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I’m trembling as I try to stay still. I nod.

“Say it.” He commands.

“No, I don’t like it. I fucking love it.” He moves his hand between my legs and pulls it away. The intensity of the carnal feelings flooding through me lessens, but they’re still there, loudly demanding the same thing as before. The only difference now? My rational half can drown them out if I want.

He wraps his other arm around me, crushing me against his chest, gripping my breasts and holding me tight while his dick is barely inside of me, pressing in all the right places, making me totally nuts. I begin to arch my back to feel him deeper.

“Don’t move,” he says, scolding me. “Feel everything. Let it flood you. There’s a damper on your sexuality. It’s like it’s muted or something. I’m guessing someone at some point told you something you wanted wasn’t sexy and it made you shy away from it. I want all of you here with me. If you want a freaky fuck, I want to give it to you. Tell me what you want Kerry.”

“I—” I’m trembling.

He’s right. Matt did that. Losing it with him wasn’t a thing. He wasn’t the kind of guy that liked to think of himself as an animal with carnal needs. That pressure is gone, but the threat of disappointment still lingers. I know what I want, but I’m afraid to tell him.

A question pops up and I blurt it out. “How come that happens? I mean, touching me like that. It made me feel everything.”

He breathes against my neck, his voice husky, “It’s your sexual center. Touching it like that makes you light up like a sexy Christmas tree and every desire you have is suddenly clear. It makes your mind take a back seat.”

“No one has ever touched me like that before.”

“I think it’s cheating, but you seem to be holding back. I won’t do it again. I just wanted you to recognize what you wanted. I’ll give it to you. Just say it, Kerry. Ask me for it.” His top arm slides up so that is across the lower part of my throat, tipping my neck back. “Do you like this? It’s a little too intense for some women.”

I don’t like him mentioning other women. I bristle. “It’s a little lax for me. I want more. I want it rougher and mindless.”

His lips are by my ear. He tightens his grip on my neck slightly, making my heart pound harder. “Tell me what’s off limits with you. I’ll give you everything you want, but I need to know if there’s something you don’t want to do.”

I turn my face to glance over my shoulder. I want to see his eyes. When his blue gaze locks with mine, I confess, “I want this. I like it intense. I like it when you touch me like that, and make me mindless. And to be clear, I’m okay with anything, anywhere. And I’d really like you to lose the condom.”

He’s perfectly still and for a second I think I’ve freaked him out. I keep thinking about how much better this will be without the sheath, and how much more we’ll feel without it. “You trust me that much?”

“I do.”

Nate pulls out of me, spins me around, so we’re face to face. “Kerry, are you sure? That makes things a lot more intimate.”

“I’ve already told you how I want to be taken and said things I’ll deny when I see you again. This never happened. I wasn’t here.” I splay my hands on his chest and look up into his eyes. “I want everything. I don’t want to wonder. I’m on the pill and have been for a while. I don’t have anything contagious or concerning—no STDs or weird infections. Do you?”

“No.” His gaze is brilliantly blue and wide, completely focused on me. His lips part slightly as he waits for my reply, perched like he’s incredibly excited or worried.

It’s funny how those two things can look the same at times. It’s the moment before you decide to literally jump off the cliff. It takes guts and a good amount of stupidity to actually consider doing it, but the amount of determination and courage needed to put said plan into action—to actually drag your feet toward the edge and hurl your body out into space—that’s something altogether different.

There’s a bit of doubt that continues to echo through my mind. It skittered in the day Matt dumped me and has been gnawing at me ever since. It’s like my mind is infested with doubt. All the what-ifs and failed attempts to become who I wanted to be won’t shut up. I thought I’d have the great love story. I found the boy when we were kids and we’d be together forever. Picket fences and 2.5 kids later, I’d be a schoolteacher and stay home during the summer to tend our little piece of the American dream.

But when Matt broke things off with me, that dream shattered. A wild weed grew up in the chasm he left in my heart, sinking its roots deep and making me pause, its bloom alluring and deadly. It taunts me with every impulse I’ve ever had and was too afraid to follow. It whispers of chances untaken and breathless encounters yet to be explored. It’s freeing and scary. It lifts me up and takes me high—so high I’m afraid the fall alone will kill me. I’m averse to taking risks and pushing the envelope, but that wild part of me—the part I didn’t know was there until recently—I’m having trouble tuning it out. The problem is daunting and I haven’t a clue as to how to fix it. H

ow am I supposed to silence a part of me that’s crying out for freedom? Because that’s what it sounds like—a shrill voice in the darkness refusing to shrivel up and die. Is that really who I am? Is that wildness me? How am I supposed to know?

The thoughts rush through my mind in a cascade, flowing so rapidly I can’t possibly set my finger on one thought. Instead they merge and rush through me, cold and pressing, pushing me forward and filling my body with a cool confidence that’s completely intoxicating. I’m power-drunk and I love it. At this moment, Nate is enthralled and I’m the woman who’s got him on a hook. He wants anything I offer, and isn’t holding anything back, so why should I?

I call it. Cautious Kerry is dead. This is the new me. I surveyed the cliff and stared into the sun. The blinding light beckons to me, calling me forward. The rush of lust and adrenaline mingle and my shoulders pull back as my chest curves out into a classic S-curve.

Posed naked in front of him, I say with a flirtatious smile on my lips, “I’m game for anything and everything. Ditching the condom is your call. Do your best. Leave me so breathless I forget my name.”

Nate suppresses a grin as he steps back and pulls off the condom.

CHAPTER 3

Sated, with a silly grin on my face, I lie in Nate’s bed for a while. We say nothing and I wonder if he regrets anything. I’m not asking because I sure as hell don’t, which surprises me. I did things with him that I’ve never done before, acts that will make my cheeks burn in the light of day. He had me so wildly turned on that I didn’t think at all. I was a basic version of myself—Kerry 1.0. Apparently, she doesn’t say much and fucks hard. She also likes orange juice in copious amounts. I’ve already had three glasses and decide to go finish off the carton.

When I swing my legs out of bed and my feet hit the floor, I would normally stop and pull on a shirt or something to cover up my nakedness. The curve of my stomach is too big and the padding on my hips shows how much I like milkshakes. I’m not Amazon Barbie, but I feel okay with myself at the moment, so I bypass the clothing and pad down the hallway nude. I feel Nate’s eyes on me appreciating the view as I head to the kitchen.

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