that dangerous for me to be involved with him, the threat was real. Except no matter how many times I tried to talk reason to myself, I still wanted to be with him. The bond weakening hadn’t so much as chipped away at my resolve, either. This wasn’t some vampire magic of his. It was just him.

“Oh,” Parker said, looking up at me and waving dorkily. He was wearing a faded blue hoodie that was too small. He had the hood up and was hunched over his laptop. Lucian was standing behind his chair, bending his straight back to look at whatever Parker was talking about. “I was just telling Lucian about the man with the hat.”

“The what?” I asked. I expected Lucian to give me a save me look, but he actually jumped in and explained for Parker.

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